BREAKFAST
2 eggs scrambled in such a wee amount of butter that you could not even see it, but it kept the eggs from sticking to the pan
LUNCH
salad
5 ounce can of mushy tuna in oil
2 tablespoons vinaigrette
DINNER
slab of beefsteak
cherries
I might be getting accustomed to eating eggs. They did not go through me for 4 hours. All time best. I have to be able to eat them.
I found a can of some kind of tuna to put on my salad. It was actually yummy, and I wish that I had thought about using the oil from the can of tuna as the salad dressing. I am thinking that some black pepper would have been enough seasoning.
Shortly after eating lunch, breakfast made its exit.
After work I went to shop at one of the pricier markets. I was just too tired to wrangle food out of either of the discount markets. So, spent way too much money for a week's worth of food. Just a shame. I came home, cooked the meat and was too tired to cook any vegetables (like it would be so hard to pour a bag of frozen stuff into a pan with some water and let it boil, but it really was too much). I could have opened a bag of salad, but was too tired to do that either. So, cherries was my side dish. They are still beautiful and delicious and at $1.40 a pound, not to be resisted.
Work today was full of mystery. O.K., not mystery, but I get tired of saying that it was interesting. My first client is a very nice person, but is not the teeniest bit interested in doing any of the work, and comes in all scattered and I had to make ten...count 'em...10...phone calls to straighten out the mess. I have shared that since there is reporting of how successful and how much work is being done to work on skills, that the next time we have an appointment, I will not be doing the typing. I am going to sit there and advise and support. Hope there is another appointment.
A woman wandered into the library, having been at a vocational ministry that is at the church I attend. One of the librarians called me over and since the next appointment was forty minutes away, I invited her to work with me right away. Oh, she had stopped in because one of the other people at the ministry office told her about me.
We started working and she spent a lot of time weeping. No, I did not make her cry! What happens is that by the time a person finds there way to our library they are fairly discouraged, not only because of the stress of job searching and not having enough money and all that, but they have not often been treated respectfully by the agencies and centers that proceeded the library visit.
The next appointment did not show up, so we kept working and she left with complete documents, several copies and she will be returning to begin working independently at the job lab.
It was really nice.
After lunch, our business manager came to ask me for help finding resources for one of the library employees. The person in need of help is someone that has been seeking me out and visiting my bat cave to talk, and I have been worried about him for some time, as have other employees. I called my best therapy resource and arranged for him to receive free services, then let our director and the biz manager know what I had done. I have to say that seeing how everyone there comes together to help each other. They are what a good work place is supposed to be. No drama, no competition, just care and support of one another to do the work there.
And, even though I know that I am an outsider, volunteer and all, when they asked me for resources that they knew I could provide, well, I felt like part of the team. In more than five years, even though I have found my way and forged friendships and a good working relationship with the librarians, this feeling of belonging has never happened to me. I quite like it. Should it never happen again, that would be fine, well, not fine, but I have today to hold dear. I really do quite like it.
I see my internist tomorrow and will be having all kinds of expensive tests for which I do not have the money, but I have been putting this off for nearly a year and it has to be done. I seem to have a lot of has to be done stuff in my life lately.
On a lighter note, I received my bank statement yesterday, fetched it from the mail box this morning and looked at it during lunchtime. My rent check for July and August had not been cashed. I sent it to my landlord a month ago. Yes, I like paying my bills ahead as much as possible. I called her and asked if she received it and she told me that she had. I asked if she had processed it and she said that she had. I explained about the bank statement and she then said that I had not sent it, but I could hear her going through some papers. We talked about gardening and tomatoes and how everything seems to be too much work as we get older, and she found my check. It was still in the envelope, she opened it and said, "Well, there it is. July and August." She is so cute, and she found the unopened envelope of one of the other tenants.
So, my checkbook is balanced, I have just enough money to cover another six weeks of expenses and regular bills, have two made out to drop at the post office tomorrow and hope the grocery money holds out. I am going to stop lending money to people. It is that they ask to borrow, but it is not lending to me because it is my expectation that if you are in such financial distress that you need to borrow money from a friend that it is going to be impossible to repay. Borrowing fills a little hole that can never be properly filled and to pay the money back means that it simply re-creates that same hole. I think of lending as gifts. If I cannot afford to let it eventually be a gift situation, that means that I cannot give the money in the first place. If I consider it a gift on my part, then I never have to be concerned about being getting it back.
Icky doctor visit, laundry and a stop at the bank. Gosh, I have such a fascinating life.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Healthier eating - Day 9
As though I care any more what day it is.
I am hungry. I am not accustomed to eating meat and, you know, the whole process of shopping, deciding, hauling it home and eventually cooking it. Not working.
I took an overnight shift for another advocate, so no cooking yesterday, as I was therapizing, grouping and sleeping. The shift went well, I met the new women and accomplished so much. I missed having the house hopping, but all of that quiet was divine for catching up on everything. When we passed the shift baton this morning, I was asked to do a special in-house project and received a telephone call from one of the upper staff. She wants me to help coordinate an art show with pieces done by survivors of domestic abuse. This is not going to be easy.
The first reason is that this staff person wants to hold it in the evening at a bar/restaurant, which is really a bar with a couple of tables, although they do make good food, at least they did the one time I was there six years ago.
The problem is that many women are reluctant, if not downright afraid of being outdoors at night. The second issue is that most of them are either using alcohol and other drugs or are in recovery. They are all fragile, most particularly those who are trying so hard to stay clean and sober.
So, she is willing to forget about the bar, but still has the desire to hold it at night, at a gallery or some other venue, and she wants the work to be available for sale. I am not an expert in any of this, but I have juried and curated many exhibits and shows, and this needs to be decided right now, in order for there to be a decent turn-out of people who are willing to support the ideas and willing to spend money. She want the show/exhibit to be in October. Got to start now.
Another aspect that I do not want to handle over the telephone (we are texting...gosh, me sending texts, just like a big girl), is that there will be a significant number of women that I might be able to convince to participate, but, hell, we the survivors are vulnerable and that is going to keep many women away from the whole thing.
I mean, think of it. The shelter sponsors an art show. Women are convinced to make something and be willing to show it publicly, and then are expected to be there.
That is like exhibiting them for the curiosity and opinions of strangers.
I am thinking that it is a basically good idea, but that the women should not have to self-identify if they do not want to do so. The staff person has walked the border of exploitation for some of her other projects. Two that come to mind are bringing in a church group and making the women bake cookies with them. I might have been the only person who thought that might not work, as our women are finally in a safe place and some of them felt like they were being paraded just to make some church ladies feel like they are doing something wonderful.
The second one is that a local sports group held a fund-raiser-game for the shelter, then brought the money and some desserts to the shelter so that the women could cook a meal to thank them. That actually is a nice idea, but the staff person's menu ideas were expensive and she thought that the money and/or food was going to magically appear or something.
There are more, but those are the two most recent. Now, I do not want to be a debbie-downer or a crank or a killjoy or a bitch. Really. But, if you want to do something, perhaps, and this is just one of my insane and crazy-bitch ideas, but how about including the women in the shelter in brainstorming and planning what they would be comfortable doing?
No, I guess that is too radical. Also, way too much work, all that business of being sensitive to what our women are experiencing and what they just survived to be able to come to us.
I really do sound like a bitch. Totally. I mean, I have that art program that I run at that social service agency. I have all of the other stuff I do at the library and at the shelter for enrichment and I so really and truly support anything that helps not only our women and their children, but that brings some kind of money through the door. That money problem just nibbles and snaps at your heels; you never know when the next money-sucking thing is going to go wrong in that building. We have been reduced to rationing things like coffee and eggs for crying out loud.
I never complain about this stuff, but it drives me insane. So, I will do my best to find a gallery that will stay open late for one night. One turned me down this afternoon, and it was a good friend of mine. Sigh. I will find a gallery that will be willing to donate the time and expense of extra hours and maybe allowing the work to hang for a few weeks. Shit. I am going to be owing a whole bunch of people a whole bunch of favors.
What the heck did I eat today?
BREAKFAST
I think it was a big salad when I got home this morning. Or, maybe nothing or something else. I simply cannot remember
LUNCH
big salad
pickles
chunk of liver sausage
DINNER
celery
snack pack of chunky peanut butter
pickles
radishes
Not enough. You know, when I am going about having my day, it seems fine, but seeing it on the page here it looks crazy. I can fix this, or just start fibbing lying about eating more. I just want to be as clear in mind and intent and practice as I am about being committed to eating more cleanly, which mean a pretty much permanent farewell to breads, grain, beans and that stuff. Tons and tons of refined carbohydrates made up nearly my entire diet.
I would be so tempted to go back to eating that way, except that I am already feeling better. Aside from the fruit thing, my digestive system seems to be working better. I am less tired and sleepy and have not taken a nap this entire time
Today's saddest story is that I never got to cook the meats I bought on Saturday, because of that unusual schedule and all of the out-of-schedule sleeping I have been doing. I am heartbroken about having to toss that in the trash for pick up tomorrow morning. Plus, that stuff was supposed to create leftovers that I could take for lunch at work tomorrow. I have salad stuff. Maybe there is a can of tuna around.
I had to go look, and I do have a can to toss into the salad, plus a can of artichoke hearts in water, and I am eating a little pack of crunchy peanut butter with a spoon.
This will all work out. It is a new habit to develop, just like everything else. Oooooh, peanut butter via a spoon is gaggy. Ack...hack...hack...erp. Another habit to develop.
What an angsty day, including the fly that snuck into the house this morning. Although, I do have to say that it is nice, very nice, to have ordinary problems. Bitching over. And, out. Snore.
I am hungry. I am not accustomed to eating meat and, you know, the whole process of shopping, deciding, hauling it home and eventually cooking it. Not working.
I took an overnight shift for another advocate, so no cooking yesterday, as I was therapizing, grouping and sleeping. The shift went well, I met the new women and accomplished so much. I missed having the house hopping, but all of that quiet was divine for catching up on everything. When we passed the shift baton this morning, I was asked to do a special in-house project and received a telephone call from one of the upper staff. She wants me to help coordinate an art show with pieces done by survivors of domestic abuse. This is not going to be easy.
The first reason is that this staff person wants to hold it in the evening at a bar/restaurant, which is really a bar with a couple of tables, although they do make good food, at least they did the one time I was there six years ago.
The problem is that many women are reluctant, if not downright afraid of being outdoors at night. The second issue is that most of them are either using alcohol and other drugs or are in recovery. They are all fragile, most particularly those who are trying so hard to stay clean and sober.
So, she is willing to forget about the bar, but still has the desire to hold it at night, at a gallery or some other venue, and she wants the work to be available for sale. I am not an expert in any of this, but I have juried and curated many exhibits and shows, and this needs to be decided right now, in order for there to be a decent turn-out of people who are willing to support the ideas and willing to spend money. She want the show/exhibit to be in October. Got to start now.
Another aspect that I do not want to handle over the telephone (we are texting...gosh, me sending texts, just like a big girl), is that there will be a significant number of women that I might be able to convince to participate, but, hell, we the survivors are vulnerable and that is going to keep many women away from the whole thing.
I mean, think of it. The shelter sponsors an art show. Women are convinced to make something and be willing to show it publicly, and then are expected to be there.
That is like exhibiting them for the curiosity and opinions of strangers.
I am thinking that it is a basically good idea, but that the women should not have to self-identify if they do not want to do so. The staff person has walked the border of exploitation for some of her other projects. Two that come to mind are bringing in a church group and making the women bake cookies with them. I might have been the only person who thought that might not work, as our women are finally in a safe place and some of them felt like they were being paraded just to make some church ladies feel like they are doing something wonderful.
The second one is that a local sports group held a fund-raiser-game for the shelter, then brought the money and some desserts to the shelter so that the women could cook a meal to thank them. That actually is a nice idea, but the staff person's menu ideas were expensive and she thought that the money and/or food was going to magically appear or something.
There are more, but those are the two most recent. Now, I do not want to be a debbie-downer or a crank or a killjoy or a bitch. Really. But, if you want to do something, perhaps, and this is just one of my insane and crazy-bitch ideas, but how about including the women in the shelter in brainstorming and planning what they would be comfortable doing?
No, I guess that is too radical. Also, way too much work, all that business of being sensitive to what our women are experiencing and what they just survived to be able to come to us.
I really do sound like a bitch. Totally. I mean, I have that art program that I run at that social service agency. I have all of the other stuff I do at the library and at the shelter for enrichment and I so really and truly support anything that helps not only our women and their children, but that brings some kind of money through the door. That money problem just nibbles and snaps at your heels; you never know when the next money-sucking thing is going to go wrong in that building. We have been reduced to rationing things like coffee and eggs for crying out loud.
I never complain about this stuff, but it drives me insane. So, I will do my best to find a gallery that will stay open late for one night. One turned me down this afternoon, and it was a good friend of mine. Sigh. I will find a gallery that will be willing to donate the time and expense of extra hours and maybe allowing the work to hang for a few weeks. Shit. I am going to be owing a whole bunch of people a whole bunch of favors.
What the heck did I eat today?
BREAKFAST
I think it was a big salad when I got home this morning. Or, maybe nothing or something else. I simply cannot remember
LUNCH
big salad
pickles
chunk of liver sausage
DINNER
celery
snack pack of chunky peanut butter
pickles
radishes
Not enough. You know, when I am going about having my day, it seems fine, but seeing it on the page here it looks crazy. I can fix this, or just start fibbing lying about eating more. I just want to be as clear in mind and intent and practice as I am about being committed to eating more cleanly, which mean a pretty much permanent farewell to breads, grain, beans and that stuff. Tons and tons of refined carbohydrates made up nearly my entire diet.
I would be so tempted to go back to eating that way, except that I am already feeling better. Aside from the fruit thing, my digestive system seems to be working better. I am less tired and sleepy and have not taken a nap this entire time
Today's saddest story is that I never got to cook the meats I bought on Saturday, because of that unusual schedule and all of the out-of-schedule sleeping I have been doing. I am heartbroken about having to toss that in the trash for pick up tomorrow morning. Plus, that stuff was supposed to create leftovers that I could take for lunch at work tomorrow. I have salad stuff. Maybe there is a can of tuna around.
I had to go look, and I do have a can to toss into the salad, plus a can of artichoke hearts in water, and I am eating a little pack of crunchy peanut butter with a spoon.
This will all work out. It is a new habit to develop, just like everything else. Oooooh, peanut butter via a spoon is gaggy. Ack...hack...hack...erp. Another habit to develop.
What an angsty day, including the fly that snuck into the house this morning. Although, I do have to say that it is nice, very nice, to have ordinary problems. Bitching over. And, out. Snore.
Healthier eating - Day...something
It is too early to post, but I am pretty sure that I did not do anything yesterday.
Monday
BREAKFAST
Nothing
LUNCH
3 healthy hot dogs - they really do exist
salad
2 small, but outstanding tomatoes
DINNER
3 more hot dogs
I worked third shift yesterday, and just got home two hours ago. So, I had planned on eating out for lunch until I realized that I had to go home and sleep.
I had the salad and tomatoes and a couple of dill pickles. I was still hungry (and not sleepy), went to the refrigerator to look for something easy and found that package of healthy hot dogs that I bought on Sunday. I had three of them, with lots more pickles and two antihistamines.
I went to bed, read for a while and fell asleep. I managed to stay in bed until 10:00 p.m., but kept waking up, like five or six times. Finally got up refreshed, washed up, troweled on some makeup and went to work.
I stayed for an extra hour or so to haul a really bad donation out to the trash. Some of the advocates hate to refuse any donations, but most of what we get is the trashy left-overs from a rummage sale and no one wants any of that stuff and we do not have any place to store stuff even if it was not a pile-o-crap. More work for us and the city to take this stuff on garbage day, but I guess the person who donates can legitimately take a deduction on their taxes. It is a messy business all around.
My plan was to eat something (the other little turkey thigh, so gooooood) and then go do the laundry I had planned on doing yesterday afternoon until I realized that I needed the sleep to be able to work all night more than clean BGPs.
Now, having just finished that meat, I am tired and am going to bed. Thank goodness I have one set of clean clothing and some clean BGPs for work tomorrow. At least I have breakfast out of the way. I am feeling great, but I have to find a way to eat more food.
Monday
BREAKFAST
Nothing
LUNCH
3 healthy hot dogs - they really do exist
salad
2 small, but outstanding tomatoes
DINNER
3 more hot dogs
I worked third shift yesterday, and just got home two hours ago. So, I had planned on eating out for lunch until I realized that I had to go home and sleep.
I had the salad and tomatoes and a couple of dill pickles. I was still hungry (and not sleepy), went to the refrigerator to look for something easy and found that package of healthy hot dogs that I bought on Sunday. I had three of them, with lots more pickles and two antihistamines.
I went to bed, read for a while and fell asleep. I managed to stay in bed until 10:00 p.m., but kept waking up, like five or six times. Finally got up refreshed, washed up, troweled on some makeup and went to work.
I stayed for an extra hour or so to haul a really bad donation out to the trash. Some of the advocates hate to refuse any donations, but most of what we get is the trashy left-overs from a rummage sale and no one wants any of that stuff and we do not have any place to store stuff even if it was not a pile-o-crap. More work for us and the city to take this stuff on garbage day, but I guess the person who donates can legitimately take a deduction on their taxes. It is a messy business all around.
My plan was to eat something (the other little turkey thigh, so gooooood) and then go do the laundry I had planned on doing yesterday afternoon until I realized that I needed the sleep to be able to work all night more than clean BGPs.
Now, having just finished that meat, I am tired and am going to bed. Thank goodness I have one set of clean clothing and some clean BGPs for work tomorrow. At least I have breakfast out of the way. I am feeling great, but I have to find a way to eat more food.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Healthier eating - Day 7 I think
Yeah, it is the seventh day, which is kind of interesting, now that I am typing this, today is the seventh day, the one on which God rested. At least that was his diary said.
And, it is my seventh day of trying to get healthier.
And, I went to church this morning.
Cool, hey?
On the the menu.
BREAKFAST
Nothing.
I chose sleep instead of food, knowing that I would stay for the hospitality stuff after services and that I would be able to have only coffee. They do provide things like cookies and kringle and other cheap and carby stuff. Which is totally cool, as I have enjoyed many of cheap cookie there.
LUNCH
3 ribs of celery
1/4 cup of guacamole, half of a small container from the market near to the dollar store that I went to after I filled the gas tank after services and hospitality were over.
DINNER
Watermelon
a handful of Ranier cherries
5 pieces of dried mango
4 turkey necks
So, I did get up and go to church. No sleeping in for me today because I had bad dream after bad dream, at least six of them. You know the kind where you wake up, know that it was just a dream because you woke yourself out of the dream because it was so icky. I have been having icky dreams for some months now, but they stopped last weekend and I thought it might be a premature response to not eating carbs. Like, there was some digestive or neurological side effect from eating all that lovely bread, oats and sweet potato starch noodles.
Church was nice, but that pastor must be scraping the bottom of his sermon barrel. Today's chiding was that he wanted people to sit closer to eat other, that moving to the forward pews would be more enriching and more holy for us. His words, not mine. I am not bothered or shamed by this stuff, and I always use it to help me think about why the heck (really want to say hell) I even notice the things he says, much less think about them.
But, I do. I go there looking for connection and meaning. I have shared with my spiritual adviser many times that I cannot see myself falling back into complete belief, the kind of faithful living or practice that is so comforting for most people. My critical thinking skill have grown as a result of that other life and my now-new life and how I am managing and all that. So, turning that off really is not an option. That kind of sweet faith is not going to work for me.
But, I want to believe. I want that so much. So, I go to church when schedule and health permit and sit there, paying attention, looking for any bit of anything that will help and enlighten me, help me move closer to belief and faith and that self-assured acceptance.
Today was a bit more special because I wanted to experience some connection to all of the head-stuff from last week. That did not happen, but there was a reading that struck me. Pretty significantly, too.
It was about living an earthly life as opposed to a spiritual life.
The earthly life is toxic and it is death. It is inevitable that we live in the real world (whatever that means, just like normal, ordinary...). If we did not, there would be no church to attend, no people running a church.
The spiritual life is accepting God as the everything. You know the way that is. The spiritual life is, well, it is life, both here on the earthly plane and in heaven. But, you must be clear that heaven is not what we believe it to be, as I learned in the other sermon following the reading. Pastor used a pop-culture/film reference for what heaven is not, and, frankly, writing this, the real heaven, how it is, just leaked out of my brain.
There was also a new banner up front, in the neighborhood of the altar that had Saint Luke sewn onto it, below an appliquéd figure. I asked Pastor what the symbolism meant, having waited until everyone had moved into the hospitality room and it was was the two of us left in the church part.
He told me that he did not know, but he would try to explain what he did know. The appliqué turned out to be an oxen, which is connected to St. Luke, but Pastor did not know why, only that it was. I asked what the shape above it was, if it was an elongated star shape and what that might mean. Pastor told me that they were wings, and, gosh, they were. He told me that the winged ox was St. Luke's thing. The ox on the banner also had a solid red halo thing around its head. I told Pastor that from where I especially like sitting, that it had looked like a masked ninja holding a shield.
I think that pretty much ended me for him. I said that I was going to research it, and I am going to because there might be something in all that for me.
Anyway, he escaped me when a man walked up and I went, sat with some people I know and had my cup of coffee. The woman who wanted me to transport her to and from work in the wee hours was there and I asked how the job at McDonald's was going and she told me that it was not for her, that is was way too difficult and the pace was too fast and she felt overwhelmed. Should she again mention that wee-morning-me-driving job again, I will offer the same week or two until she makes nice with someone else who can give her rides.
Then there was this thing with this guy, but that is a long story and for another time.
Next, I went to the dollar store to find a bowl large enough to make the meatloaf, and I picked up some office-type things I need for some of my jobs and then went to get cauliflower to make the potato-less potato, kale and hot sausage soup that I plan to make tomorrow night.
I have to stop going into markets. I am kind of loving all of this fruit (the Ranier cherries), and $15.00 poorer, I left. Ate my lunch in the car and came home. I have the stuff I need to make that towel and will finish it tomorrow at the laundromat.
I roasted those turkey necks, which were absolutely delicious, as well as being a food that you have to eat in private, roasted the two turkey thighs that were on sale and got back to work.
The guac was so good; they make it fresh there a couple of times a day. Crazy, huh? But, it did not have the jalapenos on the ingredient list. I am thinking that it might have been a new person who chose bell peppers by mistake. Guacamole would make a really great lunch for work days, so I guess I will be visiting the market again fairly soon. I am going to eat myself into the poorhouse, or at the very least out on the street.
Tomorrow is therapy, group and laundry, with some sewing thrown in. It already sounds like a good day, which, really, is any day when the big girl panties get washed.
Oh, and I walked a bit today. It was mostly because there were no parking spaces near the church, but, hey, walking is walking.
And, it is my seventh day of trying to get healthier.
And, I went to church this morning.
Cool, hey?
On the the menu.
BREAKFAST
Nothing.
I chose sleep instead of food, knowing that I would stay for the hospitality stuff after services and that I would be able to have only coffee. They do provide things like cookies and kringle and other cheap and carby stuff. Which is totally cool, as I have enjoyed many of cheap cookie there.
LUNCH
3 ribs of celery
1/4 cup of guacamole, half of a small container from the market near to the dollar store that I went to after I filled the gas tank after services and hospitality were over.
DINNER
Watermelon
a handful of Ranier cherries
5 pieces of dried mango
4 turkey necks
So, I did get up and go to church. No sleeping in for me today because I had bad dream after bad dream, at least six of them. You know the kind where you wake up, know that it was just a dream because you woke yourself out of the dream because it was so icky. I have been having icky dreams for some months now, but they stopped last weekend and I thought it might be a premature response to not eating carbs. Like, there was some digestive or neurological side effect from eating all that lovely bread, oats and sweet potato starch noodles.
Church was nice, but that pastor must be scraping the bottom of his sermon barrel. Today's chiding was that he wanted people to sit closer to eat other, that moving to the forward pews would be more enriching and more holy for us. His words, not mine. I am not bothered or shamed by this stuff, and I always use it to help me think about why the heck (really want to say hell) I even notice the things he says, much less think about them.
But, I do. I go there looking for connection and meaning. I have shared with my spiritual adviser many times that I cannot see myself falling back into complete belief, the kind of faithful living or practice that is so comforting for most people. My critical thinking skill have grown as a result of that other life and my now-new life and how I am managing and all that. So, turning that off really is not an option. That kind of sweet faith is not going to work for me.
But, I want to believe. I want that so much. So, I go to church when schedule and health permit and sit there, paying attention, looking for any bit of anything that will help and enlighten me, help me move closer to belief and faith and that self-assured acceptance.
Today was a bit more special because I wanted to experience some connection to all of the head-stuff from last week. That did not happen, but there was a reading that struck me. Pretty significantly, too.
It was about living an earthly life as opposed to a spiritual life.
The earthly life is toxic and it is death. It is inevitable that we live in the real world (whatever that means, just like normal, ordinary...). If we did not, there would be no church to attend, no people running a church.
The spiritual life is accepting God as the everything. You know the way that is. The spiritual life is, well, it is life, both here on the earthly plane and in heaven. But, you must be clear that heaven is not what we believe it to be, as I learned in the other sermon following the reading. Pastor used a pop-culture/film reference for what heaven is not, and, frankly, writing this, the real heaven, how it is, just leaked out of my brain.
There was also a new banner up front, in the neighborhood of the altar that had Saint Luke sewn onto it, below an appliquéd figure. I asked Pastor what the symbolism meant, having waited until everyone had moved into the hospitality room and it was was the two of us left in the church part.
He told me that he did not know, but he would try to explain what he did know. The appliqué turned out to be an oxen, which is connected to St. Luke, but Pastor did not know why, only that it was. I asked what the shape above it was, if it was an elongated star shape and what that might mean. Pastor told me that they were wings, and, gosh, they were. He told me that the winged ox was St. Luke's thing. The ox on the banner also had a solid red halo thing around its head. I told Pastor that from where I especially like sitting, that it had looked like a masked ninja holding a shield.
I think that pretty much ended me for him. I said that I was going to research it, and I am going to because there might be something in all that for me.
Anyway, he escaped me when a man walked up and I went, sat with some people I know and had my cup of coffee. The woman who wanted me to transport her to and from work in the wee hours was there and I asked how the job at McDonald's was going and she told me that it was not for her, that is was way too difficult and the pace was too fast and she felt overwhelmed. Should she again mention that wee-morning-me-driving job again, I will offer the same week or two until she makes nice with someone else who can give her rides.
Then there was this thing with this guy, but that is a long story and for another time.
Next, I went to the dollar store to find a bowl large enough to make the meatloaf, and I picked up some office-type things I need for some of my jobs and then went to get cauliflower to make the potato-less potato, kale and hot sausage soup that I plan to make tomorrow night.
I have to stop going into markets. I am kind of loving all of this fruit (the Ranier cherries), and $15.00 poorer, I left. Ate my lunch in the car and came home. I have the stuff I need to make that towel and will finish it tomorrow at the laundromat.
I roasted those turkey necks, which were absolutely delicious, as well as being a food that you have to eat in private, roasted the two turkey thighs that were on sale and got back to work.
The guac was so good; they make it fresh there a couple of times a day. Crazy, huh? But, it did not have the jalapenos on the ingredient list. I am thinking that it might have been a new person who chose bell peppers by mistake. Guacamole would make a really great lunch for work days, so I guess I will be visiting the market again fairly soon. I am going to eat myself into the poorhouse, or at the very least out on the street.
Tomorrow is therapy, group and laundry, with some sewing thrown in. It already sounds like a good day, which, really, is any day when the big girl panties get washed.
Oh, and I walked a bit today. It was mostly because there were no parking spaces near the church, but, hey, walking is walking.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Healthier eating - Day 6 -with other life stuff
As soon as I start exercising, as in actually moving in a way that uses my actual body, as opposed to the minimal amount of movement that simply gets me from place to place, I want to change this recording of the days to Healthier living. But, that day is not here yet. I do not see it happening this week or the next, but you just never know about these things. Yeah. Right.
BREAKFAST
2 eggs, over-easy
6 slices of bacon
2 mugs of regular coffee
I met my friends at one of their favorite restaurants. I do not meet them often enough to have a favorite of my own, so deferring to the rest of them is fine, as I cannot remember any of the places, except for George Webb, and care only about seeing them, not where it is.
This place charges a bit extra for substitutions, which I totally get, so I just ordered the least expensive menu choice and gave my hash browns and raisin toast to the others. I did eat the two, over-easy eggs and the three strips of bacon and the extra three that I ordered. The bacon was perfect and the coffee was divine.
The company was even better. These women like me, as in really like me. Two of them love me and I pretty much love all of them. When I left that other life they were as shocked as everyone else, and they stood by and supported me even when I was unable to share any of it. It is impossible to keep those kinds of secrets for decades and then be able to share the truth, even when it is a a bit more safe to do so.
Anyway, I made it part of the way home before I had to stop and, well, you know, southern hemisphere thing.
LUNCH
a third of a small chicken half
1 cup roasted vegetables
cherries, a whole bunch
I stopped at an upper-scale market on the way home. Well, what happened is that I also stopped at a craft store because I am participating in this swap thing, just received my swap partner's stuff to me and just cannot send her purchased stuff. That meant I had to stop and buy the parts to make something to send to her. She is also getting a bunch of crafting items, because she sent me the most lovely and abundant gifts. Puts me and my slacker ways to shame.
Anyway, I had made it almost to home after the crafting store and realized that I did not have my phone. I had used it to go on-line for one of the store's coupons (saved $10.00, baby!). I called that phone with my disposable phone that I keep for clients to use, twice. It rang and went to voice mail, which was kind of nice because I was not entirely sure that I was dialing the right number for my missing phone. Then, I used that other phone to call 411 to get the number for the store.
I am digressing here, but my phone carrier charges quite enough for their service, completely aside from the sad fact that I was an exceptionally bad consumer when I bought it, and before I could get to the part where I could ask (a relative term, as there is no actual person on the other end, just an algorithm) for the store's number and I had to wait and listen to a commercial for an insurance company. I guess that is what keeps the 411 system free.
So, I called the crafty store and they had my phone, and a long trip back to fetch it and then starting home again, several hours had passed and I was hungry.
No more drive-through food for me and I started to think about waiting until I got home to eat or stopping at some market and buying stuff I could eat out of hand. My tummy won, especially since I have not been eating enough calories this week and I was afraid that I was messing with my appetite too much and would not want to eat when I finally got home.
So, I stopped at my first favorite market. Up-scale and all that, but they often have the most amazing sales and significantly lower prices on fruits and vegetables. Plus, they have a dozen or more stations in the produce department where you can sample delicious things. The cantaloupe was yummy, but I already have too much fruit at home, southern hemisphere and all that jazz.
I could not find a single pork sausage product that did not have sugars in it. Even the homemade stuff in their meat counter has a bit of sugar. Man. So, I did what any normal person would do and just bought some of the sugary stuff... NO, I did not. I bought two pounds of insanely inexpensive ground pork to make my own sausage. Since I was not going to make links, just bulk sausage is easy to make.
In a shopping mood, because this store makes me feel so comfortable and welcome to shop there, I wandered around. Bought, tomatoes, cherries, curly kale (wanted Racinto, but it was too pricey), some dried mangoes (just the mango, no other ingredients), the pork, some spices, and I have to stop shopping!!!!! I will eat all of this food, but I have to stop going to the store. Lordy.
On the way home I decided that making patties for the freezer from the ground beef I bought yesterday sounded just plain awful for when it came time to thaw and eat them. I am going to use the lovely Italian spices that I bought, toss it and a couple of eggs into the ground pork and beef and make a big ole meatloaf. Sauté celery, onion and garlic, let it cool a bit, put the ground meats into a big bowl, crack a few eggs on top, toss in the seasonings, top off with a drained can of chopped tomatoes, get my hands in there and it becomes perfectly appropriate meatloaf. Despite my love of breads and crackers, none of them have ever made it into my meatloaves because, well, because that is the way I roll. The only acceptable filler is the eggs, to hold it all together.
Meatloaf sounds so much better than making sausage and having to endure eating all of those ground beef patties. Eventually. I could eat my meatloaf every day, for every meal, and have often done just that. Problem solved.
After shopping, I sat in the car and ate the roasted vegetables (there were not any potatoes or carrots in the mix to tempt me), the wing and a chunk of the breast of the chicken. Lunch accomplished with a decent amount of nutrition, more than 100 calories and I ate some of the cherries on the way home. Despite all of the driving, it was a nice day so far.
DINNER
The rest of the half chicken, the last of the cherries, and I was too full to have any salad. I have to say that these cheap cherries have been the highlight of my week. Kind of small (which probable explains the low price), but sweet, with the perfect measure of tangyness.
Now, exhausted after trekking around all day, I am heading off to bed to read and go to sleep. My plan for tomorrow is the organize more of the craft crap I have, go to church in the morning and stay around for the hospitality thing they have after services.
It was a full day of wonderfulness. Nice. Although, I have been thinking about old George and the quote I remembered for yesterday.
I cannot stop wondering what I would be willing to do, what I would sacrifice, how much I would be willing to suffer in the short term in order to benefit my future. I need to have someone to discuss this with. It will probably end up in therapy, but that is not the kind of dialogue I want to have.
On top of that, on the final leg of my journey home, I was listening to public radio. It was the Radio Lab program, one that they purchase for playing on the local station. One of the topics was morality and it was very interesting. Some of the stuff I had heard/read before, but the cohesiveness of the entire program just rocked.
It has added another layer, I guess more of a dimension to the thoughts that hold my interest this week. You know, there is no randomness in the Universe, so it should be interesting to hear what tomorrow morning's sermon is about. Yeah.
I am giving the link to the Radio Lab program from today so that I can easily find it again.
Radio Lab
Morality
http://www.radiolab.org/story/91508-morality/
Something is coming along here. Not sure what it is, but I am rarely wrong about this sort of thing and it is best for me to be paying attention.
One more thought, and it is a line from a movie I watched this evening. I am sure that I am misquoting, but I have the essence, because it poked me in the nose when I heard it.
We will not be bound by tragedy, for what we have in the future is based on what we do today.
BREAKFAST
2 eggs, over-easy
6 slices of bacon
2 mugs of regular coffee
I met my friends at one of their favorite restaurants. I do not meet them often enough to have a favorite of my own, so deferring to the rest of them is fine, as I cannot remember any of the places, except for George Webb, and care only about seeing them, not where it is.
This place charges a bit extra for substitutions, which I totally get, so I just ordered the least expensive menu choice and gave my hash browns and raisin toast to the others. I did eat the two, over-easy eggs and the three strips of bacon and the extra three that I ordered. The bacon was perfect and the coffee was divine.
The company was even better. These women like me, as in really like me. Two of them love me and I pretty much love all of them. When I left that other life they were as shocked as everyone else, and they stood by and supported me even when I was unable to share any of it. It is impossible to keep those kinds of secrets for decades and then be able to share the truth, even when it is a a bit more safe to do so.
Anyway, I made it part of the way home before I had to stop and, well, you know, southern hemisphere thing.
LUNCH
a third of a small chicken half
1 cup roasted vegetables
cherries, a whole bunch
I stopped at an upper-scale market on the way home. Well, what happened is that I also stopped at a craft store because I am participating in this swap thing, just received my swap partner's stuff to me and just cannot send her purchased stuff. That meant I had to stop and buy the parts to make something to send to her. She is also getting a bunch of crafting items, because she sent me the most lovely and abundant gifts. Puts me and my slacker ways to shame.
Anyway, I had made it almost to home after the crafting store and realized that I did not have my phone. I had used it to go on-line for one of the store's coupons (saved $10.00, baby!). I called that phone with my disposable phone that I keep for clients to use, twice. It rang and went to voice mail, which was kind of nice because I was not entirely sure that I was dialing the right number for my missing phone. Then, I used that other phone to call 411 to get the number for the store.
I am digressing here, but my phone carrier charges quite enough for their service, completely aside from the sad fact that I was an exceptionally bad consumer when I bought it, and before I could get to the part where I could ask (a relative term, as there is no actual person on the other end, just an algorithm) for the store's number and I had to wait and listen to a commercial for an insurance company. I guess that is what keeps the 411 system free.
So, I called the crafty store and they had my phone, and a long trip back to fetch it and then starting home again, several hours had passed and I was hungry.
No more drive-through food for me and I started to think about waiting until I got home to eat or stopping at some market and buying stuff I could eat out of hand. My tummy won, especially since I have not been eating enough calories this week and I was afraid that I was messing with my appetite too much and would not want to eat when I finally got home.
So, I stopped at my first favorite market. Up-scale and all that, but they often have the most amazing sales and significantly lower prices on fruits and vegetables. Plus, they have a dozen or more stations in the produce department where you can sample delicious things. The cantaloupe was yummy, but I already have too much fruit at home, southern hemisphere and all that jazz.
I could not find a single pork sausage product that did not have sugars in it. Even the homemade stuff in their meat counter has a bit of sugar. Man. So, I did what any normal person would do and just bought some of the sugary stuff... NO, I did not. I bought two pounds of insanely inexpensive ground pork to make my own sausage. Since I was not going to make links, just bulk sausage is easy to make.
In a shopping mood, because this store makes me feel so comfortable and welcome to shop there, I wandered around. Bought, tomatoes, cherries, curly kale (wanted Racinto, but it was too pricey), some dried mangoes (just the mango, no other ingredients), the pork, some spices, and I have to stop shopping!!!!! I will eat all of this food, but I have to stop going to the store. Lordy.
On the way home I decided that making patties for the freezer from the ground beef I bought yesterday sounded just plain awful for when it came time to thaw and eat them. I am going to use the lovely Italian spices that I bought, toss it and a couple of eggs into the ground pork and beef and make a big ole meatloaf. Sauté celery, onion and garlic, let it cool a bit, put the ground meats into a big bowl, crack a few eggs on top, toss in the seasonings, top off with a drained can of chopped tomatoes, get my hands in there and it becomes perfectly appropriate meatloaf. Despite my love of breads and crackers, none of them have ever made it into my meatloaves because, well, because that is the way I roll. The only acceptable filler is the eggs, to hold it all together.
Meatloaf sounds so much better than making sausage and having to endure eating all of those ground beef patties. Eventually. I could eat my meatloaf every day, for every meal, and have often done just that. Problem solved.
After shopping, I sat in the car and ate the roasted vegetables (there were not any potatoes or carrots in the mix to tempt me), the wing and a chunk of the breast of the chicken. Lunch accomplished with a decent amount of nutrition, more than 100 calories and I ate some of the cherries on the way home. Despite all of the driving, it was a nice day so far.
DINNER
The rest of the half chicken, the last of the cherries, and I was too full to have any salad. I have to say that these cheap cherries have been the highlight of my week. Kind of small (which probable explains the low price), but sweet, with the perfect measure of tangyness.
Now, exhausted after trekking around all day, I am heading off to bed to read and go to sleep. My plan for tomorrow is the organize more of the craft crap I have, go to church in the morning and stay around for the hospitality thing they have after services.
It was a full day of wonderfulness. Nice. Although, I have been thinking about old George and the quote I remembered for yesterday.
I cannot stop wondering what I would be willing to do, what I would sacrifice, how much I would be willing to suffer in the short term in order to benefit my future. I need to have someone to discuss this with. It will probably end up in therapy, but that is not the kind of dialogue I want to have.
On top of that, on the final leg of my journey home, I was listening to public radio. It was the Radio Lab program, one that they purchase for playing on the local station. One of the topics was morality and it was very interesting. Some of the stuff I had heard/read before, but the cohesiveness of the entire program just rocked.
It has added another layer, I guess more of a dimension to the thoughts that hold my interest this week. You know, there is no randomness in the Universe, so it should be interesting to hear what tomorrow morning's sermon is about. Yeah.
I am giving the link to the Radio Lab program from today so that I can easily find it again.
Radio Lab
Morality
http://www.radiolab.org/story/91508-morality/
Something is coming along here. Not sure what it is, but I am rarely wrong about this sort of thing and it is best for me to be paying attention.
One more thought, and it is a line from a movie I watched this evening. I am sure that I am misquoting, but I have the essence, because it poked me in the nose when I heard it.
We will not be bound by tragedy, for what we have in the future is based on what we do today.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Healthier eating - Day 5
BREAKFAST
Salad, vinaigrette.
LUNCH
1 ounce of chocolate.
SNACK
Watermelon and turkey bacon jerky.
Wow, was that jerky good! I bought this maybe six months ago, forgot about it and would totally buy it again. It is another food that I can take along with me.
DINNER
Turkey leg, roasted, kind of on the small size.
Salad, vinaigrette.
I worked a 6-hour day at the library. It is a drop-in lab and I cannot even take a bathroom break unless one of the security guards passes by and watches the room for me.
I am beginning to feel really full after eating and for hours. But, just a casual look at these posts informs me that I might not be eating enough calories. I vowed, promised, well, just kind of thought about it, that I was not going to count calories or weigh myself. I do not have a scale, but I do know how to count and it is so tempting to keep a casual record of approximate daily calories.
However, I am going to resist. I remember dieting one time, amongst many, many times of dieting, being all right for a while and and then slowly gaining all of the weight back again. Usually weighing more than when I started. So, no more of that counting and weighing insanity. It has not worked before and there is no reason to expect that it will make any positive difference now.
I am feeling fine, though. No tiredness today, not even thinking about a nap. I shopped again today, a week since last time.
I bought an English roast, whatever that is, will have to Google it. I will slice some against the grain for fast broiling and freeze the rest in slices and little chunks for future meals. 70% lean ground beef was on sale for $2.00/pound/US, so I got a few pounds of that. I will be making that into patties for the freezer. I also bought two small turkey legs, and had one for dinner tonight.
I had forgotten how much more yummy turkey is than chicken. I know that part of the taste of food is because I do not buy organic, but turkey will be more of what I buy than any other kind of meat.
I looked at other beef cuts. Too expensive. Pork chops, the long, thin ones were affordable, but the way they look. Too great of an ewwwww factor.
Lots of salad ingredients, watermelon (the biggish seedless ones for $2.99 and cherries (on sale, but not all that nice). I wanted grapefruit, but it was too expensive, as were any of the kinds of oranges. Same thing for apples and other fruits. But, that is fine, because if I have extra money I can stop mid-week for more.
I bought four bags of frozen Brussels sprouts and two of chopped broccoli.
That is it. This is expensive and I am hoping that I will stop freaking-out when the cashier rings the total. For this week and next, just those minimal items came to over $100.00, which is 25% more than I usually spend. Yikes. I am hoping to stretch all of the ground meat and the roast for at least ten meals. The turkey legs are just three meals, one leg tonight and the other chopped up for two stir-fry meals.
I was afraid of my southern hemisphere response, so I did not have any eggs today, but it is clear that if I want to get the same amount of protein benefit as I did as a vegan, eggs have to be part of what I eat. I forgot to hard cook a few for experimenting with that, so I will try to do it this weekend.
I cannot increase my food budget like this. It is stressing me so much, but I have to give this a chance and the only way to do that is to be strong about refined carbs. It was difficult to resist buying any today, and the weird thing is that I finished shopping in such a short time because I went to only three sections of the store, produce, meat and frozen stuff.
Well, off to bed. I want to get up early and meet my old friends for coffee, but not breakfast because without the carbs, there is not anything to order that will not make me feel sick. Maybe I will have a big plate of bacon and maybe they will take mercy on me and throw a salad together.
Be strong, J, go long and sing a song.
I need a new quote to become my brain creature, as I keep thinking about the lie one.
O.K. George Burns, the American comic actor, said "I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."
Does that count if being a success at something you hate also pays insanely well? Because, you know, I would be willing to work at a heinous job for a short while if they threw a whole bunch of money at me to be there and be miserable. Just a short while, until I built up some savings, then I would dump that job in a heartbeat.
Nice fantasy, as that is never going to happen. I used to pray for abundance, believing that praying for lots of money was just plain rude. And, guess what? Prayer works, because I am filled to the gills and beyond with abundance of all kinds.
Totally great family and friends.
Seriously meaningful work of the kind that feels more like play than work should.
I have a great place to live, in a not-too-bad city.
I have enough money to pay my bills, although I am not factoring in the new food expenses quite yet.
I have access to easy transportation.
I sleep exceedingly well and wake refreshed, almost always before the alarm goes off.
I have clean water at my fingertips for drinking and bathing and laundry.
More importantly (and is it not always the way) I am safe here, at least as safe as anyone can be these days.
I am one seriously lucky person.
Salad, vinaigrette.
LUNCH
1 ounce of chocolate.
SNACK
Watermelon and turkey bacon jerky.
Wow, was that jerky good! I bought this maybe six months ago, forgot about it and would totally buy it again. It is another food that I can take along with me.
DINNER
Turkey leg, roasted, kind of on the small size.
Salad, vinaigrette.
I worked a 6-hour day at the library. It is a drop-in lab and I cannot even take a bathroom break unless one of the security guards passes by and watches the room for me.
I am beginning to feel really full after eating and for hours. But, just a casual look at these posts informs me that I might not be eating enough calories. I vowed, promised, well, just kind of thought about it, that I was not going to count calories or weigh myself. I do not have a scale, but I do know how to count and it is so tempting to keep a casual record of approximate daily calories.
However, I am going to resist. I remember dieting one time, amongst many, many times of dieting, being all right for a while and and then slowly gaining all of the weight back again. Usually weighing more than when I started. So, no more of that counting and weighing insanity. It has not worked before and there is no reason to expect that it will make any positive difference now.
I am feeling fine, though. No tiredness today, not even thinking about a nap. I shopped again today, a week since last time.
I bought an English roast, whatever that is, will have to Google it. I will slice some against the grain for fast broiling and freeze the rest in slices and little chunks for future meals. 70% lean ground beef was on sale for $2.00/pound/US, so I got a few pounds of that. I will be making that into patties for the freezer. I also bought two small turkey legs, and had one for dinner tonight.
I had forgotten how much more yummy turkey is than chicken. I know that part of the taste of food is because I do not buy organic, but turkey will be more of what I buy than any other kind of meat.
I looked at other beef cuts. Too expensive. Pork chops, the long, thin ones were affordable, but the way they look. Too great of an ewwwww factor.
Lots of salad ingredients, watermelon (the biggish seedless ones for $2.99 and cherries (on sale, but not all that nice). I wanted grapefruit, but it was too expensive, as were any of the kinds of oranges. Same thing for apples and other fruits. But, that is fine, because if I have extra money I can stop mid-week for more.
I bought four bags of frozen Brussels sprouts and two of chopped broccoli.
That is it. This is expensive and I am hoping that I will stop freaking-out when the cashier rings the total. For this week and next, just those minimal items came to over $100.00, which is 25% more than I usually spend. Yikes. I am hoping to stretch all of the ground meat and the roast for at least ten meals. The turkey legs are just three meals, one leg tonight and the other chopped up for two stir-fry meals.
I was afraid of my southern hemisphere response, so I did not have any eggs today, but it is clear that if I want to get the same amount of protein benefit as I did as a vegan, eggs have to be part of what I eat. I forgot to hard cook a few for experimenting with that, so I will try to do it this weekend.
I cannot increase my food budget like this. It is stressing me so much, but I have to give this a chance and the only way to do that is to be strong about refined carbs. It was difficult to resist buying any today, and the weird thing is that I finished shopping in such a short time because I went to only three sections of the store, produce, meat and frozen stuff.
Well, off to bed. I want to get up early and meet my old friends for coffee, but not breakfast because without the carbs, there is not anything to order that will not make me feel sick. Maybe I will have a big plate of bacon and maybe they will take mercy on me and throw a salad together.
Be strong, J, go long and sing a song.
I need a new quote to become my brain creature, as I keep thinking about the lie one.
O.K. George Burns, the American comic actor, said "I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."
Does that count if being a success at something you hate also pays insanely well? Because, you know, I would be willing to work at a heinous job for a short while if they threw a whole bunch of money at me to be there and be miserable. Just a short while, until I built up some savings, then I would dump that job in a heartbeat.
Nice fantasy, as that is never going to happen. I used to pray for abundance, believing that praying for lots of money was just plain rude. And, guess what? Prayer works, because I am filled to the gills and beyond with abundance of all kinds.
Totally great family and friends.
Seriously meaningful work of the kind that feels more like play than work should.
I have a great place to live, in a not-too-bad city.
I have enough money to pay my bills, although I am not factoring in the new food expenses quite yet.
I have access to easy transportation.
I sleep exceedingly well and wake refreshed, almost always before the alarm goes off.
I have clean water at my fingertips for drinking and bathing and laundry.
More importantly (and is it not always the way) I am safe here, at least as safe as anyone can be these days.
I am one seriously lucky person.
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