Sunday

Despite my awareness and planning for today, I totally forgot about today's anniversary until I logged-on to read some of my favorites on my blog list.

It is two hours until the day is over and I would have gone to bed to read and sleep without a thought to what I believed would be a significant day for me.

Well, so much for anniversaries, or anticipation for that matter.

I did go to church, but the first reading sent me off considering all of my life's failures and mis-steps, all of the ways that I have not been faithful to who I believed myself to be and, mostly, to all of the ways that I failed as a wife and mother.  So, I guess in one way, it was about the marriage, just not the day I left.

I have been attending the church that my daughter favors.  It is a Catholic church, the worship and education of my childhood and then for a bit in my twenties.  It is more modern that my younger experiences and the prayers are all updated and there is way too much extremely loud/amplified singing.  Actually makes my ears hurt no matter where I sit.  Another thing is that I am still holding the old prayers in my head and whilst I feel motivated to learn the new versions, I am not making any progress with it.  My grandsons like sitting with me, and apparently so do their parents because we sit together.  That part is nice. 

I feel better when I attend regularly, although I am still struggling with believing as I was once able to do.  I do not blame god or anything like that, but I want so dearly to feel the grace and comfort of belief.

So, anyway, there I was, ears pinging and thinking a whole lot about why the priest's sermon about  being fallible creatures bothered me so much.  Part of it was that Tiger Woods was used as the object example of someone who had it all and pissed it away, and is still paying the price for his transgressions, which as a human being are both private and, in his life, very public.  And, I think what bothered me is that I found myself judging the priest (who is probably a nice person, generally) for using that person's name and judging him for his actions and problems.

Dumb.  But, even now it bothers me that what I got out of that sermon is comparing our own messed-up lives by comparison to the messed-up lives of other people seems as though our own messes are comparable to those of other people.

If I fuck up my life, if I make mistakes, it has to do only with me.  And, man, have I done that.  I have made so many choices to do something or not do something that it is staggering.  I was sitting there and thinking that I am going to have to shed myself of all of this eventually, especially if I want a more peaceful life, but sharing all of the stupid and paralyzing behaviors I used to have.  Still have a few. 

It was only yesterday that I was able to go into the basement here to do laundry.  I have a washing machine and dryer for my own to use, but I could not bring myself to take everything down those creepy stairs.  Two months of alternative clothes cleaning.  But, I did it and it was not too bad and I will be able to do it again whenever I like.  Plus, it was light years away from doing laundry in that other life; I never knew then if I would be attacked down there or for having the nerve to wash my crap when he was home.   Lordy.  That really is a life ago.  Factor in that another fear was being trapped down there if the downstairs couple started fighting and I would be unable to leave the basement. 

Nothing bad happened and I am fine, but it illustrates my faith dilemma, in that I still fear new ways or geography of doing things. 

Still, I am going to, have to, eventually confess my failures to someone and I guess a priest is the safest place right now.  When I was a child and young adult the church or its people never helped with any of the bad stuff, even when they knew about what was happening.  Maybe it is about my ability to trust as much as it is about my shame. 

Anyway, I am going to continue to go there and sit and pray and mostly listen, although I might be getting some earplugs to help with the sound system there, at least for my left ear where it seems to bother me most. 

After church I bought groceries I cannot afford and this week I will be going back to the city for group and to have my taxes done, which if I could figure it out would not need to pay someone else to do, another thing I cannot afford.  I am fairly stressed about a lot of things and have filled this week with something every day, my customary avoidance practice.

Well, happy anniversary to the day I left that other life.  Happy anniversary of that first step to actually living.  Yeah.  Yay.