Day...ummm...Day-Satur

I need a sticky postie thing to keep track.

BREAKFAST
celery
guacamole
a couple of dried apricots

LUNCH
1/2 cup of potato salad

DINNER
1 cup of my own trail mix (roasted and salted cashews, dried apricots, raw slivered almonds)
10 cherries

So sad.  Just plain sad.  First of all I forgot that I am avoiding potatoes and some of the stuff that goes in it.  Like commercial mayonnaise, sweet pickles, something else that I cannot remember right now.  That lapse might be worth it because even though it was on the sweet side and I prefer a less saucy and more savory potato salad, it was delicious.  And, I was glad to have it, not having anticipated how long my day would be.

Today was also a long day at the shelter.  Well, I guess since it is almost 1:00 a.m. on Sunday, that would be yesterday.  Anyway, lots of drama, a family conflict (resident and her sister), the sons of another resident going missing.  I found them and they were safe, but, crap, what a mess, especially as the mother did not go looking for them and I had them sitting in the office for more than a half hour, just waiting to see if she would at least start trying to find where the hell they were.  So many challenging circumstances for our women.  More than we have had in a long time, which, in shelter years, is not all that long.  Yep.

However, two women, one of whom as two really nice sons, pitched in and worked their asses off today.  I do not swear at work, so I have to make up for it here.  The woman with the sons cleaned better, more thoroughly than anyone else in the house.  Like ever.  The last time I witnessed that level of cleaning was when I lived there and the person who did that high quality of a job was me.  Yes.  Yes, it was.

Then, we had our fresh food delivery today; we have them every two weeks, and it costs right around $500.00 each time.  It also costs a good hour of really intense and heavy work, getting everything sorted, frozen, refrigerated and put into the dry pantry, as well as stocking two big places in the office.  Those four folk just stepping right up and helped me get that stuff done is short order, well, that short hour. 

I like to reward that kind of effort, especially when it is accompanied by the happiness some people have in being helpful for the good of all of the house.  So, I asked each of them, independently, what they missed from their other life now that they are at our shelter.

The mom knew exactly what she missed.  Eye liner.  Is that not insane, that the one thing that could make her life nicer is a measly eye liner. 

The younger son would not tell me what he missed, but I see him drawing on the blackboard in the children's room, and I asked if he liked art.  Mom said yes, that he did and I asked him what he liked to do.  Draw.  Paint.  Stuff like that.

The older son would not say, either, so I finally told him, shy guy that he is, that if he did not tell me I was still going to get him something and that it might as well be something he would like.  Shyly, he told me earrings.  I asked what kind and he said little ones.  Studs?  I guess.  I corralled his mom later and she was feeling weird about all of this and we talked about how part of my mission there was not only doing the job, but making sure that I was able to be personal when it was appropriate to do so.  Then she told me that he likes a certain kind of square earring.  O.K., baby, more info.  I had to pry every bit of this out of her, but eventually she told me where to go and to say, "I wanted those square earrings that all the boys are wearing."  I went, it worked and the cost was so minor and I bought him a pair of the good Sony ear buds at the pharmacy where I got the stuff for his mom.

Younger son got a really nice and big art bin that was on sale and within my budget.  Older son got the earrings and ear buds.  He was so surprised that I found what he likes, so I had to share that his mother helped me.  He later came down to model them for me.  I cannot remember when I did something like this and it gave me such pleasure.  Little things can mean more than anyone can express.  Their family had to leave without anything and this little thing worked for him.  I feel blessed and humbled by the whole thing.

I found the best ever eyeliner for mom and at the check-out there were the most wonderful nail polishes and she likes nail polish (I am not sure that I really get the whole nail polish thing) and I found two colors that I know she likes and a bottle of top coat. 

The fourth person, another woman, finally told me that she missed her jewelry.  Another simple thing.  I am taking a bunch of the jewelry I have made and she can choose what she likes.  But, she has to wait until tomorrow because I had gone shopping for the other things, realized that I had left my phones at the shelter and since I had to return there, gave out the other stuff.

And, when I came back then, the 2nd shift advocate was not feeling well and I sent her home and stayed until about an hour ago.  So, I had no opportunity to go home for my home-made stuff.

I work again tomorrow, 2nd shift this time, so scheduled so that I can go to church in the morning, but it is kind of clear that I will not be getting up for the service.  Off to wash my face, scrub my teeth and read myself to sleep.  A shower will have to wait until morning...or early afternoon...depending on when I wake up.

Today was not a good eating day, but in my defense, I did not have access to the kind of food I needed.  I have some guac and celery left over for tomorrow and I have a nice tomato and bag of salad to take, and maybe a can of that mushy tuna that I love.  I have meat for breakfast/brunch/whatever.

I am still full of wonder that I am so happy now.  It hardly seems possible, and at the same time it feels so right and like the kind of life I have now is manageable and enduring.  It also hardly seems possible that I made it through to happiness.  Just wonderful.  I know that I have earned this now-new life and it is equally nice that I have earned the right and means to live it as fully, interestingly, carefully and abundantly as I am doing. 

I work next week and then have another week off, except for my shelter job.  Nice. 

a dozen days

BREAKFAST
3 ounces of leftover steak from last night, what was left on the bone.

LUNCH
Nothing.  I was at work and could not leave the lab.

DINNER
6 ounces of broiled cod
3 cups of roasted vegetables (zucchini, yellow squash, carrots, onions, red & green bell peppers)
salad, with red onion and lemon wedges
best decaf coffee ever

The older woman for whom I provide care has returned from that other state where her family lives.  This woman, who is a dear friend, deserves her own post and I will try to do that tomorrow night after work/shelter.  Anyway, I drove to her house and we went out for dinner (the only way that I know she eats relatively well) and then we went grocery shopping for her, another way to monitor what she eats.  She can no longer drive and we are meeting next week with our county's aging specialists to gather resources for her so that she can stay independent for as long as possible.

SNACK
cherries

It is insane how delicious and insanely inexpensive cherries are this year.  I shopped for a few vegetables and fruit and a small on-sale steak and 2 liter bottles of diet white soda when I took my friend shopping.  I have cherries left to take for lunch at work tomorrow, along with guacamole, celery, pickled vegetables and a plum.

I made a serious effort to eat more today.  Instead of carbs (totally amazing home made chewy rolls, as good as home cooked baked potatoes and a bread pudding to completely knock your socks off) at that restaurant, my friend's favorite,  I asked for, and received, an extra portion of the roasted vegetables.  They are very simply roasted in the oven with a little olive oil, a toss of salt, no other seasonings, and are so good. 

We eat there as often as she likes and have never, ever, ever had a bad anything, not even anything mediocre.  Everything is made from scratch, and fresh several times over the day.  My fish was not removed from refrigeration and cooked until I ordered it.  My friend often has duck, but tonight ordered her second favorite, ribs.  They are covered with their own BBQ sauce only after having spent the entire afternoon slowly roasting until the meat is tender enough to eat with just a fork.  Frankly, if I had the resources, I would eat there every week.  That is how good the food is, and the people are really nice, too.
 
It has been a long day, finally ending at 8 p.m. and Mr. Mercedes, Kermit the hero and I are going to bed.  Five comes awfully early.

And, how is it possible for Vincent D'Onofrio to be so cute.  I have such a crush on him.
 

Day elevenith

BREAKFAST
Nothing.  I was fasting for blood tests.  I sort of forgot about it, had dinner at 8:00 last night and woke hungry and almost immediately aware that I had to wait until at least 11:00 a.m.

LUNCH
salad
really good coffee

After my med appointment and tests I went to the bank, just to make sure I had the amount of money I thought was in my checkbook.  There was.  Cool, so I treated myself to lunch at the diner down the street.  It was a small, expensive and kind of measly bowl of stuff.  But, it filled me up and I went to do laundry.

Whilst waiting for wash-rinse-repeat-dry to finish, I had a couple of pieces of dried mango, the last of the stuff I bought last week, along with two squares of 90% cocoa chocolate.  It was fabulous.

DINNER
cherries
slab of beef

This time I ate the whole steak and again was not hungry for anything else.

This still looks like not enough food, but I am really satisfied by what I am eating.  Really, who would have thought that I would begin to enjoy meat so quickly, every day and all that.  I have a couple of pieces of very lean sirloin in the freezer, some cod fillets and lots of salad in the refrigerator, as well as a nice cantaloupe on the counter, because I read something on Yahoo! about the foods that you should not refrigerate because it messes with the antioxidants.  Or something.  Half of that melon will be breakfast before I go to work.

I also bought two more turkey thighs and will roast them tomorrow night for dinner and lunch at work on Saturday. 

Did you know that hot dogs cost as much as nice steak?  Well, they do.  I was going over the receipt for the last shopping trip and, having never actually looked at the shelf price of the hot dogs, I was surprised to find that I could buy real steak for the same price.  Yikes.  I was checking out the ingredients, which are quite healthy, by the way, and never thought to figure out what the cost would be.  I have yet to eat any of them, concentrating on the slab-o-beef, but will take some to work on Sunday.

I just read again what I ate, and it does not seem all that much.  Regardless, it was enough to make me feel well fed.

Oh, and whilst I had no intention of weighing myself, they did so at the clinic today and despite my best efforts I looked at the display on the scale.  So, I will have some idea of what my body mass will make of this new eating.

And, because it was laundry day, two weeks of laundry, and I did not have any clean clothes left, I put on a shirt that I cannot wear because it is too tight.  I have no idea if how it fit me, comfortably and quite loose, is because of the past week and a half, but the darn thing was just fine.  Go figure.

Nothing weird happened today.  That is weird.

Did you know that if you yawn a lot, as I have been doing for the last hour, it means that your brain is too warm?  Really?  Now, I guess that is the weird thing for today, even if it is probably incorrect.

10th Day of healthier eating

BREAKFAST
2 eggs scrambled in such a wee amount of butter that you could not even see it, but it kept the eggs from sticking to the pan

LUNCH
salad
5 ounce can of mushy tuna in oil
2 tablespoons vinaigrette

DINNER
slab of beefsteak
cherries

I might be getting accustomed to eating eggs.  They did not go through me for 4 hours.  All time best.  I have to be able to eat them.

I found a can of some kind of tuna to put on my salad.  It was actually yummy, and I wish that I had thought about using the oil from the can of tuna as the salad dressing.  I am thinking that some black pepper would have been enough seasoning. 

Shortly after eating lunch, breakfast made its exit. 

After work I went to shop at one of the pricier markets.  I was just too tired to wrangle food out of either of the discount markets.  So, spent way too much money for a week's worth of food.  Just a shame.  I came home, cooked the meat and was too tired to cook any vegetables (like it would be so hard to pour a bag of frozen stuff into a pan with some water and let it boil, but it really was too much).  I could have opened a bag of salad, but was too tired to do that either.  So, cherries was my side dish.  They are still beautiful and delicious and at $1.40 a pound, not to be resisted.

Work today was full of mystery.  O.K., not mystery, but I get tired of saying that it was interesting.  My first client is a very nice person, but is not the teeniest bit interested in doing any of the work, and comes in all scattered and I had to make ten...count 'em...10...phone calls to straighten out the mess.  I have shared that since there is reporting of how successful and how much work is being done to work on skills, that the next time we have an appointment, I will not be doing the typing.  I am going to sit there and advise and support.  Hope there is another appointment.

A woman wandered into the library, having been at a vocational ministry that is at the church I attend.  One of the librarians called me over and since the next appointment was forty minutes away, I invited her to work with me right away.  Oh, she had stopped in because one of the other people at the ministry office told her about me.

We started working and she spent a lot of time weeping.  No, I did not make her cry!  What happens is that by the time a person finds there way to our library they are fairly discouraged, not only because of the stress of job searching and not having enough money and all that, but they have not often been treated respectfully by the agencies and centers that proceeded the library visit.

The next appointment did not show up, so we kept working and she left with complete documents, several copies and she will be returning to begin working independently at the job lab. 

It was really nice.

After lunch, our business manager came to ask me for help finding resources for one of the library employees.   The person in need of help is someone that has been seeking me out and visiting my bat cave to talk, and I have been worried about him for some time, as have other employees.  I called my best therapy resource and arranged for him to receive free services, then let our director and the biz manager know what I had done.  I have to say that seeing how everyone there comes together to help each other.  They are what a good work place is supposed to be.  No drama, no competition, just care and support of one another to do the work there.

And, even though I know that I am an outsider, volunteer and all, when they asked me for resources that they knew I could provide, well, I felt like part of the team.  In more than five years, even though I have found my way and forged friendships and a good working relationship with the librarians, this feeling of belonging has never happened to me.  I quite like it.  Should it never happen again, that would be fine, well, not fine, but I have today to hold dear.  I really do quite like it.

I see my internist tomorrow and will be having all kinds of expensive tests for which I do not have the money, but I have been putting this off for nearly a year and it has to be done.  I seem to have a lot of has to be done stuff in my life lately.

On a lighter note, I received my bank statement yesterday, fetched it from the mail box this morning and looked at it during lunchtime.  My rent check for July and August had not been cashed.  I sent it to my landlord a month ago.  Yes, I like paying my bills ahead as much as possible.  I called her and asked if she received it and she told me that she had.  I asked if she had processed it and she said that she had.  I explained about the bank statement and she then said that I had not sent it, but I could hear her going through some papers.  We talked about gardening and tomatoes and how everything seems to be too much work as we get older, and she found my check.  It was still in the envelope, she opened it and said, "Well, there it is.  July and August."  She is so cute, and she found the unopened envelope of one of the other tenants. 

So, my checkbook is balanced, I have just enough money to cover another six weeks of expenses and regular bills, have two made out to drop at the post office tomorrow and hope the grocery money holds out.  I am going to stop lending money to people.  It is that they ask to borrow, but it is not lending to me because it is my expectation that if you are in such financial distress that you need to borrow money from a friend that it is going to be impossible to repay.  Borrowing fills a little hole that can never be properly filled and to pay the money back means that it simply re-creates that same hole.  I think of lending as gifts.  If I cannot afford to let it eventually be a gift situation, that means that I cannot give the money in the first place.  If I consider it a gift on my part, then I never have to be concerned about being getting it back.

Icky doctor visit, laundry and a stop at the bank.  Gosh, I have such a fascinating life.

I wanted to find out if I could post from my phone

It seems that I can.

Healthier eating - Day 9

As though I care any more what day it is.

I am hungry.  I am not accustomed to eating meat and, you know, the whole process of shopping, deciding, hauling it home and eventually cooking it.  Not working.

I took an overnight shift for another advocate, so no cooking yesterday, as I was therapizing, grouping and sleeping.  The shift went well, I met the new women and accomplished so much.  I missed having the house hopping, but all of that quiet was divine for catching up on everything.  When we passed the shift baton this morning, I was asked to do a special in-house project and received a telephone call from one of the upper staff.  She wants me to help coordinate an art show with pieces done by survivors of domestic abuse. This is not going to be easy.

The first reason is that this staff person wants to hold it in the evening at a bar/restaurant, which is really a bar with a couple of tables, although they do make good food, at least they did the one time I was there six years ago.

The problem is that many women are reluctant, if not downright afraid of being outdoors at night.  The second issue is that most of them are either using alcohol and other drugs or are in recovery.  They are all fragile, most particularly those who are trying so hard to stay clean and sober.

So, she is willing to forget about the bar, but still has the desire to hold it at night, at a gallery or some other venue, and she wants the work to be available for sale.  I am not an expert in any of this, but I have juried and curated many exhibits and shows, and this needs to be decided right now, in order for there to be a decent turn-out of people who are willing to support the ideas and willing to spend money.  She want the show/exhibit to be in October.  Got to start now.

Another aspect that I do not want to handle over the telephone (we are texting...gosh, me sending texts, just like a big girl), is that there will be a significant number of women that I might be able to convince to participate, but, hell, we the survivors are vulnerable and that is going to keep many women away from the whole thing.

I mean, think of it.  The shelter sponsors an art show.  Women are convinced to make something and be willing to show it publicly, and then are expected to be there.

That is like exhibiting them for the curiosity and opinions of strangers.

I am thinking that it is a basically good idea, but that the women should not have to self-identify if they do not want to do so.  The staff person has walked the border of exploitation for some of her other projects.  Two that come to mind are bringing in a church group and making the women bake cookies with them.  I might have been the only person who thought that might not work, as our women are finally in a safe place and some of them felt like they were being paraded just to make some church ladies feel like they are doing something wonderful.

The second one is that a local sports group held a fund-raiser-game for the shelter, then brought the money and some desserts to the shelter so that the women could cook a meal to thank them.  That actually is a nice idea, but the staff person's menu ideas were expensive and she thought that the money and/or food was going to magically appear or something.

There are more, but those are the two most recent.  Now, I do not want to be a debbie-downer or a crank or a killjoy or a bitch.  Really.  But, if you want to do something, perhaps, and this is just one of my insane and crazy-bitch ideas, but how about including the women in the shelter in brainstorming and planning what they would be comfortable doing?

No, I guess that is too radical.  Also, way too much work, all that business of being sensitive to what our women are experiencing and what they just survived to be able to come to us.

I really do sound like a bitch.  Totally.  I mean, I have that art program that I run at that social service agency.  I have all of the other stuff I do at the library and at the shelter for enrichment and I so really and truly support anything that helps not only our women and their children, but that brings some kind of money through the door.  That money problem just nibbles and snaps at your heels; you never know when the next money-sucking thing is going to go wrong in that building.  We have been reduced to rationing things like coffee and eggs for crying out loud.

I never complain about this stuff, but it drives me insane.  So, I will do my best to find a gallery that will stay open late for one night.  One turned me down this afternoon, and it was a good friend of mine.  Sigh.  I will find a gallery that will be willing to donate the time and expense of extra hours and maybe allowing the work to hang for a few weeks.  Shit.  I am going to be owing a whole bunch of people a whole bunch of favors.

What the heck did I eat today?

BREAKFAST
I think it was a big salad when I got home this morning.  Or, maybe nothing or something else.  I simply cannot remember

LUNCH
big salad
pickles
chunk of liver sausage

DINNER
celery
snack pack of chunky peanut butter
pickles
radishes

Not enough.  You know, when I am going about having my day, it seems fine, but seeing it on the page here it looks crazy.  I can fix this, or just start fibbing lying about eating more.  I just want to be as clear in mind and intent and practice as I am about being committed to eating more cleanly, which mean a pretty much permanent farewell to breads, grain, beans and that stuff.  Tons and tons of refined carbohydrates made up nearly my entire diet.

I would be so tempted to go back to eating that way, except that I am already feeling better.  Aside from the fruit thing, my digestive system seems to be working better.  I am less tired and sleepy and have not taken a nap this entire time

Today's saddest story is that I never got to cook the meats I bought on Saturday, because of that unusual schedule and all of the out-of-schedule sleeping I have been doing.  I am heartbroken about having to toss that in the trash for pick up tomorrow morning.  Plus, that stuff was supposed to create leftovers that I could take for lunch at work tomorrow.   I have salad stuff.  Maybe there is a can of tuna around.

I had to go look, and I do have a can to toss into the salad, plus a can of artichoke hearts in water, and I am eating a little pack of crunchy peanut butter with a spoon.

This will all work out.  It is a new habit to develop, just like everything else.  Oooooh, peanut butter via a spoon is gaggy.  Ack...hack...hack...erp.  Another habit to develop.

What an angsty day, including the fly that snuck into the house this morning.  Although, I do have to say that it is nice, very nice, to have ordinary problems.  Bitching over.  And, out.  Snore.

Healthier eating - Day...something

It is too early to post, but I am pretty sure that I did not do anything yesterday. 

Monday
BREAKFAST
Nothing

LUNCH
3 healthy hot dogs - they really do exist
salad
2 small, but outstanding tomatoes

DINNER
3 more hot dogs

I worked third shift yesterday, and just got home two hours ago.  So, I had planned on eating out for lunch until I realized that I had to go home and sleep.

I had the salad and tomatoes and a couple of dill pickles.  I was still hungry (and not sleepy), went to the refrigerator to look for something easy and found that package of healthy hot dogs that I bought on Sunday.  I had three of them, with lots more pickles and two antihistamines. 

I went to bed, read for a while and fell asleep.  I managed to stay in bed until 10:00 p.m., but kept waking up, like five or six times.  Finally got up refreshed, washed up, troweled on some makeup and went to work.

I stayed for an extra hour or so to haul a really bad donation out to the trash.  Some of the advocates hate to refuse any donations, but most of what we get is the trashy left-overs from a rummage sale and no one wants any of that stuff and we do not have any place to store stuff even if it was not a pile-o-crap.  More work for us and the city to take this stuff on garbage day, but I guess the person who donates can legitimately take a deduction on their taxes.  It is a messy business all around.

My plan was to eat something (the other little turkey thigh, so gooooood) and then go do the laundry I had planned on doing yesterday afternoon until I realized that I needed the sleep to be able to work all night more than clean BGPs.

Now, having just finished that meat, I am tired and am going to bed.  Thank goodness I have one set of clean clothing and some clean BGPs for work tomorrow.  At least I have breakfast out of the way.  I am feeling great, but I have to find a way to eat more food.