Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
frustration
We all have it. I sympathize. Gonna complain about mine.
The utility costs here are outrageous. I should have know that when heat was not included in the rent fee. My warm weather bills were for the non-use monthly charge for gas, but mostly for electricity. Even using two window air conditioners it was low during those months. My first winter bill was $70.00, an amount that my landlord assured me was what I should expect.
Shortly afterwards I had a conversation with the upstairs tenant, which she initiated. She told me to expect gas bills of $300.00 during the winter. That the insulation was crappy and her flat was impossible to heat, so she turned her furnace off and used a small space heater in her bedroom.
Alarmed? Vast understatement.
So, when next I saw my landlord, I mentioned it to him and he denied that any such thing could happen.
So, I contacted the public utility company and asked for information about the previous winter's bills. They would not help me because I am not the person who paid those bills. I explained that this was a rental unit and I was trying to plan for those expenses and they insisted that only the person who lived here then and paid those bills could have access to that information. Even the landlord would not be able to get any of that information. I asked if general information could be shared, like maybe the highest and lowest bills for the past year or something. Anything. The person with whom I was speaking said that she could do that, and the range was from $68.00 to $215.00.
Woof?
I called all over the place to find someone, someplace, that could do an energy audit. I am not the owner of the building, but a couple of the places said that they could do the audit if I paid for it and obtained written permission from the landlord. The least expensive option was $500.00, and would have to include the entire building. I was pretty sure that I could get permission from the other two tenants to do this because it would benefit them and I would be paying the bill. That went nowhere because there was no landlord permission.
Curious.
So, I determined that I would be as careful about using these resources as possible. I immediately turned the thermostat down to 55F and bought a tiny heater to warm up the bathroom for showers.
Feeling confident.
The next bill was $166.00. Sure, it was pretty cold, but the heat in here never got over 55-freaking-degrees. I stopped using the heater for showers. I started wearing two pairs of socks, a second t-shirt, my robe, slippers, gloves and a blanket around my shoulders. I raised the thermostat twice, to 59F, when the boys were here. They complained about how cold it was.
When the old thermostat went all kablooey, I mentioned the bills to my landlord when he was here. He told me he used good insulation and new windows and on and on. I did not query him about any of that, he just shared on his own. He told me that he keeps the thermostat at his house set to 58F and that he bought an infrared heater that keeps the place (close to 2000 sq. ft) warm and that his furnace hardly ever goes on. He suggested that I get one and that it would work beautifully because my flat is only 1000 sq. ft.
I bought one on the weekend, $75.00 on sale. I turned the thermostat to 52F, ran it during waking hours, only when I was home, not at night. I used only an up-light at night so that it was not totally dark, which is not a great hardship because it still makes me feel too vulnerable to have lamps on at night anyway.
The heater did a great job, maintaining a generous and comfortable 57F-59F temperature. It was bliss.
So, the new utility bill arrived last week. For using the heater for only a week and a half of the last billing cycle, the bill increased by $3.00.
??????????
So, thermostat still set at 52F. The furnace cycles on during the night, but there is nothing I can do about that. Both the kitchen and bathroom (no heating vents anyway) are on an outside wall and I cannot have them freeze, so I cannot go lower on the temp. Really cannot do that anyway. I am managing, but CoolCat is, well, he has all that lovely fur, but it really is too cold for either of us. I just want to cry. I would, but I no longer know how to do that.
This place is drafty and there is not any way to economically weatherproof it myself. It meets all of the housing regulations and standards, so no help there.
The frustration comes from living in the cold and the dark whilst my ex lives in luxury, gobbling up the investment he was court-ordered to divide with me. I have an excellent attorney. Unfortunately, there is no enforcement of these kinds of court orders unless one has money to make filings with the court, and the most recent copies of stuff from the ex show that a third of the investments are already gone somewhere. Just to pay the bills I have had to use more than half of my share of the proceeds of the house sale. I have been ill, CoolCat has had health needs, the stupid car required expensive repairs, new tires and insurance, and gas prices are insane. I use it only to get groceries and use the laundromat, to go mentor and to go to my volunteer gig when it is unsafe to walk, but as soon as the weather improves I am getting rid of it.
I can do all of this. I am surviving. I am just a person who is ungrateful for what I do have, which is my life, CoolCat, enough food, all that jazz. That all of this seems so unfair is only because I sometimes forget how truly lucky and fortunate I am. Damn, I work with people who would give anything to have what I have. Hell, I see even more of them walking around downtown.
I have nothing to complain about, and yet, here I am. Big girl pantie pulling time. I suck.
The utility costs here are outrageous. I should have know that when heat was not included in the rent fee. My warm weather bills were for the non-use monthly charge for gas, but mostly for electricity. Even using two window air conditioners it was low during those months. My first winter bill was $70.00, an amount that my landlord assured me was what I should expect.
Shortly afterwards I had a conversation with the upstairs tenant, which she initiated. She told me to expect gas bills of $300.00 during the winter. That the insulation was crappy and her flat was impossible to heat, so she turned her furnace off and used a small space heater in her bedroom.
Alarmed? Vast understatement.
So, when next I saw my landlord, I mentioned it to him and he denied that any such thing could happen.
So, I contacted the public utility company and asked for information about the previous winter's bills. They would not help me because I am not the person who paid those bills. I explained that this was a rental unit and I was trying to plan for those expenses and they insisted that only the person who lived here then and paid those bills could have access to that information. Even the landlord would not be able to get any of that information. I asked if general information could be shared, like maybe the highest and lowest bills for the past year or something. Anything. The person with whom I was speaking said that she could do that, and the range was from $68.00 to $215.00.
Woof?
I called all over the place to find someone, someplace, that could do an energy audit. I am not the owner of the building, but a couple of the places said that they could do the audit if I paid for it and obtained written permission from the landlord. The least expensive option was $500.00, and would have to include the entire building. I was pretty sure that I could get permission from the other two tenants to do this because it would benefit them and I would be paying the bill. That went nowhere because there was no landlord permission.
Curious.
So, I determined that I would be as careful about using these resources as possible. I immediately turned the thermostat down to 55F and bought a tiny heater to warm up the bathroom for showers.
Feeling confident.
The next bill was $166.00. Sure, it was pretty cold, but the heat in here never got over 55-freaking-degrees. I stopped using the heater for showers. I started wearing two pairs of socks, a second t-shirt, my robe, slippers, gloves and a blanket around my shoulders. I raised the thermostat twice, to 59F, when the boys were here. They complained about how cold it was.
When the old thermostat went all kablooey, I mentioned the bills to my landlord when he was here. He told me he used good insulation and new windows and on and on. I did not query him about any of that, he just shared on his own. He told me that he keeps the thermostat at his house set to 58F and that he bought an infrared heater that keeps the place (close to 2000 sq. ft) warm and that his furnace hardly ever goes on. He suggested that I get one and that it would work beautifully because my flat is only 1000 sq. ft.
I bought one on the weekend, $75.00 on sale. I turned the thermostat to 52F, ran it during waking hours, only when I was home, not at night. I used only an up-light at night so that it was not totally dark, which is not a great hardship because it still makes me feel too vulnerable to have lamps on at night anyway.
The heater did a great job, maintaining a generous and comfortable 57F-59F temperature. It was bliss.
So, the new utility bill arrived last week. For using the heater for only a week and a half of the last billing cycle, the bill increased by $3.00.
??????????
So, thermostat still set at 52F. The furnace cycles on during the night, but there is nothing I can do about that. Both the kitchen and bathroom (no heating vents anyway) are on an outside wall and I cannot have them freeze, so I cannot go lower on the temp. Really cannot do that anyway. I am managing, but CoolCat is, well, he has all that lovely fur, but it really is too cold for either of us. I just want to cry. I would, but I no longer know how to do that.
This place is drafty and there is not any way to economically weatherproof it myself. It meets all of the housing regulations and standards, so no help there.
The frustration comes from living in the cold and the dark whilst my ex lives in luxury, gobbling up the investment he was court-ordered to divide with me. I have an excellent attorney. Unfortunately, there is no enforcement of these kinds of court orders unless one has money to make filings with the court, and the most recent copies of stuff from the ex show that a third of the investments are already gone somewhere. Just to pay the bills I have had to use more than half of my share of the proceeds of the house sale. I have been ill, CoolCat has had health needs, the stupid car required expensive repairs, new tires and insurance, and gas prices are insane. I use it only to get groceries and use the laundromat, to go mentor and to go to my volunteer gig when it is unsafe to walk, but as soon as the weather improves I am getting rid of it.
I can do all of this. I am surviving. I am just a person who is ungrateful for what I do have, which is my life, CoolCat, enough food, all that jazz. That all of this seems so unfair is only because I sometimes forget how truly lucky and fortunate I am. Damn, I work with people who would give anything to have what I have. Hell, I see even more of them walking around downtown.
I have nothing to complain about, and yet, here I am. Big girl pantie pulling time. I suck.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
unpacking
I am still deciding if I will do that here. The recent utility bill changed all of my weekend plans to finally start taking stuff out of boxes and creating order and relative permanence here.
So, I am cleaning and looking for stuff to divest from some of those boxes. There are not a lot of them, and I could completely do everything in a couple of days, which was supposed to be yesterday and today. The disorder is uncomfortable. And, yet, here I sit, checking the upcoming weather.
And, I had to come to the computer anyway because the new thermostat was never programmed and I think that might be causing the furnace to go on more often. That and the new heater might be part of the heating problems here. Once here I noticed that my documents are a mess, with lots of them not even in folders.
Ah, not exactly unpacking, but cleaning never the less. I found some jokes I had been collecting and am putting them here because some of them made me chuckle, but also because it is a way to waste time and not do anything useful.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Smells like carrots."
Two atoms are walking down the street and one says "Stop! I lost an electron."
The other atom ask, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
Who's a bee's favorite singer?
Sting.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the appendectomy?
"That's enough out of you."
How many people are there in Rio?
At least a Brazilian.
What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Reptiles
What do you call donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away
Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
Who wears a black mask and always smells great?
The Cologne Ranger.
What did the clock say to the watch?
Tock to you later.
Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Take a cod, any cod.
Why don't you ever see chickens in the zoo?
Because they can't afford the admission.
Why are pirates so popular?
They just arrrr.
What knight has extra goods to sell?
Sir Plus
What does the gorilla call his girlfriend?
His prime mate.
What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A pinch hitter.
What do you call a stolen sausage?
A missing link.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
Claw enforcement.
Why did the watch stop?
It was running fast all week.
How are a tornado and an redneck divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Are there blood banks in England?
I don't know. But there's a liver pool.
How do alligators make phone calls?
They croco-dial!
When you swim in a creek,
And an eel bites your cheek,
That's a moray.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Not a joke, but it is something I wanted to remember and putting it here means that one more document goes to the trash.
The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
So, I am cleaning and looking for stuff to divest from some of those boxes. There are not a lot of them, and I could completely do everything in a couple of days, which was supposed to be yesterday and today. The disorder is uncomfortable. And, yet, here I sit, checking the upcoming weather.
And, I had to come to the computer anyway because the new thermostat was never programmed and I think that might be causing the furnace to go on more often. That and the new heater might be part of the heating problems here. Once here I noticed that my documents are a mess, with lots of them not even in folders.
Ah, not exactly unpacking, but cleaning never the less. I found some jokes I had been collecting and am putting them here because some of them made me chuckle, but also because it is a way to waste time and not do anything useful.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Smells like carrots."
Two atoms are walking down the street and one says "Stop! I lost an electron."
The other atom ask, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
Who's a bee's favorite singer?
Sting.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the appendectomy?
"That's enough out of you."
How many people are there in Rio?
At least a Brazilian.
What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
Reptiles
What do you call donating your body to a medical school?
A Dead Give-away
Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
Who wears a black mask and always smells great?
The Cologne Ranger.
What did the clock say to the watch?
Tock to you later.
Which Knight makes pottery?
Sir Amic.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Take a cod, any cod.
Why don't you ever see chickens in the zoo?
Because they can't afford the admission.
Why are pirates so popular?
They just arrrr.
What knight has extra goods to sell?
Sir Plus
What does the gorilla call his girlfriend?
His prime mate.
What do you get when you cross a lobster with a baseball player?
A pinch hitter.
What do you call a stolen sausage?
A missing link.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What did the lobster major in at the police academy?
Claw enforcement.
Why did the watch stop?
It was running fast all week.
How are a tornado and an redneck divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Are there blood banks in England?
I don't know. But there's a liver pool.
How do alligators make phone calls?
They croco-dial!
When you swim in a creek,
And an eel bites your cheek,
That's a moray.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS...
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Not a joke, but it is something I wanted to remember and putting it here means that one more document goes to the trash.
The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Saturday, February 23, 2013
snob
It is still relatively early, sleep-wise, and I will not worry about throwing my entire sleep cycle off for a few days yet. Barely after midnight, and even a boring book will not bring me any closer to falling asleep. CoolCat keeps coming by to convince me to just give up/in, go to bed and let him cuddle.
We both like that, the cuddling, because it is cold here. Even following the advice of my landlord about buying an infrared heater so that I will not have to use the furnace, my most recent utility bill, combined electric and gas, is two dollars more than last month's. What the fuck? We are still freezing our asses off and it cost me more money?
I have no idea what I am going to do. I cannot afford to live here. I really cannot afford to live anywhere decent. I will probably just stay here, hemorrhaging my savings until I am forced into doing something. This past week, during therapy, I shared that I thought that I am finally ready to start unpacking my stuff and settling in. Seven months here and I seem to feel safe enough to consider not fleeing somewhere else. Where that could be, I have no idea, but I was starting to not worry about it. Then, there was that support group thing where safety and self-defense are going to be part of the program and I thought, well, baby, you can get stronger and feel safer and all of this forward-movement stuff is just what you need.
The day was going well. I awoke to a large snowfall and spent a very pleasant and heart-supportive few hours clearing the property of the white stuff. I love winter...except for the freaking utility bills...and I especially love snow removal. The sense of satisfaction is enormous. Then I made my favorite soup and I really could not design a more wonderful day.
But, I cannot sleep again. This is becoming a very disturbing habit. No good can come from anything other than regular sleep.
So, I am up. Benadryl is becoming a crutch. Going to bed and tossing and turning and having my head crammed with too much junk, and disturbing CoolCat in the process is not productive, and neither of us gets any decent rest. Up, that is me. Looking for boring stuff to read, stuff that I found, stuff that led me to some physics sites, stuff that is not boring and, truth be told, very interesting and some ideas of activities for me and the boys, but, here I am, still awake.
So, I went surfing, looking for some simple living or frugal living or stuff like that. I found a site where I was a member a long time ago and I discovered why I stopped visiting that site.
I am a snob. Something I would not choose to be or even want to be. Do not think of myself like that. However, I had to stop going to that site because I felt weird there. The place is full of people with great resources who are, in my opinion, playing at being frugal. I think that if your idea of frugality is spending your three-week vacation on an island instead of the couple of weeks that you usually spend staying in Paris at your favorite hotel, overlooking the Louvre, that frugality might not be a significant part of your personal philosophy.
Ergo, I am a snob.
If you have to cut back on steak a couple of times a week and I find that amusing, I am a snob.
If you shop at the charity shops because a couple of years ago you were at one of them with a friend and you found a vintage Rudi Gernreich in your favorite mod colors and I shake my head, I am a snob.
One of the hallmarks of my own, personal philosophy is that I do not, as a general practice, judge other people. Having spent the majority of my adult life under the microscope of one of the most proficient judges of the twenty-first century, I really do try to sublimate my natural snarky and sometimes irrepressible judging genes. Most of the time I manage just fine. But, although my on-line behavior is honest and all that jazz, sometimes I just cannot seem to avoid having these feelings ooze into the experience.
This sucks. It is not compatible with how I see myself. It is not how I live in my daily life.
Oh, yeah, sure, we all judge. A complete stranger could be walking towards us and our view of her/him is instant, replete with every kind of judgement possible. Age, gender, status, everything. Honestly, I am pretty sure that we cannot avoid that whole thing. What we can do is to choose to move beyond that, get over our perceptions and prejudices. All that. And, I also think that most people are good at doing that, the getting over themselves part.
On-line, my judging filters are all out of whack. I rarely write anything anymore. Frankly, no one really cares what we think anyway, especially how it applies to what the other person thinks.
Well, in the pursuit of squashing my snobbery and finishing the third season of BBT, a couple of hours have passed and CoolCat is here on cuddle patrol. I want pancakes, but I will settle for settling down with my library book and a fuzzy sweetheart resting on my shoulder. My judgement of that is that it is the perfect way to deal with insomnia.
We both like that, the cuddling, because it is cold here. Even following the advice of my landlord about buying an infrared heater so that I will not have to use the furnace, my most recent utility bill, combined electric and gas, is two dollars more than last month's. What the fuck? We are still freezing our asses off and it cost me more money?
I have no idea what I am going to do. I cannot afford to live here. I really cannot afford to live anywhere decent. I will probably just stay here, hemorrhaging my savings until I am forced into doing something. This past week, during therapy, I shared that I thought that I am finally ready to start unpacking my stuff and settling in. Seven months here and I seem to feel safe enough to consider not fleeing somewhere else. Where that could be, I have no idea, but I was starting to not worry about it. Then, there was that support group thing where safety and self-defense are going to be part of the program and I thought, well, baby, you can get stronger and feel safer and all of this forward-movement stuff is just what you need.
The day was going well. I awoke to a large snowfall and spent a very pleasant and heart-supportive few hours clearing the property of the white stuff. I love winter...except for the freaking utility bills...and I especially love snow removal. The sense of satisfaction is enormous. Then I made my favorite soup and I really could not design a more wonderful day.
But, I cannot sleep again. This is becoming a very disturbing habit. No good can come from anything other than regular sleep.
So, I am up. Benadryl is becoming a crutch. Going to bed and tossing and turning and having my head crammed with too much junk, and disturbing CoolCat in the process is not productive, and neither of us gets any decent rest. Up, that is me. Looking for boring stuff to read, stuff that I found, stuff that led me to some physics sites, stuff that is not boring and, truth be told, very interesting and some ideas of activities for me and the boys, but, here I am, still awake.
So, I went surfing, looking for some simple living or frugal living or stuff like that. I found a site where I was a member a long time ago and I discovered why I stopped visiting that site.
I am a snob. Something I would not choose to be or even want to be. Do not think of myself like that. However, I had to stop going to that site because I felt weird there. The place is full of people with great resources who are, in my opinion, playing at being frugal. I think that if your idea of frugality is spending your three-week vacation on an island instead of the couple of weeks that you usually spend staying in Paris at your favorite hotel, overlooking the Louvre, that frugality might not be a significant part of your personal philosophy.
Ergo, I am a snob.
If you have to cut back on steak a couple of times a week and I find that amusing, I am a snob.
If you shop at the charity shops because a couple of years ago you were at one of them with a friend and you found a vintage Rudi Gernreich in your favorite mod colors and I shake my head, I am a snob.
One of the hallmarks of my own, personal philosophy is that I do not, as a general practice, judge other people. Having spent the majority of my adult life under the microscope of one of the most proficient judges of the twenty-first century, I really do try to sublimate my natural snarky and sometimes irrepressible judging genes. Most of the time I manage just fine. But, although my on-line behavior is honest and all that jazz, sometimes I just cannot seem to avoid having these feelings ooze into the experience.
This sucks. It is not compatible with how I see myself. It is not how I live in my daily life.
Oh, yeah, sure, we all judge. A complete stranger could be walking towards us and our view of her/him is instant, replete with every kind of judgement possible. Age, gender, status, everything. Honestly, I am pretty sure that we cannot avoid that whole thing. What we can do is to choose to move beyond that, get over our perceptions and prejudices. All that. And, I also think that most people are good at doing that, the getting over themselves part.
On-line, my judging filters are all out of whack. I rarely write anything anymore. Frankly, no one really cares what we think anyway, especially how it applies to what the other person thinks.
Well, in the pursuit of squashing my snobbery and finishing the third season of BBT, a couple of hours have passed and CoolCat is here on cuddle patrol. I want pancakes, but I will settle for settling down with my library book and a fuzzy sweetheart resting on my shoulder. My judgement of that is that it is the perfect way to deal with insomnia.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
one year
So, I asked about it and was told that it was a weekly meeting conducted by one of the intern therapists. After my session I got a cup of coffee and read the user manual for the car, having no other reading stuff with me, and waited for the meeting to begin.
Turns out that the intern therapist intends for this to be a support group. She thought it would be helpful for some of her clients to have a social outlet in order to make friends and gain support in their journey towards health. Many of them are isolated by their personal issues, mostly related to dealing with depression and other mental health issues. Something that nearly every breathing, walking-around person experiences on occasion. Most are not debilitated by such things, but some are. Besides, significant and painful live issues are often a precipitating factor to depression and other stuff. Circular in the extreme.
I am the only person in the room who is not the intern therapist or one of her clients.
Big-picture-wise, it is going to be helpful to me in a way that regular therapy cannot. Today's session established ground rules and topics, one of which will be safety and self-defense.
Self-defense?
Until that exact moment, when the IT mentioned it and said that if the group wanted to, the guy who came to the previous six-week sessions to teach/show/illustrate self-defense techniques would be willing to do so again.
Why is it that learning some self-defense techniques never occurred to me? Knowing how to protect my personal safety would have been so helpful to me in so many ways. I am trusting that everything comes in its time, but this is big. I am wondering if being able, at least potentially, to be proactive in keeping myself safer might help me in other ways. I am thinking primarily of my inability to have any lights on at night. Makes me feel exposed, vulnerable to have lights on inside. Cuts down on the shadows. I sometimes wonder if it is helping me be less anxious or if living in the dark contributes to my general anxiety, the whole not dealing with something thing.
Anyway, learning this stuff is going to help me feel stronger and more in control. It will help with my body issues, too. Way cool, and I am hoping that this happens soon.
Previous sessions? This speaks project. Nothing wrong with that. Our VISTA volunteers did the same things. Come in, create projects around a need, offer a service, evaluate, go off into the sunset. It is how these programs operate. The providing of services is to provide services, of course, but mostly to give practical experience to these volunteers, also interns.
I support all this. Not being assigned a VISTA volunteer this year at my primary gig location is a sadness. There simply are not sufficient bodies to fill the expanding belly of need. And, so, bless them all, especially the woman who is providing this safe place where women can find friendship and support if they need it and where an outsider like me is unconditionally welcomed.
The unconditional part is huge, something that I, or any random person, rarely experience. One one-hour session and I feel comfortable enough to return next week after my therapy session. This group thing is helpful in another way because I have been trying to shorten my regular therapy session to anything less than the two-hour fests they now are. With the new group immediately following my sessions I will be able to spew for only an hour. I am thinking that shorter sessions could help be become more focused.
Internal process pretty much decrees struggle and pain, sometimes lots of both, before you can move on from something. My PTSD is worse lately, maybe in concert with today's milestone. Maybe not. Probably.
Anyway, the day seems determined to not be denied. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am glad to be here, that one year later, I am still alive, still doing good work, still helping other people, still living with CoolCat. I am even glad to be struggling with my resources, mostly because I can. It is, on some level, interesting that my ex still feels the need to fuck with me. My therapist keeps bringing up his apparent unwillingness to break his attachments to me, no matter how disgusting and stressful that whole issue must be for him. I would prefer to not have to even think about it, but she insists that my future peace and safety is dependent on dealing with this. My choice right now is a resounding 'no'. Yes to forward movement, more yes to honoring a day that I would have preferred to never needed to have in my life at all. No to dealing with his crap. His feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, desires, preferences are nothing to me.
Now, that is progress. Yay me.
Whilst I managed to resist cake, I did get some great mustard greens to have with the potato soup I am making tomorrow. I have a lovely sausage to make with cabbage, carrots and onions, all oven roasted and made into soup. There is washed and chopped kale in the freezer for kale, hot sausage and potato soup. Poblanos to be stuffed with spicy ground beef, baked with chilies. Thick and creamy yogurt. And, the rest of the chips.
Let it snow for the next few days. I have lots of great soup plans to amuse me for as long as I can avoid leaving the house. I have my shovel ready and a hundred pounds of salty nuggets to deal with the ice and crusty snow. Snow which was supposed to start a couple of hours ago. 'Cmon, precipitation!
Monday, February 18, 2013
really?
Last night human remains were found in a big city in my state.
In a trash bag, left near a dumpster, was a body, wrapped in fabric/sheet, part of the head and teeth exposed through a tear in the bag.
"Police say the investigation is ongoing — and they say they do believe this is a suspicious death."
Suspicious?
Really?
I understand caution, especially where contact with the media is concerned. Especially when there are few details, even before they can even do an autopsy, which will be today, I guess.
Suicides. A baby assaulted on a plane. By the way, the monster that verbally abused the baby and his mother before slapping the child has an attorney who is publicly cautioning people to not rush to judgement before all of the facts are known. Really?
No one is safe. I knew that before, have known it for a very long time and I know it now. But, the sad and inescapable truth is that even if someone has not experienced accidental or intention assault by someone else, and that it is my preference to believe that I live in a loving Universe, stuff still happens, people are hurt or killed or destroyed in countless ways.
And, I am sure that I am aware of and tuned into hearing/noticing death more than I did before nearly dying myself' so, whilst it is difficult still to hold some reasonable perspective on violence, particularly of the domestic kind, I am doing my best to keep all of this stuff from temporarily, well, not exactly destroying me (because I think that I am healing past that), but still feeling a bit frightened by all of these reports. They seem to be nearly weekly mentions, often more than one.
I am not accustomed to watching television and my exposure to these stories were limited to the very occasional news reports on the car radio. Now, I have this little television and an antenna thing and can watch five or so channels. This exponentially increases my awareness of news of all kinds.
Each time this happens, I am newly terrorized. I cannot seem to prevent that initial response. I am writing as much as I can, hopefully divesting this self-imposed burden of shared grief. I am spewing like crazy during therapy, knowing that I am such a bore to concentrate on the violence in the news, but unable to stop. I am meditating like I mean it. I am drawing. Reading. Working. Volunteering, which is probably the most helpful, as it constantly informs me how truly lucky I am for just about everything.
My therapist keeps reminding me of when we first worked together, and I expressed my difficulty moving forward because it had been a month since I fled my house. She brought it up again last week. I am now three days from that, the day I left. I should be so much further along. I should not still be waiting for my ex to man-up, stop stealing our joint resources and just generally screwing me over.
Okey-dokey, so there are still factors holding me enmeshed in this mess. I do not think it unreasonable to want it to be over. Court orders, particularly those connected to divorce, are mostly unenforceable. I get that. I also get that my ex is doing all of this to impoverish me, knowing that because he has stolen everything that I do not have the resources to fight for what is mine.
I am so much fortunate than other women in my circumstance. I have responsibility for only myself and CoolCat. I can just manage to keep us safe from the elements, keep us reasonably well-fed and keep us as safe as it is possible to be. I can get to work and to see my babies at least once a month or so. Other than that, I have nearly depleted my financial resources from the sale of the house.
Most of the time I am fine with this. I am naturally frugal and being so suits me well. One year past leaving, I am living below the poverty level, although I do not expect to be homeless again; and my ex, well, who knows what he is doing with all of that money, but you can bet your big girl panties that he is not worrying about how the pay the heating bill or anything else. I do not agree with the saying that money cannot buy you happiness. I believe that, in addition to freeing me from worry and stress, that having enough money could go a long way to adding to my core happiness.
Enough. I would love to be above such feelings, but I am not. He continues to do whatever he can to make me suffer, including his near-demand that I file joint taxes with him for last year so that he does not have to pay his tax liability without help from me. That is not going to happen, but my investment in all of this is me, alone, increasing his ability to continue the abuse.
Enough. I have to find ways to release all of this.
In a trash bag, left near a dumpster, was a body, wrapped in fabric/sheet, part of the head and teeth exposed through a tear in the bag.
"Police say the investigation is ongoing — and they say they do believe this is a suspicious death."
Suspicious?
Really?
I understand caution, especially where contact with the media is concerned. Especially when there are few details, even before they can even do an autopsy, which will be today, I guess.
Suicides. A baby assaulted on a plane. By the way, the monster that verbally abused the baby and his mother before slapping the child has an attorney who is publicly cautioning people to not rush to judgement before all of the facts are known. Really?
No one is safe. I knew that before, have known it for a very long time and I know it now. But, the sad and inescapable truth is that even if someone has not experienced accidental or intention assault by someone else, and that it is my preference to believe that I live in a loving Universe, stuff still happens, people are hurt or killed or destroyed in countless ways.
And, I am sure that I am aware of and tuned into hearing/noticing death more than I did before nearly dying myself' so, whilst it is difficult still to hold some reasonable perspective on violence, particularly of the domestic kind, I am doing my best to keep all of this stuff from temporarily, well, not exactly destroying me (because I think that I am healing past that), but still feeling a bit frightened by all of these reports. They seem to be nearly weekly mentions, often more than one.
I am not accustomed to watching television and my exposure to these stories were limited to the very occasional news reports on the car radio. Now, I have this little television and an antenna thing and can watch five or so channels. This exponentially increases my awareness of news of all kinds.
Each time this happens, I am newly terrorized. I cannot seem to prevent that initial response. I am writing as much as I can, hopefully divesting this self-imposed burden of shared grief. I am spewing like crazy during therapy, knowing that I am such a bore to concentrate on the violence in the news, but unable to stop. I am meditating like I mean it. I am drawing. Reading. Working. Volunteering, which is probably the most helpful, as it constantly informs me how truly lucky I am for just about everything.
My therapist keeps reminding me of when we first worked together, and I expressed my difficulty moving forward because it had been a month since I fled my house. She brought it up again last week. I am now three days from that, the day I left. I should be so much further along. I should not still be waiting for my ex to man-up, stop stealing our joint resources and just generally screwing me over.
Okey-dokey, so there are still factors holding me enmeshed in this mess. I do not think it unreasonable to want it to be over. Court orders, particularly those connected to divorce, are mostly unenforceable. I get that. I also get that my ex is doing all of this to impoverish me, knowing that because he has stolen everything that I do not have the resources to fight for what is mine.
I am so much fortunate than other women in my circumstance. I have responsibility for only myself and CoolCat. I can just manage to keep us safe from the elements, keep us reasonably well-fed and keep us as safe as it is possible to be. I can get to work and to see my babies at least once a month or so. Other than that, I have nearly depleted my financial resources from the sale of the house.
Most of the time I am fine with this. I am naturally frugal and being so suits me well. One year past leaving, I am living below the poverty level, although I do not expect to be homeless again; and my ex, well, who knows what he is doing with all of that money, but you can bet your big girl panties that he is not worrying about how the pay the heating bill or anything else. I do not agree with the saying that money cannot buy you happiness. I believe that, in addition to freeing me from worry and stress, that having enough money could go a long way to adding to my core happiness.
Enough. I would love to be above such feelings, but I am not. He continues to do whatever he can to make me suffer, including his near-demand that I file joint taxes with him for last year so that he does not have to pay his tax liability without help from me. That is not going to happen, but my investment in all of this is me, alone, increasing his ability to continue the abuse.
Enough. I have to find ways to release all of this.
Friday, February 15, 2013
carina
This is one of the images that made my heart soar this morning.
These are the Pillars of Carina. At least in the Carina Nebula.
I love Hubble. Like crazy. I still remember the joy I felt when Hubble was repaired in 2009. Launched in 1990. Hubble was intended to last for approximately six years. Yet, despite the stumbling and setbacks, my sweet baby endured. Even better, is that Hubble is still up there, still sending us the most amazing and beautiful images, well, in the Universe.
I love Hubble.
Like crazy.
I love Hubble. Like crazy. I still remember the joy I felt when Hubble was repaired in 2009. Launched in 1990. Hubble was intended to last for approximately six years. Yet, despite the stumbling and setbacks, my sweet baby endured. Even better, is that Hubble is still up there, still sending us the most amazing and beautiful images, well, in the Universe.
I love Hubble.
Like crazy.
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