Healthier eating - Day 4

BREAKFAST
2 eggs, over-easy, cooked in butter, peppered.


This is early to log this, but I tried easy-over eggs for breakfast.  Should have gone with salad.  I am paying the southern hemisphere costs of just jumping in and eating them.  Plain, a little pepper.

This is a problem.  I researched paleo and vegan food allowances (hate using that word, but it certainly applies to what I am trying to do) might include tofu.  I know that fermented vegetables and fruits are fine, but I have found only one site that has tofu on their encouraged list.

If I can have tofu, that should help so much.  I can still get enough of the whole protein thing and not need meat every day.  Especially since eggs are out.  I used to like them so much.  I still like the taste, the texture and all that.  I am wondering if they always bothered me a little, but not enough to make me sick back then.  Maybe if I continued to eat them all along I could tolerate them, but I will never know.  I kind of looked forward to enjoying them again.

I will add the rest of what I eat later on, but now I have to go hold a brief ceremony for eggs. 

Back.

LUNCH
Salad and vinaigrette.  Clearly, that is not enough food.  Comes out to just over 150 calories.  Seems like a joke.

DINNER
Tilapia, microwaved from frozen, dressed with butter, pepper and salt.  Absolutely delicious because not only is it a tasty fish and an equally tasty way to make it, but it is true that hunger is the best seasoning.  Or, something like that.
I also had a bag of Brussels sprouts (less the ones that fell to the floor), with a little butter and cooked until really soft and a little browned. 

Four later and there are no hunger pangs to make it less-than-easy to fall asleep.  Nice.

In the freezer, during that time when I was not starving...just hungry...I found a pack of tilapia, two small packages of cod, the sprouts and a big bag of peas, that I intended to have around for quick curries, which I will have to research about how to make them without the carby stuff.

There is also a full bag of those lovely bean burritos that go so nicely with salsa and sour cream on those nights when I am tired after work and actually remember they are there.  A frosty bag of shrimp, I mean, how did I forget that was in there?  I am going to have to stir-fry it with broccoli, onions and canned mushrooms.  When I buy some broccoli.

Shopping after work tomorrow will be more informed and productive that it was last Saturday after work.

Chicken thighs to bake and leftovers to  chop over salad.
More salad stuff, but this time more individual ingredients, with the bags on hand for late-night pangs and work lunches.  I saw chopped and washed kale in a bag, in the produce department, last Saturday, and when I weighed it and a bunch of regular kale, the price was comparable.  So, unless it proves to be icky, I plan to buy it again.  Baby carrots, which are really just broken carrots that are tumbled (like pretty rocks) until they are smaller and smoother.  Celery, cucumbers and maybe radishes for salads and snacking.  I would be happy to take a bag of raw vegetables and some almonds as a take-along snack.
More of the skimpy ingredients vinaigrette.  My favorite is Brianna's, the one with the artichoke on the label.
Oh, how about some artichokes.  More easy vegetables, like avocados, tomatoes (since my plants died), cabbage (maybe red, depends on the price), head and leaf lettuces, whatever else catches my budget-informed eye.
More other meat.  Lean.  Easy to cook.  Although I cannot readily think of any flesh that is both lean and easy to prepare, except ground beef and this week's cube steaks.  The problem with both of them is that they are not all that tasty, something I am going to try to insist on have, the tasty part, as much as possible.
Frozen vegetables, but not many packages will fit into my tiny freezer.  Truth is that in that other life, a bag of frozen vegetables and bread was the most common lunch or dinner for me.  So, Brussels sprouts, spinach, and greens.

I am used to buying lots of fresh vegetables and know how to keep them as fresh as possible for as long as possible, but that is not going to work for meat, which will have to be bought at least twice a week.  So much for not spending all that time in the stores.  This is going to mess up (notice...no swearing) my budget eventually, especially on weak-willed-days.

Oh, I had a piece of dark chocolate, 85% cocoa, a short while ago.  Nice that I can still eat this.

I did more tofu research tonight and whilst fermented foods like vegetables and tempeh are fine to eat, tofu is not fermented and is not fine.  I am going to resist buying some, but I think that will not last for long.  Only four days and I am feeling close to feeling finished with flesh.  Nicely alliterated, yes?

Off to read my last Graham Joyce book for a while.  I pick up a few titles every few months, but it takes only two or three to satisfy he flavor of weirdiosity.  My favorite this run is The Silent Land, which kept me wondering about several possible scenarios for the story until the end.  Lovely.  I am nearly half-way through Smoking Poppy, the story of a man searching for his estranged daughter. 

Healthier eating - Day 3

BREAKFAST
Missing oats.  Finished the last of the melon.  It was so delicious.

LUNCH
I had a bag of salad and 1 1/2  cube steaks, broken over the top.  Vinaigrette.  Good and filling, although I was feeling hungry later.  I have not planned this as well as I need, and will have to get some portable foods for times like this.  Nuts, I think.

DINNER
I am having that right now.  Another bag of salad and the last 1 1/2 cube steaks. 

It is just past midnight and I apparently sat down to watch a little television, nearly six hours have passed and I am eating and wondering how I am going to go back to sleep.

I am not weighing myself.  I know how fat I am and will certainly notice if I lose weight, although I am wondering if I should be watching calories, at least in the beginning of this process.

Meat is filling, and simply prepared does not carry extra calories.  Small portions, 3 ounces or so, are enough.  I am not used to eating so much meat and I am thinking that in short time it will stop feeling so filling.  The problem, right now, is that I am used to eating more refined carbohydrates, which are very satisfying, which is probably one of the reasons I miss them so much.  The other reason is that I like them, all that bread and beans, lentils, couscous, and especially hearty and chewy breads.  Lordy, do I miss my daily bread, in so many ways.

Wednesdays at work are long, sometimes 10 hours or longer.  A snack in the later afternoon is nice, but I rarely needed one, like I did today.  What I never need is a nap, probably because the day is so long, there is usually just enough time to eat, shower, catch up on work and get to bed.  So, today's need to sit in an actual chair and then lose five hours was unexpected and is certainly not helping me get back on a decent sleeping schedule, after last week's experiments.

So, next steps are finding and buying between meal foods that are acceptable to what I want to eat and what pleases me to eat, taste, satiety and less nap-taking.

Increase the amount of meat I eat.  I need it to help me feel satisfied and not have to crave all those darn carbs.

Increase the variety of what I eat.

Find easy to carry snacks.  I already have little packets of sea weed that I keep in my purse, but they are not tummy filling.  Small amounts of walnuts and almonds can be sorted into snack-sized plastic bags.

Interestingly, I am feeling relaxed and a little sleepy after my late dinner.  Off to take meds and read myself to sleep.  I have lots of cleaning to do around here, and an insane amount of laundry.  I have to remember to boil up some eggs in the morning, to have with breakfast salad, which really appeals to me.

Healthier eating - Day 2

I am going to do this until it becomes too boring.  Day 2, whilst not all that exciting, does not have me falling asleep at the keyboard.

BREAKFAST
Melon and cherries, and I was full.  Interesting.  I wonder if fruit does this to everyone.  The most fruit I have eaten in the past year is apples, grapes, citrus/grapefruit, bananas and melon and berries in season.  The other fruits are available all year long.  America is like that, and the prices are decent, too.  Out of season fruits, like pineapple, melons, berries, cherries, stone fruits and most citrus, and all that are expensive, so for most of us they might as well not even be available.

LUNCH
By lunchtime I had taken some of the meat out of the refrigerator, looked at it for a bit and then put it back.  I started to feel hungry around 2:00 p.m., so I broiled a couple of the cube steaks.  Cube steaks are thin pieces of meat that are cut from tough cuts/larger pieces, and are run through a machine that chops down into the meat, kind of shredding it.  It falls apart when you cook it unless it has a lot of connective tissue, gristle and like that.

The cube steaks are about the size of a very thin hamburger patty and cook really quickly, as I found out when I let them in there for five minutes.  I ate them and thought about ending with a salad, but I was full.

DINNER
More melon.  That's it.  I will have to buy half the amount of fruit that I did on Saturday.  Fruit does not have the staying power of bread or cereals.  Same thing goes for meat.  I have eaten both in the past, so the short life of the stuff should not surprise me, but it did.

Anyway, the melon filled me up. 

Fruit makes one gassy, something I already knew from ages ago, although I am not experiencing the more liquid lower-intestinal effects that eating so much fruit should be causing.  Thank goodness for small graces.

DINNER #2
Melon for dinner was delicious and felt so indulgent.  Hey.  I am eating melon for the second day in a row.  Yay.

Unfortunately, the satisfaction and fullness did not last, I got busy working and all of a sudden it was 10:00 p.m. and I was really hungry.  I am too fat and privileged to be starving, but the thought flashed for a moment and I realized that I was ten minutes away from bedtime.  Even worse, as I was thinking about food, I also realized that I had not planned anything for work lunch this week.  I only need it two days, but the first one is tomorrow.  Rats.

So, I cooked the four remaining cube steaks, not over-cooked this time, cut one up to put on a salad and the others are cooking in the refrigerator.  Another one will be part of tomorrow's salad and the other two can be dinner tomorrow night, most likely on a big salad, along with more melon.

I do not like eating so late in the evening. 
I do not believe that eating late at night messes with digestion or calorie burning.
My life is sedentary enough that it makes no difference if I am working at work or here at home or if I am sleeping.  A body at rest stays at rest and the inner workings go on just the same, no matter what form the resting takes.

I am still wanting carby stuff.  I want rice, which I rarely eat.  I want lentils, which I often eat, and whilst taking a break here at the computer, I was looking at the stuff on Yahoo! and there was a recipe for baked potatoes stuffed with spicy beans.  Lordy.

Healthier eating - Day 1

In order to be healthier and not die in my sleep, I am taking the advice of a whole bunch of people who should know what the heck they are doing.

I am mostly vegetarian, even more mostly vegan, but when I am feeling particularly crappy I try to wedge some flesh into my diet.  Carbohydrates do not have to be wedged, as they fit quite nicely into what I like to eat and what my budget allows.  When I do buy meat, it is from the two discount markets, and, truth be told, the quality is sort of O.K. at one of them and sort of hit and miss at the other.

The short story is that I will be eating:

• Just a bit more of the usual 10-12 cups of dark, leafy greens that I eat most days, well, at least four days.
• All of the vegetables I like, which is pretty much all of them, although I am eliminating a few for the next month or so, and will see how I feel when I re-introduce them.  Gradually.  Those vegetables are, in no particular order, corn, beets, carrots, although maybe not the carrots.  Still to decide.
• Those bags of ready-to-eat salads.  I am thinking that they will be an easy thing to grab when I am craving a baked potato or toast or a sandwich.  I am having one right now.  Yum.
• Fruits of all kinds.  I bought and had some today.  Kind of surprising, since I do not eat much fruit, just the occasional apple or banana.  Frozen berries, melon in season.  Stuff like that.
• Meat.  Flesh.  I was just reading something and realized that I can have all the organ meats I like, which I like very much.  I like all kinds of offal, especially in soup, tripe, tendon, hearts, tongue, gizzards, thymus, liver, liver, liver.  I can also continue to eat fried pig skin from the grocery store that has all that nice Hispanic cuisine.  Allrighty then, this meat thing could work out, not only can I see myself eating all of that goodness, but it is all on the less-expensive spectrum, at least where meat prices are concerned.
• Fats.  This is going to be a challenge, I think.  I already use butter instead of any substitutes, believing that they are poison.  Really.  Kind of. But, I may have to use more than I am used to, well, maybe not, because one of the foods I used to eat butter on is popcorn...breads, too, and since I will not be eating any of that, the extra that I will most likely have on the extra vegetables should be somewhat the same amount.  I think.  I am also going to use full-fat salad dressings, both home made and purchased.  I bought two bottle of the Brianna vinaigrette this afternoon.  It is the one with the artichoke on the label and I like it because it tastes great and has very few ingredients.
• Um, eggs and seeds (which includes a few nuts, as well).  Eggs to not agree with my digestion, so I am going to very slowly add them to what I eat.  I am thinking that half of a hard cooked egg could be chopped on top of a salad, along with some raw sesame or sunflower seeds.  I can carry almonds, walnuts or macadamia nuts along with me.  Most nuts, just not peanuts, which I will miss only because I like natural peanut butter.  Oh, well.
• I can still eat chocolate, as I eat 90-100 percent chocolate anyway.  No probs.  
• Same thing for some adult beverages, which is nice in case I decide to have one sometime.  

The even shorter story is the kinds of foods I will not be eating:

• Organic
• Grass-fed
• Seriously?  Only rich people can afford that stuff, and the same goes for the farmers' markets here in the summer and fall.  Whilst I like the idea of people growing/raising/crafting healthy foods and I honor the insane amount of work that goes into doing that, the totally appropriate prices are out of my budget and comfort zone.  They just are.

So, what did I eat on this first day of trying to become healthier.

BREAKFAST
I slept in and traded breakfast for an extra hour of sleep.  So, no breakfast.

LUNCH
I had 45 minutes between group and art class, so I walked to the next block for a salad and stopped instead at the place owned by that really cute Balkan couple, what they call themselves, Balkan, the cute, really cute part is all mine.

They really are adorable and when I walked inside there was no one there.  Business is bad everywhere in this town, except for the bars, clubs, fancy-panties-rich-folk restaurants and the drug dealers.  So, instead of just talking to them, I ordered some food.  They make nearly everything from scratch, so you cannot go in there and walk out with your food in less than a half hour.  Wife and I had a nice conversation.  She was eating yogurt and we talked about how we each make yogurt and it is the same.  She told me that sometimes she thins the yogurt with a wee bit of water and adds chunks of bread to it and that it is delicious.  Oh, were I still eating dairy, I would totally try that.  Someone else needs to do that and let me know what it is like.

I ordered home made beef sausage cooked with onions and green peppers, and a small salad.  The salad had crumbly cheese on it, which I did not order, but ate anyway because he forgot to give me lemon for the dressing.  He also made hash browns, which I started to eat before I remembered that they are made from potatoes.  Everything was greasy enough to make anyone happy.  I did not eat the little tub of mayonaise (what was that for?  a substitute for the lemons?), the rest of the potatoes or the little bun.

The meat and vegetables and grease were satisfying, as I suspect that meat is going to continue to be, taking so long to digest and all that.

DINNER
Fruit and the salad I just ate.  I am hungry, but it is for carbohydrates specifically, so I am ignoring my rumbly tummy and going to bed in a few minutes.

First day over easily, as I was busy doing lots of meetings (and the art class, which was so much fun) without any real slow-down time.  Tomorrow I have no place to be, except the laundromat.  Should be interesting, since I usually grab drive-through-fast-food to eat there.  I forgot to plan for that.  Phtttstp.

If I can do one day, then I can do the next day.  After that day, I can do a couple more.

dilemma

I am having one and I do not like it.  Life should be easier than this, less complicated, but it is not.  Still, I want it to be.  Something happened outside of my auspices, although I have been drawn into the situation and find myself stuck.

I thought writing about this would help; it usually does.  Helps me to spew everything out and examine what the bits and pieces are, shuffle stuff around and fit the important parts back into what can work for me.  I have a strong moral code.  I do not beat myself or anyone else over the head with it, but it is there and even if I could change it to make my life easier, I would not.  It is a codex actually, gathered and sewn into a book that I hold at my center.  Informing myself about who I believe myself to be.

I like thinking of my life encapsulated in those pages.  They are kind of worn, kind of soiled, kind of the verification that I kind of have done a fairly decent job of crafting this now-new life and surviving that other one.  I like the feeling of that manuscript that I hold in my heart, adding new pages with each new experience, all the insights I have found and my work, something I would never how known even existed had I not had that other life. 

It is a massive understatement that surviving long term unhappiness and abuse changes one's life.  And, all of that makes what I do have to count for something, it has to hold meaning and support and understanding for myself and the people with whom I work.  Even my friends, making my relationships with them kind of weird now, although I am working through that.  I cherish my ethics and the code that supports them.  I would not change my life for anything.  And, I keep saying and writing this, but I would not change anything that has happened to me, not a single thing, not even the worst things.

And, here I am, stuck between the horns of choice.  That something that happened does not need my influence, because I not only was I not involved in the original incident and I am not the know-all, understand-all and help-all for this.  Still, I am stuck.  What I have done is to make my resources available and am just hoping for the best.

The important part here, amongst lots of important aspects, is that this situation is helping me to learn and internalize boundaries.  I often suck at that.  This situation is what I need.  I just hope I am up to the challenge. 

4th

Today is the US Independence Day.  This house is along the parade route.  I forgot about it until the police and fire department vehicles (always the parade leaders) woke me.  Not sleeping well lately.

I feel too exposed to go outside and watch the parade.  I have a nice porch, but both sides of the street are packed with enthusiasts and people walk along the sidewalk for the entire length and time of the parade.  The family in the back flat erect a canopy on the driveway and all their friends and family come over for the day.  If I make an appearance they invite me to the cookout and all the rest. 

It seems as though this would be a safe experience, and it is.  It is just that there are too many people.  And, for some reason, I have never been a fan of parades.  I remember too many bad experiences with my ex at parades and other public things, but that cannot be the only reason(s).  Not crazy about circuses or races (animal of vehicle), and I think that it is because there is the possibility, albeit rare, of some kind of catastrophe.  What else do I hate avoid find weirdly too busy?

I used to like church fairs, especially the summer ones and worked at my parish's fair every year.  That was lots of hard work and so much fun.  The big city near here has a huge summer fair season, churches of course, but music and ethnic ones on the shores of the big water.  I used to like those, too.  Now both of them seem like too much work.  You have to get yourself there and wander around.  Gosh, I really am anti-social.  What a mess and I am newly determined to do something about this.

I took a nap this afternoon.  Not all that unusual, but I have been experimenting this week (no work days scheduled) with different sleeping stuff.  One of the women at the homeless center finally found a job.  It starts as part time and builds from there, based on her performance.  Right on the heels of that job offer, came a second one, this for full time and with some benefits after the probationary period.

Like anyone, she would love to take the full time one, but the problem is transportation.  When I was slumber partying with the boys, she called me up there to ask if I would take her to work and fetch her at the end of her shift.  I found that interesting, but let her talk about what she needs for that better, full time job.

She gave me two times that she would need a ride, and I am thinking that it must be just beyond the bus routes and we started examining my work schedule to see how this could work out.  After some time, she finally told me that the drop-off and pick-up times are between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m.  It seems that the company has lots of new contracts and will be having overtime, 12-hour shifts, and the buses do not run at those middle-of-the-night hours.  Like, really?  It seems that this not occurred to the company as they began calling people for the jobs, that it is likely that many of the potential employees may not have cars.  It occurs to me that it could also be a screening tactic, but I guess I could be wrong about that.

Anyway, I told her that I would think about it.  I did, even calling my paying job to see if I could be more flexible about the shifts I work there, which can be any times, and called her back.  Whilst it would be a challenge, but I would love to help her out.  I met her at the center, but she has become a good friend and she has come to my employment helping gig and I have never had anyone who works as hard as she has to rebuild her life.  She has found housing and now these two job offers.  She deserves any nice thing that could happen for her, so I want to help.

So, since Tuesday night, I have stayed up until the times that she needs rides, as well as going to bed after a pretend work day and arose early for the ride thing.

It has been a miserable failure.  Even though I know that doing it for a few months will help, that it will begin to be a more comfortable habit, but I cannot figure out how I could do this and still stay up for a full work day of my own.  I just cannot see it happening.

Here she is, crafting a new and cool life and this barrier to a better financial situation is thrown at her.  I know that it is not my job to solve everything for everyone, not even just the occasional fixing of anything, but it would be wonderful to help her.  I know that she is disappointed in me.  I cannot do anything about that. 

This is about independence for both of us, but more critical and immediate for her.  At stake is her future and hopefully more comfortable and less stressful life and my inability to find a way to help her without compromising my health.  It feels like I should be willing to make the sacrifice, but the last time we spoke on Monday, she told me that the overtime will continue at least until the end of the year.  I could probably manage a few weeks, although six months, hell, I cannot do it that long.

We two, grown women, have to find out own way through this.  Just like every other life challenge.  Just like every potential stall or failure, but, more importantly, every other potential success.

Even if this does not work out for her, the full time job, and she has to default to the part time job, everything will be fine.  She will be fine.  She deserves so much and has earned the right to want something better, even if it does not work out perfectly.

Perfect is nice, but not as much as being independent and in charge of your life.  Although, I have to admit that I am more than pleased that a parade does not come along with any of this.

Hey, I can hear the fireworks.  Might have to go outside and take a lookie-look.

me

I hardly know where to begin, except that I am supposed to be focusing on myself now and I am finding it very difficult.  Like really hard to think of myself first, the assignment given to me by a couple of people.  Sure, I can do things for myself.  It is just that putting my own interests and needs ahead of those of anyone else is not easy, just as it is for many people to do, especially women. 

That is not being genderist, it is the way my generation of women was raised.   I guess that makes me a tenderist, because I really and truly honor how women are doing their best to overcome the limited, narrow and subservient ways we were raised to behave and the unsupported way we are supposed to think about ourselves. We are always supposed to put the needs and wants of other people first, often even relative strangers, complete strangers. 

You know the drill.  Plan family and friend meals around what those folk like to eat.  Oh, more on eating later because that is what has pulled me from my writing funk today.  So, we shop and cook for the preferences of other people nearly all of the time.  Our homes are decorated...or not...according to what the family wants.  All of that stuff, everything.  I remember when I bought my first car as a married person, I had to insist on actually driving it and when we were finished and I had decided to buy it, the car salesperson, who had addressed only my husband (who was only there because I needed a ride to buy the darn car), said to him, "well, I guess that all that's left is for the little woman to pick the color."

That is pretty much how I have lived my life.  It is also how I ended up in such a terrible and dangerous life.  In the two years, since ending that other life, I have made a lot of progress to finding a way of living that works for me.  And, on and on and excruciatingly further on.  Rehashing all of this is a waste of energy that I need to start the work of now.  An even more immediate now than my now-new life asks of me.

I am being encouraged to have a personal life, the kind where I would mostly do personal things with other persons.  Currently I go to work at one gig two days each week, work at my paid job at least one day each week, and have two other volunteer gigs that use up one or two days each week.

That pretty much fills the week, which is what I have been doing, working and gigging the week away so that the day or two left over is for planning work/volunteer projects, gathering materials, tending the data and members at our medical sites, visiting my daughter and her guys, church, laundry, errands, food shopping and cooking.  And, naps, which seem to be more important all the time.

Nowhere in there is any time for just being or spending time with friends or city activities, or even just walking down to the big water and grooving on nature and the nature of things.  Tomorrow is the US Fourth of July thing and the city's long and noisy parade will pass my little home here.  In the spirit of being more social, I may even go outside and sit on the porch with the people in the other flats to watch, chat and have a refreshing beverage.  Gosh, I would really like to do that.  Maybe that should be my official first step.

Tangled in with all of this resolve to find, pursue and establish a personal life, is the strong connection to how I look.  People are mostly kind and would never say anything about how I am not, gosh, it is so hard to continue to think and write about how I look when I am supposed to be thinking positive thoughts and develop supportive beliefs and behaviors for myself, but the truth is that I am not attractive.  I do not send sensitive souls gasping or running in fear, but I am not particularly feminine looking, and truth be told, just not attractive. 

I certainly cannot change my physicality, but I it is in my very best interest to stop my default thinking about how ugly I am.  Without massive amounts of plastic surgery or finding a way to return to a zygote (maybe even that is not early enough), I must concentrate on the aspects of self that I can affect.

I can lose weight, and I would like to do that by eating more appropriately for my body and using that to become more fit.  Shedding excess tonnage should naturally follow, especially if I can find a way to exercise.  Ah, exercise.  Going to the gym is an exercise in itself, a sure way to humiliation, even if I am the only person who sees my exterior not-attractiveness, although I am sure that there will be plenty of others who will notice that right off.  Factor in being so unfit, and I should be quite amusing. 

So, cell phone and cane in hand, my plan is to walk.  Firstly, around this small block, mostly because there is a nice bench halfway around where I can sit and groove on the big water for a while.  Doing that will also support my desire to be out of the house/work/wherever and have to deal with how exposed that makes me feel.  My mind tells me that that these feelings are a choice, but my experiences inform me that choosing to be out and about, to have that kind of personal exposure in a public place is not a choice that I am able to easily make.

That just totally sucks.  Even with all of the progress and growth I have experienced, these sticking points, these blocks to living that I still have, that I still hang on to as though my life depended on it, are so distressing.   Truth is that in that other life, my survival did rest on my abilities to stay as invisible and quiet as possible.  But, that is all over and I often am pulled up short by my default reactions and behaviors that are holding me back.  Totally sucks.  Baby steps is a term that is increasingly frustrating to me, but I have to admit that taking these things and chipping away at them, stopping and asking me how I am feeling in the moment and what my options for affecting my feelings and the situation or circumstance might be.  Sometimes I feel like I am shuffling my feet, staying as close to the ground as possible is all that I can manage.  And, it occurs to me that I physically shuffling around was another part of living back then and trying to survive.  What the hell.  Could that be an insight?  Lordy.

So, back to food.  Eating healthier. 

After weeks of researching and reading and watching two films, I am going to banish refined carbohydrates from my life.  Oh, the humanity.  Not only do I buy food that give the most caloric and health benefit from what little I have to spend, but I really love to eat all kinds of breads and vegetable-source noodles (Asian, mostly), potatoes, beets and so much more, especially corn in all forms.  I think I must be having popcorn and fruit for dinner more than several times each month.    So easy and delicious to quickly cook/hydrate sweet potato or legume noodles and throw in some seafood or leftover vegetables or, more rarely, leftover meat.  Oh, potato, I think that I will miss you most of all.

Still, this makes so much sense to me that I really have everything to gain by giving this my best effort.  I am sitting down with my food budget today and tomorrow, pulling up the markets' web sites and planning...oh...my...god...here it come...wait for it...meals.  Man.  I will be meal planning because it is the only way that I can make sure that I spend my money properly.

What I do now is to take my food money, go to the markets and buy what is on sale.  Easy, but what I can afford is all of the carbohydrates.  That changes now.  I have been reading that animal protein, you know, flesh, takes longer to digest, something I already know, and that I can get by on less food if most of it is flesh.  I am hoping for the best, and if some other part of my budget has to be stretched, then so be it.  I already eat tons of vegetables, with lots of greens, so no problem there, but eating so much protein means that I will have to cook every day, instead of having ingredients that I can quickly toss together into sandwiches, pull from the freezer for work lunches, or into a big pot that will feed me for most of the week.

Oh, I can still have a much soups as I want.  Cool.  I just have to substitute meat for the starchier vegetables, which will help a lot, as I can use much cheaper cuts of meat, as well as lots of cheap ground beef.  Yay.  As much as I love all those potatoes and other root vegetables, I am certain that I can still make satisfying and delicious soups every week.  I am just filled with YAY!

The past two days have been an opportunity to funnel all of my new learning into the belief that I can do this, do it successfully and begin this part of my journey to better health, fitness and the desire to make the other changes to which my life is calling me.  Yes, Life, here I am, willing to answer and follow, just kind of scared.

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Thanks to the documentary I watched whilst at my daughter's on Monday, Hungry for Change ( http://www.hungryforchange.tv/ ).  That was the cap on the past several weeks of intensive researching. You can watch the first 20 minutes for free and whilst you have to register, they do not ask for any personal or financial information, i.e. credit card info.  I cannot remember the makers of the film, and too lazy to go back and look, but it was nice to see and hear from Christiane Northrup, one of my idols and wise elders, even though I think she is younger than I am.

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This afternoon I read about Cereal Killers (on a forum site for simpler living that I like and respect very much).  So, it was easy for me to follow the link and watch the film.  Donal O'Neill does a nice job of explaining this.  It is free for just until tomorrow, but if you can fit it in, it is totally and completely worth the hour you will spend at your computer.  This is the film.  It is on Mercola's web site, but watch it anyway, no matter how you feel about them. 
Cereal Killers film:  http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/06/28/cereal-killers-movie.aspx?e_cid=20140628Z1_DNL_art_1&utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20140628Z1&et_cid=DM51229&et_rid=568842291
Cereal Killers trailer on You Tube:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dON-fPp5Hy0

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I have been reading books on healthier eating for at least the past six months.  All roads seem to have been leading to eliminating refined carbohydrates as much as possible.  Avoiding sugar, which is impossible if you rely on even partially processed foodstuffs, is also what I want to do.  I use prepared and semi-prepared stuff because I am too exhausted to cook when I get home from all my gigs/jobs or when I have a day off.  I like little fast food, but I do not hesitate to drive through someplace for a quick meal, even when I am on my way home, knowing that I will not cook anything and just make popcorn for dinner, especially if there is a wee can of pineapple to go along with it.

I have even thought about to returning to the twenty years I spent as a vegan and raw food eater.  I like that way of eating, although it is not the best for my particular body, even with decent supplements.  I am going to eat cleanly as I did on vegan/raw food plans, although the carbs are not going to be there.

Small increase in dark greens and other vegetables.

• I wish it was easier to get all of this without having to cook most of them.  They can all be eaten raw, but as much as I like collard greens and Brussels sprouts, they are not so tasty unless cooked, not to mention much less gassy.
• Since I will not be buying so many heavily carb-ed foods, I can spend some of that on pre-washed and packaged salad and other greens.
• Frozen vegetables have been my back-up because I can have veggies that are out of season when I want to eat them, and frozen vegetables and fruits are often more nutritious than fresh where I live.  We have a short growing season and I do not have a way to preserve any of the bounty we have for so few months.

Fruit.

• Not so important, and a good thing because I will buy fruit and then end up throwing it away when it gets too gross to eat, and yes, I do keep it that long, in the hope that I will actually not end up tossing all that money away.
• I do eat grapes and melon, but they are often outside of my budget, except at the end of summer.  Berries are pretty much past their prime here, despite the slow ending of winter.

Meats.

• Flesh.  I sort of like it, but mostly only if I can cover it with potatoes.  Yeah.
• I have been thinking about this, and I know that I can continue to afford chicken parts from the discount markets, stock up on a few packages of fish when they are on sale, and buy ground beef, probably most every week.
• I can adapt all of my soup favorites to use meat instead of the root vegetables I prefer.  I am already missing them, and wish that I had made potato, kale and hot sausage soup on Sunday instead of taking that nap.  Nice nap, though.  Do not really regret time spent on that nap.
• Truth is that, despite what I just wrote above, I do not like meat all that much.  I have problems with the taste, texture and how animals will be dying by the herds, flocks and gaggles for me now. 
• I can still have bacon, which surprises me.  Even in the best of times, it is too expensive, so I will just have to see.

Other proteins.

• I like eggs, but they do not like me.  If I eat an egg in any form, I shortly experience significant southern hemisphere distress.  The darn things go right through me, just as though they were still in the shell and rolling down the water slide at the park.  I am thinking that, since I was able to eat them a year ago, that I might be able to gradually add them back into my menus a little at a time.  I could try hard boiling them and see if that is any better.
• Beans, pulses, legumes and the like are too carby to keep eating.  Same thing for brown rice, which is really only marginally more nutritious than white rice anyway.  I am already missing like crazy chickpeas/garbanzos and hummus; lentils; black eye peas.  Oh, god, no more beans and smoked hocks or turkey legs.  Still can have greens with them, but still...
• Good-bye grains.  No more wheat or rye, or even spelt.  What is breakfast going to be without steel cut oats and molasses?  Pretty darn grim, that's what.
• Alas, same thing for dairy, although all I eat is sour cream, crema, the occasional queso fresca and key lime yogurt.  I will not miss cheese because it does the same number on me as eggs.  Well, except for the yearly creamed tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches when I get that one, miserable, disgusting upper-respiratory that keeps visiting without invitation.
• I guess I can continue to eat most nuts, especially Brazil, walnuts and macadamias.  I guess almonds are out; I will have to check that because I always carry raw almonds with me, and they are able to get nice almond oil out of them, so maybe they are still good to go.

 Lunches.

• I have to have food with me on at least four days each week.
• I can make salads and top them with leftover meat.
• I can still have home-made salsa on stuff.  Wish I could say the same about sour cream.

I have more planning and cooking ahead for me, but that is not a totally horrible thing, as I know how to do that, although it is no longer one of my favorite things.

And, as I think about it, this really is something I can do.  It certainly is going to support how I care for my diabetes.  All in all, it should be relatively painless and I am guessing that my craving and love-love-love of my current favorite meals will lessen over time, and I will be more comfortable eating well.  Oh, well.

I will be going through all of the foods that no longer serve me, boxing them up and taking them to the shelter with me on Saturday.  Then, after work I will be going to market to buy a fat hen, and maybe some ground beef.  Perhaps that huge bag of chicken wings.  But, no potatoes, chipped or otherwise.  I have to think about what I should be eating instead of what I will be missing, for at least the near future.

As I am figuring my funds availability, this should not be the financial hardship I first thought.  So, I will be fine, and more fit, somewhat more healthy and there might even be public exercise, i.e. that free gym membership that remains unused, in my not too distant future.

Future.  Nice word.  I never think of anything future related.  Tough habit to break and all that jazz.  But, it occurs to me that I may very well have a much brighter personal future than I could expect to have if I keep on eating and living and not having any kind of personal life the way I now do.

Now-new life, look out.  Changes, they are a commin'.

Two more things.  My daughter is still unreachable in any dialogue or change in some of her behaviors towards me.  I continue to swallow it up, waiting for her to stop this crap.  She made it clear that she is behaving particularly benevolent in inviting me up there, and for now I am willing to go along with the fantasy that she is not resenting me all the damn time.  It is my fantasy, too, that something will happen, in the realm of nice.  Besides, seeing her and loving on her and all the guys is the most important thing in my life, so it is all good.

The other thing is that my cell phone was out of range to use the date for which I pay too much, being such a crappy consumer lately, so I went to my Wi-Fi thing and a location blinked on my screen and just as quickly blinked off, and it had FBI in the name.

Now, I am guessing that the FBI most likely would not use those three letters in its network connection name, but it was interesting.  I mentioned it to my daughter and son-in-law, as we were sitting in the living room, conversating (yes) before heading off to bed, and he said that was indeed interesting (he speaks like the engineer he is) and my sweet girl replied that she is not surprised, because of some of the things she researches on the Internet. 

Now, she is writing more these days, and the Internet is the best ever, of all history, way to research anything, and she does have widely ranging interests (being a Republican and all that), and it was a fun addition to our conversation.

Third thing is that I had a great time with the little guys, and I am not going to share any more about that, as I am not feeling like defending myself.  Again. :)