forced

I am nearly, almost, practically out of my meds.  I knew this day was coming, but each week marched past without making any attempt to find a new doctor in, or near, this village.  I did look at the list of doctors recommended by my insurance carrier, but did not call any of the offices.  I also did not look for any doc or clinic not in the book, even though I had to switch insurance plans when I moved.  The new one is better, provides better coverage and the ability to choose medical resources outside of plan, and it is the same price as my old plan.  It also includes drug coverage and I will be paying less for Medicare provisions, saving me fifty dollars/US each month.  Nice.

Well, I ran out of one of my meds over the weekend and made a call yesterday to the office of one of the plan doctors.  They transferred me to someone else, who finally called me back today.  Turns out that the doctor I chose has left the practice since the materials were published at the beginning of this year.

I have an appointment for next week, and being without meds for that time is not a problem.  I was very clear on my needs.  My two health issues, the mental health stuff and that I really needed a female internist because of my PTSD.  We will see what happens next week. 

I was going to request a referral to a psychiatrist or other head doc, but a quick look at my budget informs me that I cannot afford the co-pay my insurance plan has for mental health care.  I did fine in my old city because I was homeless when I started therapy and it was no-cost, and it continued because the organization received a grant to continue beyond the government limits for people like me.  I made donations and provided services to the agency as a way to compensate for the therapy I was receiving, but I cannot do this now.  Nor can I keep driving back to the city once a month for sessions there. 

A conundrum all right.  I need to get creative about this, but I think it will come down to another part-time job.  I am going to start looking on-line tonight.  This village does not have a regular paper, but I should be able to find job listings on some of the aggregators.

What else.  I fell on ice again this morning, whilst walking my grandsons to their bus stop.  I wrestled myself upright and they continued on the sidewalk and I walked in the street, which was ice free.

I can hardly believe that I have never hurt myself in the falls I have had over the past couple of years.  Scrapes, but nothing broken or anything.  I wonder what my bone density is and if I am not yet brittle enough to snap any bones or joints.  Maybe I should bring that up during my doc appointment next week. 

I meet with the folk who are in charge of the money I received from the divorce.  I have no idea what any of it is or how it works or anything. 

I really hate change, even if it is for the better.  I really and truly hate it.  However, I have to do all of this, including the job searching, because I am falling into entropy, apathy and ennui...the trifecta of depression and anxiety supported behaviors.  I am bound by torporness.  I am stuck with a mostly useless vocabulary, save when it comes to everything I am to stuck to move out of.  Grammar suffers.

I found a book whilst noodling around in my library's book catalog.  I thought it might help, but it is about a different aspect of fears and fear inducing behaviors.  Lots of anecdotes about specific fears and how they form the way people behave.  I was hoping that there would be some information that would help me deal more effectively with my triggers.

It is called The Fear Cure, Lissa Rankin, and it is a seriously decent book, but not all that helpful to me.  I like the style and construction and will finish it only because the author is downright heartfelt about what she has to share.  If you suffer from phobias or regular fears, this should help.  For me, I think only more therapy is going to help.  Rats.

Trying to avoid what needs to be done is a mistake.  Oh, so comforting to stay inert, another mistake.