raw

Today I made a formal introduction of sushi to my daughter.  She has seen me eat the stuff many times, and knows that it is my personal eating-out-treat.

So, I was surprised when she invited me to lunch today at a Japanese restaurant.  She thought it was a brand-new place because our village had copies of their takeout menu mailed.  Since she is finished with finals for a while, she is taking the first few days to relax and it is kind of cool that she thought of me as a relaxing time.  Not always a daily experience for many mothers and daughters, especially the two of us, mostly because she still does know the history of why I left her father.  True, he was not much of a parent to or for her, but surely knows that there is a huge back story to this whole mess.

Whatever.  It really does not matter because I will never tell her all, or any, of that stuff.  I am feeling as though healing is gaining on me.  There have been several times in the past few months when I have found myself doing something that previously wary, or not doing something that used to be propelled by fear.  Well, except for tonight.  A particular car was behind me for the half-hour drive home from errands.  Still trailing me as I approached my driveway, I kept moving and circled around in a neighborhood near to me.  I lost that car, but probably because his path was mine until it was not any more.  It was a pretty tender, one might say raw, experience and it surprised me, both that I noticed that car and that I felt threatened and vulnerable in a way that I have not for a very long time.

It is fascinating how things fit together, or at least seem to.  Another whatever.

So, the restaurant has terrible service.  We waited a long time in a nearly empty place and when our food finally came, I had to request utensils.  Twice.  Not a big deal, and the staff folk were sweet, nice and helpful to my daughter, as this was her first experience with this kind of food.

Anyway, we had bento boxes with a nice variety of rolls and some really yummy scallops.  I ordered an eel roll and let my daughter choose another.  The eel and her salmon were fresh and had a lovely mouth feel, which is just as important to sushi as flavor of the fish and the other components blending properly.  I ate all but one piece of those two rolls and saved my California roll for her to take home because she really liked that one.  It was also her first taste of miso soup, which she liked, but declined to have me show her how to make.

So, and anyway, it is a pleasure to write about something so ordinary, a day so lacking in bad stuff, momentary driving fright aside.  

And, now I have a sushi companion.  Pretty darn nice, this life.

time slugs on

It really is the week before the winter holidays for us.  Yule for me and my daughter and Christmas for my daughter and son-in-love, grandsons and all of their family.

I had a huge surge of energy and made tons and tons of ornaments and little gifts, scattered to the winds of friendship and have completely ground down to doing nothing.  I have yet to make gifts for my coffee friends, and since Saturday is the last time I could see them for weeks and weeks, that give me only what remains of this afternoon and Friday to get them finished.  Or, started.  I have all the stuff.  I even have some desire to make them, but enthusiasm has exited the building.

It is my turn to choose where to meet on Saturday and I do not want to go.  At all.  I e-mailed the group and asked one of them to choose a place to meet and that I will be there if I can.  I am such a blob of something.

I am not a brooding person, at least like the dreamer I was in that other life, but there is so much going on this time of year, with the holidays and the coming of the new year that it is nearly impossible to avoid thinking about all sorts of life stuff.

This week was my daughter's final final for this term.  All she has been doing is studying and working and now has a chance to catch her breath during the month between terms.  I am hoping that she takes some time for herself, at least when the boys are in school.  Maybe she will let me take her out for lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant.  I wish that any of us had enough money to send her and my son-in-love out for a weekend away, maybe even to a nice hotel in the city.  You know, I think I could handle that.  I have been saving money for nothing in particular other than I like to save, and I could use that.


Ah, too much thinking.  I am so broody I could lay an egg.  Oh.

heat

It is December 10th and the expected high temperature is going to be 60F, with a slight chance for rain.

Since that is twice the temperature of freezing, I think that it would be lovely if instead of the usual December snow, that we had December fog, or better yet, December steam.  Guess we need more than 60F, though.  Probably for the best.

letting go

I have let a whole bunch of things go recently.

Today it was my second cell phone, the cheap one that I kept as a safe phone for my clients and for use by those with whom I worked at the homeless and DV shelters.  It can still be used for dialing 911 for emergency help, so I will keep the battery charged in case someone at the food pantry or homeless program places need a phone for just that purpose.  The nice thing about this particular phone is that it can be reactivated at any time by buying one of those pre-paid cards for this company.

The thing was that the only reason I kept it was to be available when I returned to my old city every few months to do the program stuff I did when I lived there.  No reason to carry the cost of buying minutes to keep it activated.

It was odd.  For two days I looked at the minutes remaining, only fifteen+, and all the time I was thinking that it was time.  That phone took me through my own shelter living, being homeless and all that jazz.  It is properly the time to allow those months to become a more fully released part of my past.

I know it is the right time, and that I will have to contact the clients who still check in for help, and give them my current phone number.  They are still important to me, but all the rest of it, what lives in the past belongs and deserves to stay in the past.  More healing and it feel pretty damn nice.

I released a lot of my frugalness into the Universe.  It is no longer appropriate for me to live as though I am completely without resources, not anymore.  I still do not have a lot of money, as what some/most people might think of as enough money, but it is enough for me, and I splurged on a few holiday items that the thought of buying would have sent me cringing and gnashing my teeth...poor teeth.  One thing is that I went to the dentist and got a good cleaning, something I usually do myself, as I have some nice, used dental tools.  I must be doing a decent job at it because both the dentist and the hygienist commented on how healthy my mouth is and how good my dental hygiene is.

Because I have been taking such care of my teeth, I was able to cancel the extra dental insurance I have been carrying since I retired.  The cost of two cleanings is less than the yearly premiums, so yay!

In the same spirit I cancelled the extra vision care.  I found a decent, although insanely expensive ophthalmologist so that I could get a good post-surgery and diabetes check up, as well as new prescription eyeglasses.  My vision has not changed and I will not need the insurance to buy new glasses for a long time.

Dropping those two extra insurance premiums might seem as though a quite frugal decision, but having them gave me a nice sense of security when that feeling was mostly lacking in my life.  But, you know, in the past/stay in the past.

A really sad thing is that I left a group of wonderful women with whom I have built some nice relationships over the years.  That was a place where I felt safe in a way that my in-real-life did not often afford me.  The leader of the group must not like me because she has made several comments to me that are dismissive of who I am, where I live and the character faults she believes that I have.  Leaving that group was so painful.  Still is.  But, I do not, did not deserve the pretend niceness and snarky words from her. 

I guess it is time to pull up those big girl panties and just get on with the new stuff in this life.

I am still volunteering at the food pantry/thrift shop, and loving it more all the time.  The truth is that I am kind of an odd person and it takes a moment or two for people to like me sometimes.  This bunch does, for the most part and I even...and I cannot believe that I did this...went to their Christmas party on Sunday afternoon.  Free wine and wonderful food, cupcakes, and the governing board gave each of us a gift certificate to be used at the shop. 

You know, working there is an alchemy of blessing and curse.  As a sorter and taker-in of donations, I get to see all that stuff on the days I work there.  All I can say is thank goodness that I do not work there every day.  We cannot buy stuff until it has been on the sales floor for a couple of days, but that does not help curb my infatuation with old linens.  Lordy.  I also bought myself a great winter coat (with soft and warm lining) and a bunch of weird bits and bobs of potential crafting materials which I am using to make my version of Victorian beaded and embellished tree ornaments.  I am loving the process so much and it is encouraging me to use a lot of the stuff I have been collecting and saving, as well.

My health has improved under the care of the doctor I found when I moved to this village.  Every ridiculous health issue that had horrible results has been brought to normal levels, as evidenced by my most recent test results.  I still have an immune or endocrine system issue that remains undiagnosed, but I am happy that all my hard work is finally showing benefits. 

I went along on a day trip hosted by the village's senior citizen center and had fun.  I was hoping to connect with some potential friends, but I think I have to do more with them if that is going to show any promise.  They have a noon meal program and I would like to go to that, but I keep forgetting to call the day prior and make a reservation.  Maybe I will be  able to remember to do that tomorrow for Friday's lunch.

What else.  I see the boys often and even though I no longer live more than an hour away they still ask me to sleep over.  I can leave their house and be in my own, sweet bed in a couple of minutes, but I will say yes one of these weeks.

Healing and recovery from that other life is still happening, a bit more easily than in the beginning.  It took more than forty years in that marriage to make me ill (and more than a little bit crazier than I already am), but I still feel impatience at how slowly all of this is taking.  I keep repeating to myself that everything in its time, and I fully embrace that, it is just that my leaps and bounds towards health in mind and soul are steady, but so small sometimes. 

There are days when I can feel that I am a different person.  Hopefully improved, but there remains that old uncertainty and reluctance to believe that I deserve this new life.

And, you know, perhaps I do not deserve it, but, by gosh, I have earned it.  I earned the right to have this wonderful life, a life beyond my most dear and tender dreams, with every horrible thing that I have survived. 

My life is richer for all of those experiences and I know with complete certainty that it was necessary for me to be living and manifesting the life I now have.  The work I do now. 

Someone famous said something about how sad it would be to die without finding and living the life/work/whatever you were intended to have in your life.  To have never found our particular path.  I heard it on a television drama and they named the person who said that, which I have totally forgotten, but I was struck with how sad that really would be, and I was immediately grateful for all those years of experiencing and grasping at life, surviving all the worse days and nights and being able to use all of that to let my life take me where I am intended to go and to the work that is what I am supposed to be doing. 

Life is pretty nice.  Tonight I have lots to show that. 

All the fixings to make a few pounds of fudge, some dark chocolate covered cherries, the ones that are all liquidy inside.  Two darling polar bear cubs to give my grandsons on my way home today. 

I knew that the little one would love it more than anything, although I bought one for each monkey boy.  I saw them in a Xmas shop whilst on that senior citizen trip, but did not have enough money along to buy them for the boys.  I found a shop a few towns away that special ordered them for me.

A bunch of plastic bins and buckets from the dollar store to help organize my tiny closet and wardrobe.

It is just so lovely, so miraculous and blessed that small things are bringing me such joy every single day.

wednesday is a great day for telephoning

I had several phone calls to make, ones that I always try to delay as long as possible.

The call waiting times are painful and by the time you reach a person, she/he has been waiting for a break, like forever, and the pain shifts to another level.

Today I called my insurance company twice.

I called the dental plan folk.

I called the vision folk twice, because I got disconnected.  Once.

Only one of the calls gifted me with a cranky break-waiter-probably have starved to death agent.  I pursued her calm center until she finally broke and set her crankiness aside. 

Along with that call, the others did have nice people on the receiving end and I was able to get through several steps of voice mail information to folk who knew their stuff and were able to answer my queries.

Plus, I had to talk to the people downstairs.  Sounds like a horror flick, and it mostly is just that scary.  I took the easy way and waited until the woman had left for work, as she is easily the most selfish part of that couple.  I swear, when she is drunk she is a bully and when she is sober she becomes super-bully.  I swear.  The man is nice when sober, so I pulled up my big girl panties and knocked on their door after I walked home from the dentist.

I digress, but being able to walk to the dentist is one of the nicer things about living in a relatively small village.  One of the not-so-nice things is that they do not have any dollar stores.  Alas.

So, anyway, the man and I talked about snow removal this coming season and I told him to let me know if there were any problems with the sidewalks...my part of the job...because I was not going to be able to shovel much, if at all, and have hired someone to come over and plow the snow away each time it snows.  Which, I guess, is the only time I would need him.

Then, the man said that he would do the whole thing, that he should have offered to do it when I first moved here.  He has a snow blower and uses it on a space not quite equal to what I shovel.  I told him that I would pay him the cost of having the plow guy do the work and he declined, but I convinced him that it was important for me to pay my way.

Now I just have to cancel the plow guy.

The second thing, and the one I most especially did not want to talk about with his wife, is that I need to use my half of the storage space in the basement.  Again, no problems with him.

All in all, except for my blood sugar dipping too low, it has been a nice day.

Nice.

to sleep

perchance to dream.

Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture. 

I lost my sleep, and this is the greatest tragedy that can befall someone. It is much worse than sitting in prison.

The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.

I could go on and on and on because I cannot sleep.  Triggered when the downstairs folk have time for their two to four hours alcohol induced fights, knock-downs and generally sloppy arguments.

Their most recent performance was a bit more than three weeks ago.  I finally, after nearly a year of living here, found the courage and/or stupidity to go down there and ask them to be quiet, which did not turn out so well for me, and of which I think I have already shared.  Even if I have not, it is not worth the ink to type it.

I have tried everything.  Meditation, herbs and chamomile tea, over-the-counter pills and tablets.  I have stayed up all night, and then forced tons of caffeine beverages to stay up until a my usual bedtime.  I do stay awake all those thirty hours or so and then keep sleeping until mid-afternoon the next day.  Today I slept until after 5:00 p.m.

I see my internist next week and will ask for help, but between my back and lack of sleep, well, to be honest (which I always am anyway, but sleep deprivation is making me defensive) I am quite the mess.  I look it, too.

And, it should not be all that problematic, being retired and all.  Still, I would love to be awake for whole days in a row, a very long row.  And, I have to work this out because the trigger to this is not going anywhere, and neither am I.  Finances are keeping me here.  Our landlord does not want to be bothered and told me to just call the police every time this happens.  In his defense, he is sympathetic and has spoken to them several times about this, but neither of us wants to turn this in to actual trouble.

And, the first time I call the police, it is pretty much over.

In between the bouts, there exists a kind of détente that I would not like to disturb.  All I want to do is sleep.

 

 I am, however, reading an insane amount of books.  

Shakespeare

Emil Cioran 

Emil Cioran 

Poppy Z. Brite

promotions

I have hung onto my smarter-than-me phone for a few years.  When I stopped being without any resources, getting that phone was one of the second layer of things I brought into my life.

It was inexpensive when I got the phone, but I soon found out that the phone company agent lied to me about contracts and fees and options, particularly those that would have been a better choice for someone like me.  I am not a gamer, nor do I watch videos/fillums on my phone.  I just needed a simple phone with some data options so that I could look up information for my clients when I was working with them outside of my office/batcave.

Thus began the courting dance of promotions that the phone company offered every time they raised my fees to a point where I could no longer afford to have the phone.

I was wooed each year when the most current promotion ended.  Each new promotion was a few dollars more than the previous one, and I kept on using that phone and company because it was easier to just pay five dollars more each time.  Even thinking about finding a new provider was more work and stress than I could handle.  Still cannot handle.

So, anyway, yesterday I received a letter that the promotion I had was ending in a few days...yikes...and I should call to talk to them.  I did that, and, as usual, the monthly fees were going up and the amount of data was decreasing.  Factor in that the woman on the phone was no all that nice, and true to past experiences I was soon reduced to tears.  I know that she and all of the rest of their agents are simply doing their jobs, and it certainly is not a great process or result to bully their customers into feeling stupid and disloyal by not immediately jumping for joy and saying, "Oh, goody, thank you so much for pricing this phone out of my budget."

This afternoon I just lost it, control and any chance to not fall apart.  I asked to just leave everything as it was and asked if I could call back.  I managed myself back into calmness and tear-free moments and went to my computer to look for a new phone provider.  There was not any way that I could afford the new promotion fees without cutting something from my budget, but the maze of companies and plans is mind-numbingly complicated.

I opened several tabs so that I could try to compare companies and plans.  All that fine print makes the process more difficult than it seems it should be, but I guess the companies have their reasons for that.  I nearly gave up and called my provider back to just cancel the phone immediately and pay their termination fee, which came as a surprise because I did not realize a year ago that I contracted for two years with their company. 

Shows what an incompetent consumer I am.  Hell, I try my best, but there you are.  There I was.

I finally called them back and the new person with whom I spoke offered to waive part of the termination fee if I took a pre-paid plan.  Well, the monthly cost is fifteen dollars less than going with the new promotion, has exactly the same plan benefits as the other plan and I have some breathing space to really research and find a cell phone provider and plan that costs even less.

I am not particularly dumb, at least about things like this, technology and stuff, but if one is already feeling vulnerable and at risk, trying to make the best decision under that kind of personal duress is just plain, too difficult.  I am sure that I am not the only person who struggles with these sorts of choices.  Yay and good for all of us who wrestle with making the best financial choices we can.

Making any kind of choices can be challenging for folk like me.  I have come so far in healing and recovery from that other life, but I still stumble over stuff like this once in a while.  Now that it is over, for the time being, I am feeling better and maybe a bit stronger or something.

Every day is a new beginning for me.  A new day when I never know what might pop up to move me away from stability and peace of mind.  Whatever.

New information about how to handle things like this and a phone that I can continue to use.  Not bad for a crappy day.