BREAKFAST
If you sleep until 11:30 a.m., there is no such meal.
LUNCH
I was not hungry, so between noon-ish and 4:00 p.m. I had:
bowl of chili
pickled vegetables
4 ounces of left-over steak
DINNER
bowl of chili
apple
The meat was difficult to eat. I wanted to stop after the first two bites, but I did manage to eat the whole piece. I really did take me those nearly four hours to eat that stuff.
This lack of hunger bothers me so, in between bits of eating, I researched lack of appetite in regards to dieting. The most frequent thing I found was that eating too few calories shoves you into that controversial starvation mode. It makes sense, but it has the ring of too easy of an excuse for a lot of things about cutting back on what we eat. I am not a scientist, just a science nerd, so what the heck do I know.
The web site that made the most sense to me was one with which I registered. Based on my weight and how responsibly, gradually and permanent I want my weight loss to be, I am supposed to be eating 2300 calories each day.
Hell, I did not eat that much when I was eating anything that did not move. My current weight certainly has a close relationship with savory things and anything that you can dip into it. Salty and crunchy are my all-time favorite things to eat, especially if you can put sour cream on them.
The bulk of my former diet was beans, legumes, seeds, grains and dark vegetables. Cutting out the carbohydrates left me hungry and frantic for food at times. I resisted and then almost immediately had trouble rousing my appetite.
I figured...still do, although today's reading has informed me otherwise...that if I am not hungry, then my body does not need food, which almost instantly brought back some memories.
Aside from over eating, I would not say, or believe, that I have any other eating disorder. Except that I now remember a year or more when I was intentionally not eating enough. I would pick at food, break it up, move it around the plate and clear my plate into the garbage as soon as I could.
I cannot believe that I had forgotten this stuff. It was about 26 years ago and was a time when I knew that I could not escape my marriage and all that meant and whilst I convinced myself that I was going to be more fit, slimmer and hopefully more attractive to my ex, and hopefully less hated as well, near the end I came to understand that I was trying to starve myself so that I could escape one way or the other. I only stopped because it meant that I would be leaving our child unprotected. The truth is that if I stayed there, he would concentrate on me and not her. The few times I went out for a lunch or an activity with friends, I would come home to hearing that if I had stayed home he would not be bothered by having to watch our daughter. He also told me that if I wanted to do anything outside the house that I had to beg him to do so. I thought he was joking (yes, that is how stupid I was) and he told me that every man wants that.
Oh, I can remember exactly how he said it and how he shifted his weight in his chair, the same thing he did later just before something bad happened. Is that when that physical shift started or just that I am remember it now. It was that movement that propelled me backwards out of the house that last day.
At that time of starving, it was as though I felt that eating was the only control I had in my life. As long as I cooked what he wanted, I could eat too. What a fucking mess. How did I survive all of that. What unobserved damage have I done to our daughter, my daughter. It is no wonder, no great stretch to imagine how greatly we have been damaged.
Well, here we are. I think that one of the best parts of having this now-new life is that I get to make amends with her. I get the chance to make everything that happens from now on be different and supportive and whilst there was so much love back then, love can shower over both of us. Heal us as much as that is possible.
Man, all I an trying to do is become more fit, more healthy and all this stuff is unearthed. I wonder how much more there is to be remembered. All I have to say is that it would be nice if the memories came rushing back on days when I am doing well.
Enough.
Where was I? Oh, yes, 2300 calories a day. I understand the reason for not cutting calories so drastically and I will try to eat more, even though I do not have an appetite.
I am finished with all of that wonderful, seasonal and cheap fruit, but the apple I ate for dinner was nice and crunchy and I felt absolutely no need to put sour cream on it. :)
I am going to keep snack-sized zipper bags of my nut mix around and will eat those, raw vegetables and apples during the day. All three of those can go with me wherever I wander, so I have no excuse for finding myself with only drive-through choices. Insanely, the drive-through item I want, crave, the most is those blended coffee drinks, all icy and sweet and delicious.
I will be walking to the shelter tomorrow to deliver research I did for one of the other advocates. I could drive, but I want to see if I can walk that bit-over-a-mile. I will be taking lots of meds beforehand, and taking lots of water with me. After last week's successes, I will be trying to convince myself to take on new challenges. Crapynappy, I cannot walk there. I have two other errands to take care of in the morning. No matter, there will be new opportunities.
I do not remember what I needed to write about today. Something. Maybe it was a though of something that brought me to the other stuff.
I do want to eat more food. It is healthier and it will help me lose weight more quickly and efficiently, although all of this is really not about the weight. Not so much. I want to get back the good health that I have enjoyed until recently, although it is clear that I have not appreciated and supported it the way I should have been doing. Interesting that I could get to this age with so little health and body stuff to worry me.
I am glad that I am taking these monthly weeks off from my library jobs. I need to have four days in a row to nap and do other things, as soon as I think of some things to do. I am planning to walk downtown on Wednesday. Return my library materials, sit in the square, get coffee from the sandwich place. Watch people, read, walk home. Spend more time on the porch. Just be outside these walls.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
day 22 - captain's log
BREAKFAST
nothing, having chosen sleep over nourishment.
LUNCH
no time between therapy and group.
Mid-afternoon stop at the Chinese place. All healthy and just enough. If I could afford it, eating there would ensure enough calories a couple of times each week, making up for the days when I forget to eat. Or,I could just be more responsible.
Anyway, I am out on the porch, eating the bag of nut mixture I carry around now, finishing Mr. Mercedes (hoping this book will make it to the end without any of my favorite characters getting killed, feet up and enjoying this most wonderful day.
The air is light and slightly breezy and the temperature here in the shade is nearly perfect. I am not sore or feeling stiff and creaky, and it is only today that I realize how badly Friday might have gone, especially had I become stuck or been knocked senseless after diving through the window.
Well, you know what they say about fools...yeah, that pretty much sums me up.
And, poking away at this teeny keyboard is to much for even a daredevil. Cat burgled , turned secret agent like myself. It will be interesting to read this later and see any autofill I missed.
Oh, I almost adopted three kittens this afternoon.
nothing, having chosen sleep over nourishment.
LUNCH
no time between therapy and group.
Mid-afternoon stop at the Chinese place. All healthy and just enough. If I could afford it, eating there would ensure enough calories a couple of times each week, making up for the days when I forget to eat. Or,I could just be more responsible.
Anyway, I am out on the porch, eating the bag of nut mixture I carry around now, finishing Mr. Mercedes (hoping this book will make it to the end without any of my favorite characters getting killed, feet up and enjoying this most wonderful day.
The air is light and slightly breezy and the temperature here in the shade is nearly perfect. I am not sore or feeling stiff and creaky, and it is only today that I realize how badly Friday might have gone, especially had I become stuck or been knocked senseless after diving through the window.
Well, you know what they say about fools...yeah, that pretty much sums me up.
And, poking away at this teeny keyboard is to much for even a daredevil. Cat burgled , turned secret agent like myself. It will be interesting to read this later and see any autofill I missed.
Oh, I almost adopted three kittens this afternoon.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Day 21 - trying to eat more food
BREAKFAST
steak, quick and more like brunch-time, although my first meal of the day
3 ladles of chili
I wanted to eat salad, but I was full, and I am trying to respect what hunger really is, instead of just stuffing stuff down my throat because it tastes good.
I also cooked a second, larger steak and cut it in half for two more meals or snacks.
I no longer want that mindless and careless eating.
LUNCH
a bowl of chili, kind of medium sized
I have not made chili for a long time because I have been avoiding beans. I just had to have some today, and making some means that I did not have any chance to not get around to cooking the ground beef and end up wasting it.
I brought cherries and my nut mix to work, but never got to eat any of it. I did, however, get to lick the little lid of the frosting candy I bought for the kids from the Hispanic market. Good thing it had eighteen little packets, as all the women wanted candy, too. It was very sweet, pun totally intended, because they were just darling.
DINNER
10 or so ounces of pickled vegetables and a diet ginger ale.
When I finally got home a few minutes ago, I was sort of hungry, but nothing looked appetizing except for frozen Brussels sprouts, but it is too late to start cooking anything.
So, I am off to bed.
Oh, and that nice scrape on my side goes down to my leg, something I did not notice yesterday or Friday. I have lots of bruises on my arms, but many fewer than I expected. They are all on the really small size, and I have no idea what I could have landed on to have that happen. Even my knees feel less tender and I have not had all that much trouble walking up and down stairs, which I have to do whilst working in a three-story old building.
The bruise I expected to have on my upper chest, based on how much it hurt yesterday morning, did not manifest at all.
I have to say that I am feeling good. I feel strong and capable and can hardly wait to share the story in therapy tomorrow morning.
I called my daughter on Saturday, late afternoon, and told her about all of my adventures last week. The art show project, being asked to be in that brochure, fixing the broken brake light (without any help or a manual or anything) and then breaking into my house.
We chatted for a while and I then said that I had called for another reason, and she shrieked, oh god, what else did you do? But all I wanted was to drive up next Friday and offer to send them off for the night. We are going to do that, but before we signed off, she berated me for allowing the boys to watch a particular program. I said fine, but she would not let it go.
In the past, even the recent past, I would have left it at my apology, but not this time. She was snarky and about something that she and my son-in-law allow them to watch. I did not belabor the point, but at least I made it. If I do not begin to stand up to the stuff she says, I will lose my connection to keeping our relationship healthy, and just go off to lick my wounds because I am uncomfortable saying anything.
The truth is that any kind of similar conversation is beyond my comfort areas. I never talk back or argue, I never confront anyone much less offer a challenge. I despise drama, it frightens me. I will swallow any rude treatment, whilst backing up, both physically and metaphorically.
It is the pattern of my life, that other life, and habits are difficult to change. I would like to be more assertive, more self supporting. I would love that. I hope that I am making progress in that direction, it is just so slow going.
This is interesting, because I had no intention of writing about my daughter and the program issue. At work tonight, shortly before my shift ended, I had a conversation with one of our women about not allowing other women to speak rudely to her, to not allow them to tell her what to do, especially as concerns her children, who are very nice boys.
And, here I am, struggling with the exact same issues, nearly at the same level of dysfunction. No one is perfect. If they were, they would drive us crazy-ier. No one knows everything. We are all doing the best we can.
I saw a quote a few days ago. Stop doing what doesn't work. Why is that so hard.
steak, quick and more like brunch-time, although my first meal of the day
3 ladles of chili
I wanted to eat salad, but I was full, and I am trying to respect what hunger really is, instead of just stuffing stuff down my throat because it tastes good.
I also cooked a second, larger steak and cut it in half for two more meals or snacks.
I no longer want that mindless and careless eating.
LUNCH
a bowl of chili, kind of medium sized
I have not made chili for a long time because I have been avoiding beans. I just had to have some today, and making some means that I did not have any chance to not get around to cooking the ground beef and end up wasting it.
I brought cherries and my nut mix to work, but never got to eat any of it. I did, however, get to lick the little lid of the frosting candy I bought for the kids from the Hispanic market. Good thing it had eighteen little packets, as all the women wanted candy, too. It was very sweet, pun totally intended, because they were just darling.
DINNER
10 or so ounces of pickled vegetables and a diet ginger ale.
When I finally got home a few minutes ago, I was sort of hungry, but nothing looked appetizing except for frozen Brussels sprouts, but it is too late to start cooking anything.
So, I am off to bed.
Oh, and that nice scrape on my side goes down to my leg, something I did not notice yesterday or Friday. I have lots of bruises on my arms, but many fewer than I expected. They are all on the really small size, and I have no idea what I could have landed on to have that happen. Even my knees feel less tender and I have not had all that much trouble walking up and down stairs, which I have to do whilst working in a three-story old building.
The bruise I expected to have on my upper chest, based on how much it hurt yesterday morning, did not manifest at all.
I have to say that I am feeling good. I feel strong and capable and can hardly wait to share the story in therapy tomorrow morning.
I called my daughter on Saturday, late afternoon, and told her about all of my adventures last week. The art show project, being asked to be in that brochure, fixing the broken brake light (without any help or a manual or anything) and then breaking into my house.
We chatted for a while and I then said that I had called for another reason, and she shrieked, oh god, what else did you do? But all I wanted was to drive up next Friday and offer to send them off for the night. We are going to do that, but before we signed off, she berated me for allowing the boys to watch a particular program. I said fine, but she would not let it go.
In the past, even the recent past, I would have left it at my apology, but not this time. She was snarky and about something that she and my son-in-law allow them to watch. I did not belabor the point, but at least I made it. If I do not begin to stand up to the stuff she says, I will lose my connection to keeping our relationship healthy, and just go off to lick my wounds because I am uncomfortable saying anything.
The truth is that any kind of similar conversation is beyond my comfort areas. I never talk back or argue, I never confront anyone much less offer a challenge. I despise drama, it frightens me. I will swallow any rude treatment, whilst backing up, both physically and metaphorically.
It is the pattern of my life, that other life, and habits are difficult to change. I would like to be more assertive, more self supporting. I would love that. I hope that I am making progress in that direction, it is just so slow going.
This is interesting, because I had no intention of writing about my daughter and the program issue. At work tonight, shortly before my shift ended, I had a conversation with one of our women about not allowing other women to speak rudely to her, to not allow them to tell her what to do, especially as concerns her children, who are very nice boys.
And, here I am, struggling with the exact same issues, nearly at the same level of dysfunction. No one is perfect. If they were, they would drive us crazy-ier. No one knows everything. We are all doing the best we can.
I saw a quote a few days ago. Stop doing what doesn't work. Why is that so hard.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Day 19 - Healthier? Not so much, but I am still here
BREAKFAST
4 Hebrew National hot dogs. These are so good. No horrible ingredients and they taste very nice.
That is it. No lunch. No dinner. I forgot to take something to work, which is not a meal, just easy to eat snacks. Between clients. There were only three today. One is a regular, one other is always challenging (but really, really nice and I like him a lot), and a new person who came in with an insanely difficult problem concerning SSI documentation. We all rocked there today.
The day began with me locking my keys in the house. I knew the instant I heard the latch click.
I always keep a spare key in my bag. Always. Except for today. I looked. So, I started to walk to work and remembered that I do carry an extra car key, so I drove and was not late. Yay.
I called my landlord when that happened, but I could tell by his voice that he was super busy and told him that I would get a locksmith. I called two whilst waiting for clients. I could not understand anything the first one said, as their phone connection was horrible. The second one told me to call back when I was near the end of the day and a technician would set up a time for him to come. I did that. He said that he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could come right over. I skipped a task I needed to do today and raced home. In the car, but I did the speed limit. It seemed like racing because I was not walking.
I waited more than an hour. I must live in a really huge neighborhood. He came, introduced himself, worked on the lock for ten minutes and told me that he could not get it to open. Then, he took my last $75.00 and told me to have a nice day.
It grieved me to call my landlord again, but I did. I left a message. Then, I thought, hell, I did not do a perfect job of installing the little air conditioner in my bedroom. Yeah. I can go over there, pull it out, climb in the window and somebody's your uncle.
I forgot that this is house is not level with the ground, and whilst the windows look to be just fine inside, on the outside, the lower edge is higher than I am tall.
And, I thought, heck, I can do this. It would have been nice had I thought to break into my flat before I did commerce with the un-locksmith guy. However, it is still light and where there is a will there is a way. I could have gone all soft and just stayed overnight someplace until my landlord was available. Oh, unless the rush in his voice earlier meant that they were going away for the weekend.
Oh.
So, I went to the side of the house and tried to remove the air conditioner. Not only is a little air conditioner much heavier when it is stuck in a window over your head, than it is when you are inside your bedroom, but it leaks water on you, small gushes, but still. Worse was that I had fastened it more securely than I thought. Nice and all that if someone wants to break in, but since I was the person breaking up, the fact that I could even move it around a little was nice for me (the locked-out) it kind of freaked me out that I could move it at all.
I went to the lawyer office next door to ask if I could park my car in their driveway so that I could climb on my car to break into my flat. They were very nice and said that I could if I could do it quickly or wait until they closed the office at five.
Whilst I was waiting for them to go home, I returned to wrestle with the wee air conditioner, managed to get wet again, lose my grip and have it drop on my head and then finally heaved it up and into the room. Then, I went to wait until the lawyers left.
Car back into the driveway and perfectly positioned and I discovered that the old arthritis would not allow me to lift my leg high enough to climb up on the rear bumper. I used my porch chair and managed to step up and crawl onto the trunk. I braced myself against the house and stood up.
The gap between the trunk and the window was too great, so I eased myself up along the rear window frame, hoping that I did not pop the back windshield out. I got one knee on the window sill. I could not get my right knee up there because my bone-on-bone knee joints were not cooperating.
There I was, left knee on the sill, sort of balanced between the car and the house, still with a song in my heart and finally realized that the only way this was going to work was to abandon any notions I had about boosting my bulk onto the sill and swiveling myself into the room.
So, I did the only thing a responsible person, especially one facing the prospect of sleeping in the car, would do. I threw my upper body over the sill and into the bedroom.
I balanced there for a while, if you could call that balancing and then pushed myself forward, missing the wounded air conditioner and the red crate of art supplies I have been storing here.
Wedged between the conditioner and the crate, I tried to roll onto my side, hoping for a better fit and, well, I gave up and kept pulling myself into the room. My legs dangled for way too many minutes, but I made it. I dragged myself (knees not working) to my bed and pulled myself upright.
Now, the one question I have is, how serious is it that I smashed a bunch of those thin metal baffle strips when I crashed onto the conditioner? I hope not too badly.
And, I stood up, went to the door, opened it and retrieved my key ring from the shelf where it had been forgotten, locked and unlocked the door to make sure that the un-locksmith had not messed that up with his hammer. Yes, he used a hammer-like tool.
What with the changing of the car lights yesterday and breaking and entering my own flat, I am feeling preh T gud.
I received a call from the shelter where I lived two years ago and where I now work. One of the largest foundations in the country provides one of our biggest grants. Last year, I think, the director asked me to write my story as part of the grant application process. This year they want to use me in their new brochure(s). I am thinking about it.
Thinking will have to wait because I am eating delivery Chinese food (thank the goddess for credit cards) and waiting for Shark Tank to begin. Tomorrow morning I will be meeting my friends for coffee and next week when I have all those days off, I will be visiting a dinosaur museum and walking downtown to just sit, have a coffee and watch people.
I have the best life.
4 Hebrew National hot dogs. These are so good. No horrible ingredients and they taste very nice.
That is it. No lunch. No dinner. I forgot to take something to work, which is not a meal, just easy to eat snacks. Between clients. There were only three today. One is a regular, one other is always challenging (but really, really nice and I like him a lot), and a new person who came in with an insanely difficult problem concerning SSI documentation. We all rocked there today.
The day began with me locking my keys in the house. I knew the instant I heard the latch click.
I always keep a spare key in my bag. Always. Except for today. I looked. So, I started to walk to work and remembered that I do carry an extra car key, so I drove and was not late. Yay.
I called my landlord when that happened, but I could tell by his voice that he was super busy and told him that I would get a locksmith. I called two whilst waiting for clients. I could not understand anything the first one said, as their phone connection was horrible. The second one told me to call back when I was near the end of the day and a technician would set up a time for him to come. I did that. He said that he was in the neighborhood and asked if he could come right over. I skipped a task I needed to do today and raced home. In the car, but I did the speed limit. It seemed like racing because I was not walking.
I waited more than an hour. I must live in a really huge neighborhood. He came, introduced himself, worked on the lock for ten minutes and told me that he could not get it to open. Then, he took my last $75.00 and told me to have a nice day.
It grieved me to call my landlord again, but I did. I left a message. Then, I thought, hell, I did not do a perfect job of installing the little air conditioner in my bedroom. Yeah. I can go over there, pull it out, climb in the window and somebody's your uncle.
I forgot that this is house is not level with the ground, and whilst the windows look to be just fine inside, on the outside, the lower edge is higher than I am tall.
And, I thought, heck, I can do this. It would have been nice had I thought to break into my flat before I did commerce with the un-locksmith guy. However, it is still light and where there is a will there is a way. I could have gone all soft and just stayed overnight someplace until my landlord was available. Oh, unless the rush in his voice earlier meant that they were going away for the weekend.
Oh.
So, I went to the side of the house and tried to remove the air conditioner. Not only is a little air conditioner much heavier when it is stuck in a window over your head, than it is when you are inside your bedroom, but it leaks water on you, small gushes, but still. Worse was that I had fastened it more securely than I thought. Nice and all that if someone wants to break in, but since I was the person breaking up, the fact that I could even move it around a little was nice for me (the locked-out) it kind of freaked me out that I could move it at all.
I went to the lawyer office next door to ask if I could park my car in their driveway so that I could climb on my car to break into my flat. They were very nice and said that I could if I could do it quickly or wait until they closed the office at five.
Whilst I was waiting for them to go home, I returned to wrestle with the wee air conditioner, managed to get wet again, lose my grip and have it drop on my head and then finally heaved it up and into the room. Then, I went to wait until the lawyers left.
Car back into the driveway and perfectly positioned and I discovered that the old arthritis would not allow me to lift my leg high enough to climb up on the rear bumper. I used my porch chair and managed to step up and crawl onto the trunk. I braced myself against the house and stood up.
The gap between the trunk and the window was too great, so I eased myself up along the rear window frame, hoping that I did not pop the back windshield out. I got one knee on the window sill. I could not get my right knee up there because my bone-on-bone knee joints were not cooperating.
There I was, left knee on the sill, sort of balanced between the car and the house, still with a song in my heart and finally realized that the only way this was going to work was to abandon any notions I had about boosting my bulk onto the sill and swiveling myself into the room.
So, I did the only thing a responsible person, especially one facing the prospect of sleeping in the car, would do. I threw my upper body over the sill and into the bedroom.
I balanced there for a while, if you could call that balancing and then pushed myself forward, missing the wounded air conditioner and the red crate of art supplies I have been storing here.
Wedged between the conditioner and the crate, I tried to roll onto my side, hoping for a better fit and, well, I gave up and kept pulling myself into the room. My legs dangled for way too many minutes, but I made it. I dragged myself (knees not working) to my bed and pulled myself upright.
Now, the one question I have is, how serious is it that I smashed a bunch of those thin metal baffle strips when I crashed onto the conditioner? I hope not too badly.
And, I stood up, went to the door, opened it and retrieved my key ring from the shelf where it had been forgotten, locked and unlocked the door to make sure that the un-locksmith had not messed that up with his hammer. Yes, he used a hammer-like tool.
What with the changing of the car lights yesterday and breaking and entering my own flat, I am feeling preh T gud.
I received a call from the shelter where I lived two years ago and where I now work. One of the largest foundations in the country provides one of our biggest grants. Last year, I think, the director asked me to write my story as part of the grant application process. This year they want to use me in their new brochure(s). I am thinking about it.
Thinking will have to wait because I am eating delivery Chinese food (thank the goddess for credit cards) and waiting for Shark Tank to begin. Tomorrow morning I will be meeting my friends for coffee and next week when I have all those days off, I will be visiting a dinosaur museum and walking downtown to just sit, have a coffee and watch people.
I have the best life.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Thursday
Wednesday
BREAKFAST
Leftover steak
LUNCH
bag salad
hot dogs - It was National Hot Dog Day, and the ones I ate were meat and seasonings without any preservatives or stuff like that.
DINNER
bag-o-shaved-deli-corned beef
I had this bag of corned beef because I was going to mix it with sauerkraut, heat it up and douse with bottled thousand island dressing.
Unfortunately, I do not have a can opener. Ooopsie. So, I ate just the meat.
Thursday
BREAKFAST
sweet potato, microwaved, butter, pepper and some salt on the last bits because they did not have any butter or pepper taste.
LUNCH
4 pieces of fish sushi
some baked chicken, meat only
green beans
a handful of cubed potatoes and a whole glob of wasabi - very yummy
watermelon
coffee
soft drink
Yes, I had to eat out and went to my favorite Asian buffet. I showed great restraint and did not fill up on their amazing hot and sour soup, that is thick and chock full of seaweed, mushroom stems and bits of tofu. Instead I ate healthy choices, aside from giving into temptation for the potatoes, sushi and green beans. I ate very little, at least for me, and left barely satisfied, which satisfied my desire to eat well and minimized the fact that I chose that place to eat instead of going to a grocery store and buying a salad.
DINNER
drive-through burger and fries
In my defense, today was stressful (including a thoroughly distressing visit to my cell phone provider) I was stopped by a police officer and given a warning about replacing the driver's side brake light bulb, stopping at the auto place, buying a pack of replacement bulbs, tearing the trunk apart to get to the place where you can replace the bulbs, and discovering that you cannot do that from inside the car.
This is the car Iwas forced to take got in the divorce, that miserable piece of metal parts that has cost me a small fortune to fix all the stuff that my ex knew needed fixing and then charged me back an insane amount of compensation. I am dumb, but at that time I was incapable of standing up for myself and just let him and his family fuck the beans out of me during that entire time and on through the final decree.
The car does not have a manual and I had to figure out how to remove the entire assembly, with only a little pliers. And, I did it. It took me a half hour, but I figured it out, removed the whole light section, replaced the bulb and got it all back together. The best part is that it worked! Too cool.
So, hot and tired and relieved that I was able to figure that out, I drove through a fast food place and ate on the way home. I am sad to report that it tasted more wonderful than I could have ever imagined, and that has nothing to do with not having to cook it myself. I ate only part of the bun bottom and the fries were cold and did not have any salt on them, but, oh gosh, it was so good.
Had I not already started feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable about eating out twice today, I swear that I would have driven back and bought more fries. So good.
The thing that happened at work on Sunday, the one for which I was feeling ashamed, turned out fine. When I went to our director to share what I had done, instead of cautioning me to avoid doing anything similar in the future, she told me that making up my own rules for that circumstance is exactly what she wants me to do, what she wants all of the advocates to do, but that she does not expect that the other will take the initiative to do anything like what I did.
Wow.
I work tomorrow and Sunday and then have a whole bunch of days off. Yay.
Tomorrow is back to eating well. I plan to buy more corned beef and make that mixy-mess. On Monday I will be looking at replacing the refrigerator here. The landlord should be doing this, but is not going to and I am tired of losing food in that crappy freezer. If I find one I can afford, I will take it with me when I move, if I move.
I am also going to look for a few new pieces of clothing. I do not have any warm weather clothes, just all the stuff I wear year-round. I would like some short sleeved tops, although I suspect that I will not be willing to spend the money. Maybe I will do this. Maybe not.
I am hoping to find something social to do next week. I really would like to have a personal life, you know, doing something more than working. I am thinking to start small. Walk downtown and have a cup of coffee or lunch or something. Maybe I will just sit in the square (yes, how quaint we are here), read and watch people. Maybe someone I know will wander past. Maybe I will walk down to the beach and sit on the rocks. Maybe I will walk down the block and look at the house I would like to buy.
BREAKFAST
Leftover steak
LUNCH
bag salad
hot dogs - It was National Hot Dog Day, and the ones I ate were meat and seasonings without any preservatives or stuff like that.
DINNER
bag-o-shaved-deli-corned beef
I had this bag of corned beef because I was going to mix it with sauerkraut, heat it up and douse with bottled thousand island dressing.
Unfortunately, I do not have a can opener. Ooopsie. So, I ate just the meat.
Thursday
BREAKFAST
sweet potato, microwaved, butter, pepper and some salt on the last bits because they did not have any butter or pepper taste.
LUNCH
4 pieces of fish sushi
some baked chicken, meat only
green beans
a handful of cubed potatoes and a whole glob of wasabi - very yummy
watermelon
coffee
soft drink
Yes, I had to eat out and went to my favorite Asian buffet. I showed great restraint and did not fill up on their amazing hot and sour soup, that is thick and chock full of seaweed, mushroom stems and bits of tofu. Instead I ate healthy choices, aside from giving into temptation for the potatoes, sushi and green beans. I ate very little, at least for me, and left barely satisfied, which satisfied my desire to eat well and minimized the fact that I chose that place to eat instead of going to a grocery store and buying a salad.
DINNER
drive-through burger and fries
In my defense, today was stressful (including a thoroughly distressing visit to my cell phone provider) I was stopped by a police officer and given a warning about replacing the driver's side brake light bulb, stopping at the auto place, buying a pack of replacement bulbs, tearing the trunk apart to get to the place where you can replace the bulbs, and discovering that you cannot do that from inside the car.
This is the car I
The car does not have a manual and I had to figure out how to remove the entire assembly, with only a little pliers. And, I did it. It took me a half hour, but I figured it out, removed the whole light section, replaced the bulb and got it all back together. The best part is that it worked! Too cool.
So, hot and tired and relieved that I was able to figure that out, I drove through a fast food place and ate on the way home. I am sad to report that it tasted more wonderful than I could have ever imagined, and that has nothing to do with not having to cook it myself. I ate only part of the bun bottom and the fries were cold and did not have any salt on them, but, oh gosh, it was so good.
Had I not already started feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable about eating out twice today, I swear that I would have driven back and bought more fries. So good.
The thing that happened at work on Sunday, the one for which I was feeling ashamed, turned out fine. When I went to our director to share what I had done, instead of cautioning me to avoid doing anything similar in the future, she told me that making up my own rules for that circumstance is exactly what she wants me to do, what she wants all of the advocates to do, but that she does not expect that the other will take the initiative to do anything like what I did.
Wow.
I work tomorrow and Sunday and then have a whole bunch of days off. Yay.
Tomorrow is back to eating well. I plan to buy more corned beef and make that mixy-mess. On Monday I will be looking at replacing the refrigerator here. The landlord should be doing this, but is not going to and I am tired of losing food in that crappy freezer. If I find one I can afford, I will take it with me when I move, if I move.
I am also going to look for a few new pieces of clothing. I do not have any warm weather clothes, just all the stuff I wear year-round. I would like some short sleeved tops, although I suspect that I will not be willing to spend the money. Maybe I will do this. Maybe not.
I am hoping to find something social to do next week. I really would like to have a personal life, you know, doing something more than working. I am thinking to start small. Walk downtown and have a cup of coffee or lunch or something. Maybe I will just sit in the square (yes, how quaint we are here), read and watch people. Maybe someone I know will wander past. Maybe I will walk down to the beach and sit on the rocks. Maybe I will walk down the block and look at the house I would like to buy.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Still Tuesday, but without the S&M
BREAKFAST
salad with avocado and tomato, vinaigrette
It upset my stomach, but no more than that. Whew.
LUNCH
small taco salad, iceberg lettuce (my favorite, but not nutritious enough), a couple of black olives, some sour cream, a miniscule amount of taco-seasoned ground beef and lots of hot salsa.
amazing coffee
roll, with cinnamon butter, which tasted like there was some sugar in there, too.
DINNER
cherries
small steak, I accidentally ate a piece of the fat and it was delicious. Like, really yummy. I planned to have half of it for lunch tomorrow, but it was so good that I ate the whole thing.
Long day, which included a lunch I did not want to have. Sometimes it is easier to give in and give up. My friend simply has to eat whilst we are out. I understand all that. I seem to be her single remaining friend in this city, heck, the state.
She told me that her daughter finally shared the reason that she drove her back here two weeks ago. The family was going camping last weekend and they did not want her alone in the house. So, the logical thing was to:
- Not tell her why she had to pack and get in the car.
- Bring her back here, where she would be alone in her own house, as she always is.
I am not judging, but that is totally fucked up.
The whole family is coming to the big city south of us for a baseball game. Her daughter told her that if they have time, they will might stop by for a visit. Not all that bad, it is just that it seems like a taunt. Just saying.
Our visit to the aging agency was nice. One of the women who works there recognized my voice (I do not know exactly how to process that) because I took one of her classes a few years ago and she not only caught my voice in the hallway, but she remembered my name. She looked familiar because I can remember faces more easily than names.
The actual meeting was awkward. I suspect that the man leading it was new, as in brand new. He was nice, but he spent at least a quarter of the hour explaining every single program and resource they offer or know about. Every single one.
With the help of the woman part of the team held it all together and we managed to wrestle out the information that will help my friend, especially regarding affordable transportation for those times when she has appointments when I am working. Plus, we had that lunch beforehand. Then grocery shopping. For someone who did not need anything, I came home with a big bag of fruit and meat.
Then, when I went to bring the car around, it would not start again after we loaded all of the stuff in the trunk. I had to get all of my friend's food back into a cart and fool around until the poor thing would start. I think between the heat, 90sF, the air conditioning on high and who know what can upset a car, I must have flooded the carburetor. Or, something.
Then home for my friend and I was so exhausted from the heat that I apologized to the undone laundry, came home and immediately spent the next few minutes in the shower. Even my brain was hot. I sweated through all of my clothing, and with laundry not done, I cannot find anything light enough to wear at work tomorrow. I really do work in this tiny bat cave that does not have any air circulation. I have a small fan. Yeah.
So, work tomorrow and Friday. Then on Sunday and not again until the following Sunday.
I am going to clean and organize my flabby butt off. I have a grant to write. I need time to be able to get to the post office when it is open, well, how dumb is that...like it would help anything to go there when it is closed, but you know what I mean. I have not had even one day in the past three weeks when I was not working or volunteering during all of the post hours. Man.
I am planning on at least one day helping my friend find and interview at another agency that offers exchanges of services provided by and provided to seniors. Not what I had planned, but it has to be done and all of this is helping me to not be so afraid for her. Today she was nearly fifteen minutes late coming out of her house (she does not want me to come to the door for her) and I was going to give it the full fifteen minutes before I went to see if she had fallen and could not get up.
Bed, book, charge phones, sleep and a nice day at work when I get up. Nice. My life is really nice.
salad with avocado and tomato, vinaigrette
It upset my stomach, but no more than that. Whew.
LUNCH
small taco salad, iceberg lettuce (my favorite, but not nutritious enough), a couple of black olives, some sour cream, a miniscule amount of taco-seasoned ground beef and lots of hot salsa.
amazing coffee
roll, with cinnamon butter, which tasted like there was some sugar in there, too.
DINNER
cherries
small steak, I accidentally ate a piece of the fat and it was delicious. Like, really yummy. I planned to have half of it for lunch tomorrow, but it was so good that I ate the whole thing.
Long day, which included a lunch I did not want to have. Sometimes it is easier to give in and give up. My friend simply has to eat whilst we are out. I understand all that. I seem to be her single remaining friend in this city, heck, the state.
She told me that her daughter finally shared the reason that she drove her back here two weeks ago. The family was going camping last weekend and they did not want her alone in the house. So, the logical thing was to:
- Not tell her why she had to pack and get in the car.
- Bring her back here, where she would be alone in her own house, as she always is.
I am not judging, but that is totally fucked up.
The whole family is coming to the big city south of us for a baseball game. Her daughter told her that if they have time, they will might stop by for a visit. Not all that bad, it is just that it seems like a taunt. Just saying.
Our visit to the aging agency was nice. One of the women who works there recognized my voice (I do not know exactly how to process that) because I took one of her classes a few years ago and she not only caught my voice in the hallway, but she remembered my name. She looked familiar because I can remember faces more easily than names.
The actual meeting was awkward. I suspect that the man leading it was new, as in brand new. He was nice, but he spent at least a quarter of the hour explaining every single program and resource they offer or know about. Every single one.
With the help of the woman part of the team held it all together and we managed to wrestle out the information that will help my friend, especially regarding affordable transportation for those times when she has appointments when I am working. Plus, we had that lunch beforehand. Then grocery shopping. For someone who did not need anything, I came home with a big bag of fruit and meat.
Then, when I went to bring the car around, it would not start again after we loaded all of the stuff in the trunk. I had to get all of my friend's food back into a cart and fool around until the poor thing would start. I think between the heat, 90sF, the air conditioning on high and who know what can upset a car, I must have flooded the carburetor. Or, something.
Then home for my friend and I was so exhausted from the heat that I apologized to the undone laundry, came home and immediately spent the next few minutes in the shower. Even my brain was hot. I sweated through all of my clothing, and with laundry not done, I cannot find anything light enough to wear at work tomorrow. I really do work in this tiny bat cave that does not have any air circulation. I have a small fan. Yeah.
So, work tomorrow and Friday. Then on Sunday and not again until the following Sunday.
I am going to clean and organize my flabby butt off. I have a grant to write. I need time to be able to get to the post office when it is open, well, how dumb is that...like it would help anything to go there when it is closed, but you know what I mean. I have not had even one day in the past three weeks when I was not working or volunteering during all of the post hours. Man.
I am planning on at least one day helping my friend find and interview at another agency that offers exchanges of services provided by and provided to seniors. Not what I had planned, but it has to be done and all of this is helping me to not be so afraid for her. Today she was nearly fifteen minutes late coming out of her house (she does not want me to come to the door for her) and I was going to give it the full fifteen minutes before I went to see if she had fallen and could not get up.
Bed, book, charge phones, sleep and a nice day at work when I get up. Nice. My life is really nice.
S, M and Tuesday
Sunday was a mess.
BREAKFAST
leftover steak
LUNCH
1/4 cup of the leftover guacamole
celery
SNACK
big cup of homemade nut mix
DINNER
nothing; I was too tired when I got home at 11:30 p.m. and went straight to bed.
Monday
BREAKFAST
nothing; chose sleep instead
LUNCH
grilled American and mozzarella cheese, tomato and bacon, on marbled rye sandwich
small order of sweet potato fries
catsup
6 jalapeno poppers; I tore the cream cheese tops off and plucked the pepper halves from the breading, and then ate one of the torn-off cheese and breading pieces, too.
Between therapy and the art class, I returned a phone call from my doctor's office. It was the results of my tests last week. The results are not good. I have to experiment with some stupid statin drug. I have never, ever, ever had a single blip on my cholesterol levels. My blood glucose results are really bad. Something else was not great, but I cannot remember what it is. They think I have celiac disease and I am going to allow that test when I go back in October to test again for how the statin med is working.
Granted, it is barely three weeks since I started eating better, although when thinking about the testing results, nothing I have been doing could have even a potential effect on any of the problem areas.
So, in true J form, I mood altered with lunch. Frankly, there is only an Eastern European and a sports themed restaurants within walking distance, and the sports place was the easy choice. I ordered the sandwich and then, with hardly a pause, added the fries and poppers, which I intended to share when I walked back, but my lunch companions did not want any. Yummy, but bad for me, big-picture wise.
DINNER
half of a steak
cherries
melon
Bummed out from the phone call and stupid lunch, I stopped at the discount market to get vegetables and they had t-bone steak on sale for $4.00 a pound. I bought two, came home and cooked them. They are like mush, and do not taste all that great. They are in the refrigerator and I will probably chop them up and toss in a pan with vegetables, may make a curry.
Looking back, I had barely one meal on Sunday and hardly more on Monday.
Today I had a salad with tomato and avocado and I feel tummy-troubled, but that might be because I am upset about this whole food mess. Someone at one of my jobs keeps trying to convince me to get one of the bullet machines and chop stuff into a smoothie. I would probably use it a couple of times, and unless I gave it away, it would sit around somewhere, just mocking me in its expensive and pompous manner until I gave it away. Sounds like an exercise in heartbreak and regret to me.
I wanted to laze around today. Instead I am taking my older friend to lunch and then to a meeting with an aging specialist to plan some being safe classes and find other resources that might allow her to stay in her home. We will stop for groceries on the way home and then I have to get to the laundromat. Clean bedding is calling my name.
I just got off the phone with her and we have to do something. The we is her and me. I am simply the person who takes her where she wants to go, but this morning's telephone conversation reminded me that I am her only social contact in this city. All of her friends have moved away or are dead. The sweet desperation in her voice when trying to keep me on the phone is something that I would like to see turned around. My preference is that she would have to end her conversations with me because she had other things to do. I am tired.
BREAKFAST
leftover steak
LUNCH
1/4 cup of the leftover guacamole
celery
SNACK
big cup of homemade nut mix
DINNER
nothing; I was too tired when I got home at 11:30 p.m. and went straight to bed.
Monday
BREAKFAST
nothing; chose sleep instead
LUNCH
grilled American and mozzarella cheese, tomato and bacon, on marbled rye sandwich
small order of sweet potato fries
catsup
6 jalapeno poppers; I tore the cream cheese tops off and plucked the pepper halves from the breading, and then ate one of the torn-off cheese and breading pieces, too.
Between therapy and the art class, I returned a phone call from my doctor's office. It was the results of my tests last week. The results are not good. I have to experiment with some stupid statin drug. I have never, ever, ever had a single blip on my cholesterol levels. My blood glucose results are really bad. Something else was not great, but I cannot remember what it is. They think I have celiac disease and I am going to allow that test when I go back in October to test again for how the statin med is working.
Granted, it is barely three weeks since I started eating better, although when thinking about the testing results, nothing I have been doing could have even a potential effect on any of the problem areas.
So, in true J form, I mood altered with lunch. Frankly, there is only an Eastern European and a sports themed restaurants within walking distance, and the sports place was the easy choice. I ordered the sandwich and then, with hardly a pause, added the fries and poppers, which I intended to share when I walked back, but my lunch companions did not want any. Yummy, but bad for me, big-picture wise.
DINNER
half of a steak
cherries
melon
Bummed out from the phone call and stupid lunch, I stopped at the discount market to get vegetables and they had t-bone steak on sale for $4.00 a pound. I bought two, came home and cooked them. They are like mush, and do not taste all that great. They are in the refrigerator and I will probably chop them up and toss in a pan with vegetables, may make a curry.
Looking back, I had barely one meal on Sunday and hardly more on Monday.
Today I had a salad with tomato and avocado and I feel tummy-troubled, but that might be because I am upset about this whole food mess. Someone at one of my jobs keeps trying to convince me to get one of the bullet machines and chop stuff into a smoothie. I would probably use it a couple of times, and unless I gave it away, it would sit around somewhere, just mocking me in its expensive and pompous manner until I gave it away. Sounds like an exercise in heartbreak and regret to me.
I wanted to laze around today. Instead I am taking my older friend to lunch and then to a meeting with an aging specialist to plan some being safe classes and find other resources that might allow her to stay in her home. We will stop for groceries on the way home and then I have to get to the laundromat. Clean bedding is calling my name.
I just got off the phone with her and we have to do something. The we is her and me. I am simply the person who takes her where she wants to go, but this morning's telephone conversation reminded me that I am her only social contact in this city. All of her friends have moved away or are dead. The sweet desperation in her voice when trying to keep me on the phone is something that I would like to see turned around. My preference is that she would have to end her conversations with me because she had other things to do. I am tired.
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