Today I woke thinking that this was going to be a good day and that I should pay attention.
That has never happened to me. Ever. I usually just get up, groove a bit with CoolCat, shake the dream webs off with coffee (I make a damn fine cup) and a quick game of mahjong. Then breakfast, washing dishes and self...in different rooms...trowel on the makeup and get on with whatever has to be done.
I am just not one of those people who plan much. I have a decent schedule, and I turn up where I am supposed to be, with what I need to have, and on time. Sure, I always have in my head that I will do a kick-ass job, but daily plans or affirmations or something of that ilk, never. Not once in my memory. I always give my best and, really, that is enough. What I do not do is any kind of daily plan or focus or anything anywhere within that realm. It seems like overkill planning to me, and my thoughts are that if I start my day, or week, or whenever, with some predetermined focal point, that I will surely miss whatever delights and surprises and challenges the day might offer.
It is part of trying to stay in my conscious as much as possible. Living in the moment means that I am not invested in a plan and that I am open to whatever happens. It is my preference and it works for me.
So, when that complete concept was in my mind, even before coffee, it actually gave me pause. I thought, what the hell. However, I also thought that I would pay careful attention, because what else would I do with such an unusual notion banging around in my noggin.
My first client was a no-show, and when I was at the Reference Desk to let them know that I was available for anyone who needed help, a man came up and I took him back to the bat cave. He was extraordinarily challenging, and we did what we could, and he is coming back next week. I saw his name on the schedule.
And, I thought that maybe he was the thing for which I was to watch. I was wrong.
First client of the afternoon nearly was asked to leave. This was a day of firsts, because I have never been so close to refusing to work with someone. This is a tricky circumstance for me. The only criticism I have ever received at this job is that I am not firm enough with my clients, that I continue to work with people who should be escorted to the door. I cannot do that. People have to really, really prove to me that they are unable to do the work, and I will go to great lengths to make our work productive, even when my client is difficult. That difficulty can be for any of a million reasons, but I figure that many of them end up with me because they have exhausted or ruined their other resources. It seems wrong to just give up on difficult people. However, there are exceptions.
If you fail to show up for your appointments, three times, you can no longer schedule appointments, but you can show up and I will take you if there is an empty appointment slot.
If you use racist or cultural comments and/or slurs, I will let you know that it is not allowed and if you continue, you get to go home. Frankly, if you use any kind of dismissive or abusive terminology against anyone or any group, same consequences. The problem is that our working environment is very safe and supportive and sometimes people forget that they are not talking to someone who holds the same biases. We come to an agreement and move on. I have never had to end a session with anyone over this.
If you fail to take the necessary workshops or classes you need to find work, such as computer keyboarding, or anger management (yeah, happens), or whatever specific thing you need to take care of, then you can come back when you do what you are supposed to do. This includes the clients that are sent to me via the legal or correctional systems. Okey-dokey, hope to see you soon.
If you are rude to the Reference Librarians, even though you are stressed and vulnerable...and we totally get that...you can sincerely apologize to them if you want to work with me. Only one person has ever refused to apologize. And, you know, maybe it is not my business to be the apology police, but civility and common courtesy have gotten lost somewhere, and someone has to do it. Our Librarians take a stunning amount of crap from some of our patrons, and whilst they cannot say anything, when it involves people who want to work with me, I am perfectly happy to share with them that everyone deserves respect. Everyone.
Afternoon client should have been asked to leave, but I just could not do it. She is the most scattered person with whom I have ever worked. Her issues are greater than simply needing a job, although there is nothing simple about employment issues. She managed to collect her thoughts after a bit, and so I am willing to have her return. We were not able to complete any of the documents she needs, and job searching on her own is somewhere in the future, but she took home the work I gave her and she made an appointment for next week. I can only hope for the ability and patience to help her as much as possible.
I take seriously my responsibility to this work. It means more to me than lots of other things that are supposed to hold more meaning. I need to do this work as much as people need to have me help them. That feels like bragging or, even worse, hubris, and maybe it is. I suspect that I am too close to this to have much perspective. The work that we do together is important to both of us. I think, sometimes, that having me to simply listen whilst they get divest themselves
But, she was that thing for which I was supposed to pay attention. I am glad that I was.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
over
I am so grateful for being able to start a new week, fresh from all of my stupidity last week. Sometimes I wonder how many actual functioning brain cells I have.
Allrighty, I guess it was mostly that stupid phone stuff. When I found that I had a defective minutes card it threw me totally off balance. It was my own fault for waiting so long to add the minutes to my phone. And, it is interesting to look back on those several days to see how panicked I was. Even in the moment that was relatively easy to acknowledge, but I think my reaction is about so much more.
Poor customer service on the cell phone company's part aside, I was not able to step back and find the reasonable part of me that helps me to avoid acting like a crazy person most of the time, and particularly helps me with my clients. I have to admit that helping others is so much easier than helping myself. Same thing goes for standing up for someone else, but that is part of the entire construct, at least it is for me.
I can be an advocate for just about anyone else, but when it came to my own problem last week, well, I was a total fail. Sure, the issue was resolved, but there was no part of my better-self, my higher intention or any connection with anything except for nearly hysterical panic. Shame wanted to make me ignore the entire issue, but that feeling is always a pretty good indication that I should be writing and getting all of it out on the page. So, that is what I did. Externalized those fears in a way that has allowed me to analyze them and, hopefully, to learn from the experience instead of simply waiting for the next difficult situation to unnerve me.
Last week was a huge set-back in terms of crafting this new life. Even whilst it was happening, I felt discouraged about how helpless I felt to just stop, take a couple of breaths and behave more, gosh, maybe calm or adult or reasonable or something. But, I could not do that. I was stuck in being fully invested in the panic and fear where my resources are concerned. It is fair to say that I was completely irrational, not concerning the inability of the phone company employees to help me with their company's defective product, but in my ability to just calm the fuck down and come at this problem from a more helpful direction.
Unfortunately, I allowed my fears about my resources to take precedence over my decent nature and good sense. When something like this happens with one of my clients I am the calm and collected person the situation or circumstance requires. But, to do that, be that for myself seemed impossible once I was caught in the panic.
That situation may well be the most important opportunity to learn about myself that I have had in a very long time.
The truth is that the conversations could have been less stressful for everyone involved, and may even have not had such a fair resolution, but it could have gone less productively, and I will never know, because my time machine is broken, again, and there is not going back to try it differently.
It is my hope that the next time I am feeling vulnerable, that I will be able to recall this most recent problem and apply some of what I have learned from it. I have been on the receiving side of customer dissatisfaction issues, a position that I find more comfortable. Those things give me a chance to flex my problem and conflict resolution skills. I find them challenging and energizing and have been fortunate to bring them to success.
It is my hope that even if the problem does not move to good resolution for everyone involved, that the person or entity who is the catalyst to my distress will come away from our time together thinking that I am the nicest, most calm, most reasonable and decent person with whom they have had contact. I am able to do that most of the time, although this recent situation was a trigger for all kinds of insecurities over which I still need to become master, and because I am not even remotely proud of the person I was last week.
Allrighty, I guess it was mostly that stupid phone stuff. When I found that I had a defective minutes card it threw me totally off balance. It was my own fault for waiting so long to add the minutes to my phone. And, it is interesting to look back on those several days to see how panicked I was. Even in the moment that was relatively easy to acknowledge, but I think my reaction is about so much more.
Poor customer service on the cell phone company's part aside, I was not able to step back and find the reasonable part of me that helps me to avoid acting like a crazy person most of the time, and particularly helps me with my clients. I have to admit that helping others is so much easier than helping myself. Same thing goes for standing up for someone else, but that is part of the entire construct, at least it is for me.
I can be an advocate for just about anyone else, but when it came to my own problem last week, well, I was a total fail. Sure, the issue was resolved, but there was no part of my better-self, my higher intention or any connection with anything except for nearly hysterical panic. Shame wanted to make me ignore the entire issue, but that feeling is always a pretty good indication that I should be writing and getting all of it out on the page. So, that is what I did. Externalized those fears in a way that has allowed me to analyze them and, hopefully, to learn from the experience instead of simply waiting for the next difficult situation to unnerve me.
Last week was a huge set-back in terms of crafting this new life. Even whilst it was happening, I felt discouraged about how helpless I felt to just stop, take a couple of breaths and behave more, gosh, maybe calm or adult or reasonable or something. But, I could not do that. I was stuck in being fully invested in the panic and fear where my resources are concerned. It is fair to say that I was completely irrational, not concerning the inability of the phone company employees to help me with their company's defective product, but in my ability to just calm the fuck down and come at this problem from a more helpful direction.
Unfortunately, I allowed my fears about my resources to take precedence over my decent nature and good sense. When something like this happens with one of my clients I am the calm and collected person the situation or circumstance requires. But, to do that, be that for myself seemed impossible once I was caught in the panic.
That situation may well be the most important opportunity to learn about myself that I have had in a very long time.
The truth is that the conversations could have been less stressful for everyone involved, and may even have not had such a fair resolution, but it could have gone less productively, and I will never know, because my time machine is broken, again, and there is not going back to try it differently.
It is my hope that the next time I am feeling vulnerable, that I will be able to recall this most recent problem and apply some of what I have learned from it. I have been on the receiving side of customer dissatisfaction issues, a position that I find more comfortable. Those things give me a chance to flex my problem and conflict resolution skills. I find them challenging and energizing and have been fortunate to bring them to success.
It is my hope that even if the problem does not move to good resolution for everyone involved, that the person or entity who is the catalyst to my distress will come away from our time together thinking that I am the nicest, most calm, most reasonable and decent person with whom they have had contact. I am able to do that most of the time, although this recent situation was a trigger for all kinds of insecurities over which I still need to become master, and because I am not even remotely proud of the person I was last week.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
fone
Well, the phone thing is fixed. I faxed. They fixed.
I found a place yesterday afternoon, after mentoring and laundry. I was on my way, quite out of my way, to the office supply store when I realized that we have a public-use fax machine at our library.
I am such a macaroon.
Around the block and back towards home.
Today I was working with a client (at the same library where I faxed...I am a whole box of macaroons) when my phone made a noise. Not sure what it is supposed to be, but it alerts me when a call comes in and I have muffled the ringer. No, that is not right. What the heck is that called? I muted the phone. Yeah. The call was from the fone company and they left a voice mail. I grabbed a pen and started to write the number they wanted me to call and gave me a code/extension number and said that I had two weeks before the code/extension number expired.
Unfortunately, I could only understand, even after three listens, the first three numbers and the code/extension number. So, I did what any normal macaroon would do and I called the number that was on my caller I.D.
Thirty minutes, two disconnections and four people who I had trouble understanding later, I finally spoke to a woman who told me that they had restored the minutes for which I had paid. I could barely hear her and she said that was because there was a problem with her phone and I asked if she could transfer me to someone else and she said that she could not and I am sitting there, images of the minutes rolling off somewhere and she finally asked me if there was anything else she could do for me and if I wanted to purchase more minutes. Ummm, no. She asked me why, and I am sitting there wondering what the heck is going on, why is she asking me when the the whole mess is about a defective minutes card. In the first place. Man.
So, by this time, that half-hour gone, I said no thank you. And, then she tells me about how good their service is, and I am sitting there thinking the truth is that this sort of mess is a fluke, so I kind of get that she is trying to be nice to a customer who had a problem. But, she would not quit and I struggled to understand what she was saying and between the connection and her accent, that was simply not going to happen. Finally, I thanked her and she said "O.K." and the conversation was over and I disconnected.
A minute later my phone rang and it was the same fone company number, so I answered and it was a woman, I think, who said that we had been disconnected and I explained that it was fine, that I had finally connected with someone and it turned out to be the same, last woman who had not finished her sales pitch. I said that was fine, but I was not interested. She persisted and I told her that when my current balance of minutes was used, that I would probably be finding a new provider, and that we needed to end the conversation because all of this was eating up my minutes.
So, she said that she was crediting my account with fifteen minutes to compensate and I thanked her and I said "good-bye" and she told me to have a nice day. When I checked the minutes, she had credited me with fifty minutes and I nearly called back to correct it to the half hour and, well, I just gave up. I get an extra half hour and they do not have to deal with me again. I am certain that this makes them exponentially happier than I am.
My life is so stupid.
Except that I had wonderful clients today. I can hardly express what a blessing these people are for me. One is a man who comes most weeks and I help him use the computer and we have virtually exhausted the companies in our city that are hiring. He has had many interviews, including three call-backs for interviews with the same company. The job for which he applied was an in-house hire, but someone is looking at résumés, or passing his information to other departments, because the last two interviews were for different jobs with that company. The interview was on Monday and they promised to contact him, one way or the other, within two weeks.
Were it in my power, he would be already working somewhere. He is working harder at finding a job than anyone with whom I have worked. He deserves to have a meaningful job. There are so many people who deserve that, to be employed and able to take care of themselves and their families. Man, they better hire him.
My work is so frustrating some days. I spend time most days researching jobs here at home, because job listings change all the time, often within hours, and I stress that we might be missing a posting. I pass them on via e-mail to my clients. I am not saying that constant vigilance is going to make any kind of difference, but to work with people who happen to be unemployed of often just plain heartbreaking. Another man this afternoon told me that last night he prayed that I would be a nice person. He said that he had gone somewhere else and they were dismissive of him because of his inexperience using a computer and he thought it also had something to do with his age.
He is probably right. Just makes me ill. I am trying so hard tonight to not be sad and discouraged. About anything. CoolCat and I have a home. Not much more than that, but we really have everything we absolutely need. We are not homeless. We have not experience a tornado or violence or extreme illness or disability. I know how lucky we are, and I do not take anything for granted. You know, I do not need to fix anything, but I would like to make a difference. Most days. I think I do that. Most days.
I carry these people, this work home with me. I try to avoid attachments to people and their problems, but sometimes the comparison with how they struggle and how good my life is shames me sometimes. I do have balance and perspective, but there has to be some kind of solutions to all of this unemployment. This stuff keeps me up at night.
I found a place yesterday afternoon, after mentoring and laundry. I was on my way, quite out of my way, to the office supply store when I realized that we have a public-use fax machine at our library.
I am such a macaroon.
Around the block and back towards home.
Today I was working with a client (at the same library where I faxed...I am a whole box of macaroons) when my phone made a noise. Not sure what it is supposed to be, but it alerts me when a call comes in and I have muffled the ringer. No, that is not right. What the heck is that called? I muted the phone. Yeah. The call was from the fone company and they left a voice mail. I grabbed a pen and started to write the number they wanted me to call and gave me a code/extension number and said that I had two weeks before the code/extension number expired.
Unfortunately, I could only understand, even after three listens, the first three numbers and the code/extension number. So, I did what any normal macaroon would do and I called the number that was on my caller I.D.
Thirty minutes, two disconnections and four people who I had trouble understanding later, I finally spoke to a woman who told me that they had restored the minutes for which I had paid. I could barely hear her and she said that was because there was a problem with her phone and I asked if she could transfer me to someone else and she said that she could not and I am sitting there, images of the minutes rolling off somewhere and she finally asked me if there was anything else she could do for me and if I wanted to purchase more minutes. Ummm, no. She asked me why, and I am sitting there wondering what the heck is going on, why is she asking me when the the whole mess is about a defective minutes card. In the first place. Man.
So, by this time, that half-hour gone, I said no thank you. And, then she tells me about how good their service is, and I am sitting there thinking the truth is that this sort of mess is a fluke, so I kind of get that she is trying to be nice to a customer who had a problem. But, she would not quit and I struggled to understand what she was saying and between the connection and her accent, that was simply not going to happen. Finally, I thanked her and she said "O.K." and the conversation was over and I disconnected.
A minute later my phone rang and it was the same fone company number, so I answered and it was a woman, I think, who said that we had been disconnected and I explained that it was fine, that I had finally connected with someone and it turned out to be the same, last woman who had not finished her sales pitch. I said that was fine, but I was not interested. She persisted and I told her that when my current balance of minutes was used, that I would probably be finding a new provider, and that we needed to end the conversation because all of this was eating up my minutes.
So, she said that she was crediting my account with fifteen minutes to compensate and I thanked her and I said "good-bye" and she told me to have a nice day. When I checked the minutes, she had credited me with fifty minutes and I nearly called back to correct it to the half hour and, well, I just gave up. I get an extra half hour and they do not have to deal with me again. I am certain that this makes them exponentially happier than I am.
My life is so stupid.
Except that I had wonderful clients today. I can hardly express what a blessing these people are for me. One is a man who comes most weeks and I help him use the computer and we have virtually exhausted the companies in our city that are hiring. He has had many interviews, including three call-backs for interviews with the same company. The job for which he applied was an in-house hire, but someone is looking at résumés, or passing his information to other departments, because the last two interviews were for different jobs with that company. The interview was on Monday and they promised to contact him, one way or the other, within two weeks.
Were it in my power, he would be already working somewhere. He is working harder at finding a job than anyone with whom I have worked. He deserves to have a meaningful job. There are so many people who deserve that, to be employed and able to take care of themselves and their families. Man, they better hire him.
My work is so frustrating some days. I spend time most days researching jobs here at home, because job listings change all the time, often within hours, and I stress that we might be missing a posting. I pass them on via e-mail to my clients. I am not saying that constant vigilance is going to make any kind of difference, but to work with people who happen to be unemployed of often just plain heartbreaking. Another man this afternoon told me that last night he prayed that I would be a nice person. He said that he had gone somewhere else and they were dismissive of him because of his inexperience using a computer and he thought it also had something to do with his age.
He is probably right. Just makes me ill. I am trying so hard tonight to not be sad and discouraged. About anything. CoolCat and I have a home. Not much more than that, but we really have everything we absolutely need. We are not homeless. We have not experience a tornado or violence or extreme illness or disability. I know how lucky we are, and I do not take anything for granted. You know, I do not need to fix anything, but I would like to make a difference. Most days. I think I do that. Most days.
I carry these people, this work home with me. I try to avoid attachments to people and their problems, but sometimes the comparison with how they struggle and how good my life is shames me sometimes. I do have balance and perspective, but there has to be some kind of solutions to all of this unemployment. This stuff keeps me up at night.
Monday, May 20, 2013
phone
You know, if my life ever settles down and I run out of things about which to complain, well, I am not sure what I will do with all of that spare time. Like, hours and hours each day. Multiplied by weeks and years, man, that is a lot of time to fill.
In the meantime, I have one of those phones that you just keep adding minutes and then use them up and add more. It is a great system, even when you fall on the ice, break your phone (was in my purse and it hit just right and ended up in pieces that could not be reassembled) and a couple, three, bones in your foot.
Replacing the phone was easy, including having the tech support people transfer my minutes and telephone number to the new phone. Way cool. I added minutes at that time because I was in the store and it was convenient and I just happened to have enough extra cash to do so.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a new minutes card and finally got around to adding the minutes to my phone. Truthfully, it is only because I noticed that there were only 59 minutes remaining that I thought about it. So, I united phone and card and scraped off the security code on the back.
Except, only 4 of the 20 numbers could be read. What the frakkity-frak? So, I found the contact number and called, explained my predicament and, 28 minutes later, the only way that they would consider helping me...no any actual promise...is if I fax the front and back of the defective minutes card, the receipt, the serial number of the phone and my name.
I do not have a fax. I do not have access to a fax, and I asked for some kind of alternative way to get that information to them. E-mail? No. Send photocopies through the regular mail? No.
So, I am off tomorrow to find a place to fax everything, the photocopies of those things as well as a letter to them. I will not share the part of the letter that details yesterday's experience and my admiration for their tech support people and the supervisor to whom I spoke.
But, there is something that they do not understand or know about the majority of their customers.
I know that those folk are just like me, using that company's phone and minutes because they simply do not have any resources that would allow them to use a decent phone and plan. We cannot afford a Jitterbug or Consumer Cellular product. We cannot go to AT&T or USCellular or T-Mobile or Cricket or any other provider.
So, Trakfone, I would like to share some information with you.
Many of us:
And, lest you think me unsympathetic to the fraud and loss-prevention issues experienced by companies, your included, I am not stupid or unsympathetic. I have a retail and social service background and I am well aware of how some people will go out of their way to totally rip you off.
I also understand that you have absolutely no way of knowing that I am not one of those people, especially since the defective minutes card causing all of this angst is the most expensive one you sell.
But, you have to help me regain those minutes, because I simply cannot afford to lose the $80.26, plus tax, I spent to get those 900 minutes that you have yet to decide if my documentation will change your mind about responsibly dealing with your defective minutes card. I had to save to buy that card.
Of course, not all of that would fit on the single sheet of paper that carries my letter to them. One page of letter, one page of photocopies of everything else is probably going to use up the rest of my cash for the week. Actually, it will most likely cost me only $3-4, and I do have more cash than that. All that really means is that I will be making salad dressing instead of buying a bottle of my favorite from the market.
But...but...but, this is about much more than my stupid phone and the not-stupid, but still unhelpful company who runs the plan.
This entire experience, all 28.24 minutes of it, has been a real eye-opener for me, a person who has held the belief that the past couple of years, decades truly, have opened my eyes as open as it is possible for eyes to be.
If I am struggling this much with my resources, then the difficulty and lack of help for others must be exponentially greater than I ever imagined.
What if you did not have enough money to put minutes in your phone until you were nearly out, and if you get a defective card like I did, you do not have enough minutes to call them or search around for a place to make photocopies and send faxes?
What if, like one of my clients last week, you finally get your food support card and go to the store, buy groceries and then have them stolen from another resident of the shelter where you live?
What if you are like the woman I see at the library and who I see walking past my flat on the days when I am home and happen to be looking out of or near a window and she catches my eye, and about whom I recently learned that she is cast out of her brother's house every day because she is developmentally disabled and his wife is tired of dealing with her when he is not here?
What about all of the people, just here in my community, who do not have a portion of the resources I have? I struggle and I worry about paying my bills and my rent and buying enough food each month, without the extra stress of falling ill or needing to take CoolCat to the vet or when that piece of crap car breaks down again, but all of that is minor when compared to this city, full of people for whom life is a much greater worry.
Even in the midst of the phone mess I had the awareness that this problem is not the end of my world, that I am so fortunate to have come away from my other life as well as I have and that I truly do not have anything about which I have any reason to complain. Big picture, this phone mess is just a small inconvenience. And, this is greatly informing me that I should be paying more and better attention to of more issues regarding the people I am trying to help at my library gig and the shelters.
This kind of thing touches and makes tremble an array and range of societal issues that may never be solved, but need the best of intentions and the best efforts of all of us if we are to have any sense of pride or responsibility or connection to others in the place where we live. I care about the whole world, I really do, it is just that the only difference I can make, am capable of making, is right here, where I live, with the people who enter my sphere of awareness. And, hopefully my help should that be possible.
I find it amazing that something as relatively insignificant as the bother this phone is causing me just brings me back around, so circular in my experiences and how I continue to grow and survive. It is not so much that I no longer feel alone, I feel connected. Yeah, connected, something I never had the chance to be. I like it. It carries responsibility, but I like that, too. I am pretty much like just about every part of this new life.
In a world of heartbreak and terrorism, disasters both intentional and natural, broken lives and families and spirits, I have a good life and it is in my best interest to not waste what I have and can share.
And, all it took was a defective minutes card to open my eyes, and more importantly, my heart.
In the meantime, I have one of those phones that you just keep adding minutes and then use them up and add more. It is a great system, even when you fall on the ice, break your phone (was in my purse and it hit just right and ended up in pieces that could not be reassembled) and a couple, three, bones in your foot.
Replacing the phone was easy, including having the tech support people transfer my minutes and telephone number to the new phone. Way cool. I added minutes at that time because I was in the store and it was convenient and I just happened to have enough extra cash to do so.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a new minutes card and finally got around to adding the minutes to my phone. Truthfully, it is only because I noticed that there were only 59 minutes remaining that I thought about it. So, I united phone and card and scraped off the security code on the back.
Except, only 4 of the 20 numbers could be read. What the frakkity-frak? So, I found the contact number and called, explained my predicament and, 28 minutes later, the only way that they would consider helping me...no any actual promise...is if I fax the front and back of the defective minutes card, the receipt, the serial number of the phone and my name.
I do not have a fax. I do not have access to a fax, and I asked for some kind of alternative way to get that information to them. E-mail? No. Send photocopies through the regular mail? No.
So, I am off tomorrow to find a place to fax everything, the photocopies of those things as well as a letter to them. I will not share the part of the letter that details yesterday's experience and my admiration for their tech support people and the supervisor to whom I spoke.
But, there is something that they do not understand or know about the majority of their customers.
I know that those folk are just like me, using that company's phone and minutes because they simply do not have any resources that would allow them to use a decent phone and plan. We cannot afford a Jitterbug or Consumer Cellular product. We cannot go to AT&T or USCellular or T-Mobile or Cricket or any other provider.
So, Trakfone, I would like to share some information with you.
Many of us:
- Have and use your phones because we cannot afford any other phone plans.
- Lack the discretionary income to just buy minutes for our phones any old time we like. We have to save our money in order to keep our phones filled.
- The reason is that we lack the ordinary resources that ordinary people take for granted. Even the most frugal among us have a little bit of cash that they do not have to stress about using. Some of us who have income just over the upper limits for receiving social service support still need to have a phone. Some of us are the chronically underemployed, are in recovery (bless their hearts) and/or are homeless and living in shelters or are using the resources they have to take care of other family members. Another segment of your customers, and I am guessing that there are fewer of us than the other segments are people like me. Women like me, who are survivors of domestic abuse, and who have little or nothing because what we have is just what we managed to grab as we fled our abusers. For me that means a few clothes and my cat. Surviving should be enough, I guess, but it not always is.
- Do not have facsimile machines, which is the actual name for fax machines, which I know because I have worked in businesses that use them. We do not own them or have access to them, and I suspect that most of your customers do not have the extra cash to throw around on faxing fees, should they be fortunate to find one.
- Your tech support woman, the one who told me that her best advice to me was to contact the store where I bought the minutes card and ask to return or exchange it for a minutes card that is not defective. Shame. Not for the lack of ability to help me, but for knowing that the minutes card could not be returned or exchanged because she knows all of your policies perfectly. And, because I trusted her I did exactly that and called the store.
- Cannot afford to waste the 23.01 minutes with your tech support people, which is partly my fault for asking twice to speak to someone who might be able to help me or help me find an alternative way to help myself. We also cannot afford the extra 5.23 minutes on a cruel wild-goose-chase calling a store that your representative absolutely knows is unable to help me because if they want to sell your products they have to abide by your rules and policies. All of which your tech support woman knew.
And, lest you think me unsympathetic to the fraud and loss-prevention issues experienced by companies, your included, I am not stupid or unsympathetic. I have a retail and social service background and I am well aware of how some people will go out of their way to totally rip you off.
I also understand that you have absolutely no way of knowing that I am not one of those people, especially since the defective minutes card causing all of this angst is the most expensive one you sell.
But, you have to help me regain those minutes, because I simply cannot afford to lose the $80.26, plus tax, I spent to get those 900 minutes that you have yet to decide if my documentation will change your mind about responsibly dealing with your defective minutes card. I had to save to buy that card.
Of course, not all of that would fit on the single sheet of paper that carries my letter to them. One page of letter, one page of photocopies of everything else is probably going to use up the rest of my cash for the week. Actually, it will most likely cost me only $3-4, and I do have more cash than that. All that really means is that I will be making salad dressing instead of buying a bottle of my favorite from the market.
But...but...but, this is about much more than my stupid phone and the not-stupid, but still unhelpful company who runs the plan.
This entire experience, all 28.24 minutes of it, has been a real eye-opener for me, a person who has held the belief that the past couple of years, decades truly, have opened my eyes as open as it is possible for eyes to be.
If I am struggling this much with my resources, then the difficulty and lack of help for others must be exponentially greater than I ever imagined.
What if you did not have enough money to put minutes in your phone until you were nearly out, and if you get a defective card like I did, you do not have enough minutes to call them or search around for a place to make photocopies and send faxes?
What if, like one of my clients last week, you finally get your food support card and go to the store, buy groceries and then have them stolen from another resident of the shelter where you live?
What if you are like the woman I see at the library and who I see walking past my flat on the days when I am home and happen to be looking out of or near a window and she catches my eye, and about whom I recently learned that she is cast out of her brother's house every day because she is developmentally disabled and his wife is tired of dealing with her when he is not here?
What about all of the people, just here in my community, who do not have a portion of the resources I have? I struggle and I worry about paying my bills and my rent and buying enough food each month, without the extra stress of falling ill or needing to take CoolCat to the vet or when that piece of crap car breaks down again, but all of that is minor when compared to this city, full of people for whom life is a much greater worry.
Even in the midst of the phone mess I had the awareness that this problem is not the end of my world, that I am so fortunate to have come away from my other life as well as I have and that I truly do not have anything about which I have any reason to complain. Big picture, this phone mess is just a small inconvenience. And, this is greatly informing me that I should be paying more and better attention to of more issues regarding the people I am trying to help at my library gig and the shelters.
This kind of thing touches and makes tremble an array and range of societal issues that may never be solved, but need the best of intentions and the best efforts of all of us if we are to have any sense of pride or responsibility or connection to others in the place where we live. I care about the whole world, I really do, it is just that the only difference I can make, am capable of making, is right here, where I live, with the people who enter my sphere of awareness. And, hopefully my help should that be possible.
I find it amazing that something as relatively insignificant as the bother this phone is causing me just brings me back around, so circular in my experiences and how I continue to grow and survive. It is not so much that I no longer feel alone, I feel connected. Yeah, connected, something I never had the chance to be. I like it. It carries responsibility, but I like that, too. I am pretty much like just about every part of this new life.
In a world of heartbreak and terrorism, disasters both intentional and natural, broken lives and families and spirits, I have a good life and it is in my best interest to not waste what I have and can share.
And, all it took was a defective minutes card to open my eyes, and more importantly, my heart.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
no to the third
I met some friends for coffee this morning. Turned into breakfast, which was nice, except for the edge of my sleeve that kept dipping into the gravy on my biscuits. Soggy sleeve, interesting art project on my blouse.
One of my friends does not drive because owning a car is too expensive. Very frugal, that girl. She has a standard and sticks to it. Another of her practices is that the rest of us get to drive her around. So, anyway, eating is pretty much done, although there was still plenty of refreshing beverages to be enjoyed, and she asks who wants to take her on her errands today. No one said anything. Man. I almost jumped in to offer, but then I realized that not answering, not saying yay or nay, is what the rest of them do, like all the time. Those other magnificent babes have that sort of thing covered, and I never noticed it before, probably because I would do the whole jumping in and offering thing. I am slightly less dumb than I was yesterday.
Thus encouraged, I decided to drive to Walmart, my favorite place to shop. Low prices, nice people, and I get to drool over the art and crafts stuff. So much fun. I found the stuff I need and a nice set of oil pastels that I can pair with a great drawing pad for an end of the year gift for my mentee. We have only three weeks left before school ends for the summer. Sometimes we read together, sometimes we chat, but mostly we draw. And, draw and draw and then do some more drawing. My mentee is a sweetie and I love spending time together. Oh, and the pastels was a big set for only $4.00. Yay.
When I left the store, I was nearly struck by a car that popped into gear and backed up. I jumped back, as did another woman with a cart, and she took off and I stepped back and to the side to wait for the guy to finish. This part is funny. He pulled partially out of his parking space and began to drive forward, directly towards me. I moved out of the way and again stayed out of his way. He again backed up and the other woman yelled at him, about how he did not even look before backing up. He just stared at her and when he pulled alongside where I was waiting in a safety zone, he slowed down and screamed "bitch" at me as he pulled away. Go, Speed Racer! It is funny, and a happy ending as well, because I did not need to be scraped off of the parking lot and my tomato cages and mixing bowls did not get smashed. Yay, tomato cages.
The best part is a couple of opportunities to say 'no' to devolving to bad behavior, crappy responses. Just another way to say 'yes' to being a nice person.
I feel strong today. I think that it is connected to taking the risk in sending off the application and all that. I really want it, although I will not be knocked down if it does not work out. I did my part and the rest is, well, I guess it is out of my hands now.
It has been difficult to let go of anything from my other life, you know, stuff. Part of that is that I came out of that life with not much stuff and it is just the teeniest bit uncomfortable or something using the couple of dishes and some towels that I have from then. Even with a tight budget I am gradually getting rid of anything that holds memory. I would not have thought that dishes and forks and spoons could have any sad memories attached, but they do. Go figure. I have not yet opened the boxes or tossed the old stuff, but I have new plates, bowls and flatware. The dishes are clear glass and it was not until I brought them in the house that their clarity took on some significance. Crazy. Tomorrow, I guess that is today as it is nearly the time that I usually get up, the old crap goes into a box for the charity shop. I seriously thought about tossing all of it, but it will not carry any bad mojo for whomever ends up with it.
When I got home, I had a nice conversation with the woman who lives in the back-flat with her sons. We are both gardening here and we are going to share what we grow and maybe preserve some of the tomatoes at the end of the season.
Then, CoolCat and I sat out on the porch. I read and he complained in his carrier. Next trip out I will be getting a small crate so that he can see more, groove more, out there on the porch. Yay.
One of my friends does not drive because owning a car is too expensive. Very frugal, that girl. She has a standard and sticks to it. Another of her practices is that the rest of us get to drive her around. So, anyway, eating is pretty much done, although there was still plenty of refreshing beverages to be enjoyed, and she asks who wants to take her on her errands today. No one said anything. Man. I almost jumped in to offer, but then I realized that not answering, not saying yay or nay, is what the rest of them do, like all the time. Those other magnificent babes have that sort of thing covered, and I never noticed it before, probably because I would do the whole jumping in and offering thing. I am slightly less dumb than I was yesterday.
Thus encouraged, I decided to drive to Walmart, my favorite place to shop. Low prices, nice people, and I get to drool over the art and crafts stuff. So much fun. I found the stuff I need and a nice set of oil pastels that I can pair with a great drawing pad for an end of the year gift for my mentee. We have only three weeks left before school ends for the summer. Sometimes we read together, sometimes we chat, but mostly we draw. And, draw and draw and then do some more drawing. My mentee is a sweetie and I love spending time together. Oh, and the pastels was a big set for only $4.00. Yay.
When I left the store, I was nearly struck by a car that popped into gear and backed up. I jumped back, as did another woman with a cart, and she took off and I stepped back and to the side to wait for the guy to finish. This part is funny. He pulled partially out of his parking space and began to drive forward, directly towards me. I moved out of the way and again stayed out of his way. He again backed up and the other woman yelled at him, about how he did not even look before backing up. He just stared at her and when he pulled alongside where I was waiting in a safety zone, he slowed down and screamed "bitch" at me as he pulled away. Go, Speed Racer! It is funny, and a happy ending as well, because I did not need to be scraped off of the parking lot and my tomato cages and mixing bowls did not get smashed. Yay, tomato cages.
The best part is a couple of opportunities to say 'no' to devolving to bad behavior, crappy responses. Just another way to say 'yes' to being a nice person.
I feel strong today. I think that it is connected to taking the risk in sending off the application and all that. I really want it, although I will not be knocked down if it does not work out. I did my part and the rest is, well, I guess it is out of my hands now.
It has been difficult to let go of anything from my other life, you know, stuff. Part of that is that I came out of that life with not much stuff and it is just the teeniest bit uncomfortable or something using the couple of dishes and some towels that I have from then. Even with a tight budget I am gradually getting rid of anything that holds memory. I would not have thought that dishes and forks and spoons could have any sad memories attached, but they do. Go figure. I have not yet opened the boxes or tossed the old stuff, but I have new plates, bowls and flatware. The dishes are clear glass and it was not until I brought them in the house that their clarity took on some significance. Crazy. Tomorrow, I guess that is today as it is nearly the time that I usually get up, the old crap goes into a box for the charity shop. I seriously thought about tossing all of it, but it will not carry any bad mojo for whomever ends up with it.
When I got home, I had a nice conversation with the woman who lives in the back-flat with her sons. We are both gardening here and we are going to share what we grow and maybe preserve some of the tomatoes at the end of the season.
Then, CoolCat and I sat out on the porch. I read and he complained in his carrier. Next trip out I will be getting a small crate so that he can see more, groove more, out there on the porch. Yay.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
uneven
That has been my day. Yesterday was great, so was Tuesday. Monday was a doctor appointment...sucked. But today was just plain weird.
I started the day with paying bills. I have spent nearly every cent I have on legal fees, with absolutely no benefit. Another $1500 today, but, really, who is counting. Uh, me. Also paid my Internet bill. If it comes to having to cut something out of my budget, it will be the car, and not my connection. I can take the bus or walk, but it is not possible to do work for my employment clients without having on-line access at home. I love our library, but I cannot spend all day there.
Then, the car went all wonky again. Not a big deal, but the left turn signal bulb blew and the police here are fond of giving tickets for non-working parts of your vehicle. So, I went to the hardware store to buy a replacement bulb. Before going inside, I looked in the owner's manual to find out what tools I would need. They did not have the hex tool I needed, so I called my car guy friend to ask what other tool would work, and he told me to come over and he would help me. So, I did. Instead of helping me figure out what tool to buy, he said that he would take care of it. I declined and said that I could do it myself. He looked at the fastener and it was frozen here, like all corroded, and he said that he would do it for me. I asked how much it would cost and he waved at me and said that it would not be much.
So, I let him do it. $38.00 later I left. If I were capable of crying, I would have. Subtract nearly forty bucks from my grocery budget. I did manage to get everything I needed at the market, but, damn, that was not what I would call 'not much'. Damn. At least if the bulb fries again, the bolt is now loose enough so that I can replace it myself.
Monday's doctor appointment was distressing on so many levels. I am way behind on regular health care, and my doctor is not happy about it. Were all of the tests I need at low cost I would have them. They are not. I cannot. She knows about what happened last year, so my reduced circumstances are no surprise to her, but she lectured me about being a non-compliant patient for not doing all of these tests. Yeah, I get that I need them, but I just do not have the money. When I shared that with her, she looked at me and said something like, after all this time, and now that your divorce is settled and you have your share of the resources, there is not any reason why you should be dragging your heels about this.
I explained that I do not have anything, that all of our resources were taken by my ex and that all I have is what I have. She looked at me as though she did not believe that such a thing could be true. She has shared how amicable her own divorce was (two doctors deciding that they had grown apart), and cannot quite accept that there are people for whom court orders mean nothing, except an opportunity to further abuse the person who dared to leave. Yes, I am considered a bitch...and much worse...by my ex, and, quite frankly, having survived that marriage, it is a badge I wear with honor. I think it is time to find a new doctor, someone in the city here. It will make it easier for appointments when I have to let go of the car.
Staying as frugal as is my wont will take me only so far, probably until January or February, unless I find a job. One that pays. I already have enough, thank you very much, that are volunteer, and I am not grousing about them, I love all of the so freaking much, but it would be wonderful to have some income, a job where they like me and I get to provide benefit to them and they give me money for it.
That is not exactly true. They do not have to like me. Not a bit. But, I will eventually win them over and do fabulous work for them and they will not mind so much that they have to pay me for it.
Anyway, therapy went well. My therapist suggested some training a few weeks ago, and I finished the application and scholarship paperwork last night and dropped it at the post office this morning. She keeps encouraging me to do this particular work, and if I get financial help, I can finish the training in a few months. This qualifies me for work with agencies that receive governmental and grant help. If it works out, I can finally find a job. Most problems solved. I am not sharing the particulars unless it actually happens.
The therapist that facilitates the mental health group is leaving for another job. We will miss her, and the person replacing her seems fine. One of the clients of the person who is leaving refuses to continue with the new therapist, but I guess that happens. If I had to start with someone new, well, I would like to think that the work is more important than the people involved, but I am not sure. You never know what you might do until you have to do something.
Marketing went well, all things money considered, and CoolCat and I are all set for the next week. A nice long weekend, with no responsibilities, no appointments, no reason to leave our little home and plenty of great and healthy food, as well as some very nice fun food, and life is decidedly good. Fabulous. With any luck, I will not have to step outdoors, except to gather the mail, for four days. Bliss.
Now, off to find a cookie. Or several. Well, maybe a cookie, then an apple, then wait a while for everything to settle before seeking another cookie.
I started the day with paying bills. I have spent nearly every cent I have on legal fees, with absolutely no benefit. Another $1500 today, but, really, who is counting. Uh, me. Also paid my Internet bill. If it comes to having to cut something out of my budget, it will be the car, and not my connection. I can take the bus or walk, but it is not possible to do work for my employment clients without having on-line access at home. I love our library, but I cannot spend all day there.
Then, the car went all wonky again. Not a big deal, but the left turn signal bulb blew and the police here are fond of giving tickets for non-working parts of your vehicle. So, I went to the hardware store to buy a replacement bulb. Before going inside, I looked in the owner's manual to find out what tools I would need. They did not have the hex tool I needed, so I called my car guy friend to ask what other tool would work, and he told me to come over and he would help me. So, I did. Instead of helping me figure out what tool to buy, he said that he would take care of it. I declined and said that I could do it myself. He looked at the fastener and it was frozen here, like all corroded, and he said that he would do it for me. I asked how much it would cost and he waved at me and said that it would not be much.
So, I let him do it. $38.00 later I left. If I were capable of crying, I would have. Subtract nearly forty bucks from my grocery budget. I did manage to get everything I needed at the market, but, damn, that was not what I would call 'not much'. Damn. At least if the bulb fries again, the bolt is now loose enough so that I can replace it myself.
Monday's doctor appointment was distressing on so many levels. I am way behind on regular health care, and my doctor is not happy about it. Were all of the tests I need at low cost I would have them. They are not. I cannot. She knows about what happened last year, so my reduced circumstances are no surprise to her, but she lectured me about being a non-compliant patient for not doing all of these tests. Yeah, I get that I need them, but I just do not have the money. When I shared that with her, she looked at me and said something like, after all this time, and now that your divorce is settled and you have your share of the resources, there is not any reason why you should be dragging your heels about this.
I explained that I do not have anything, that all of our resources were taken by my ex and that all I have is what I have. She looked at me as though she did not believe that such a thing could be true. She has shared how amicable her own divorce was (two doctors deciding that they had grown apart), and cannot quite accept that there are people for whom court orders mean nothing, except an opportunity to further abuse the person who dared to leave. Yes, I am considered a bitch...and much worse...by my ex, and, quite frankly, having survived that marriage, it is a badge I wear with honor. I think it is time to find a new doctor, someone in the city here. It will make it easier for appointments when I have to let go of the car.
Staying as frugal as is my wont will take me only so far, probably until January or February, unless I find a job. One that pays. I already have enough, thank you very much, that are volunteer, and I am not grousing about them, I love all of the so freaking much, but it would be wonderful to have some income, a job where they like me and I get to provide benefit to them and they give me money for it.
That is not exactly true. They do not have to like me. Not a bit. But, I will eventually win them over and do fabulous work for them and they will not mind so much that they have to pay me for it.
Anyway, therapy went well. My therapist suggested some training a few weeks ago, and I finished the application and scholarship paperwork last night and dropped it at the post office this morning. She keeps encouraging me to do this particular work, and if I get financial help, I can finish the training in a few months. This qualifies me for work with agencies that receive governmental and grant help. If it works out, I can finally find a job. Most problems solved. I am not sharing the particulars unless it actually happens.
The therapist that facilitates the mental health group is leaving for another job. We will miss her, and the person replacing her seems fine. One of the clients of the person who is leaving refuses to continue with the new therapist, but I guess that happens. If I had to start with someone new, well, I would like to think that the work is more important than the people involved, but I am not sure. You never know what you might do until you have to do something.
Marketing went well, all things money considered, and CoolCat and I are all set for the next week. A nice long weekend, with no responsibilities, no appointments, no reason to leave our little home and plenty of great and healthy food, as well as some very nice fun food, and life is decidedly good. Fabulous. With any luck, I will not have to step outdoors, except to gather the mail, for four days. Bliss.
Now, off to find a cookie. Or several. Well, maybe a cookie, then an apple, then wait a while for everything to settle before seeking another cookie.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
no - part two
Since last week I have had several opportunities to say 'no'. I said 'yes' because I am spineless.
Three were over the weekend. Fail.
One was yesterday. A friend asked me to come over to have dinner with her, and, really, who am I to pass up a free meal. I did not want to go, but I did because she has been talking about buying one of those sandwich grills for the past year, and when I was grocery shopping at Walmart I found one at a ridiculously low sale price. So, I bought it for her a couple of weeks ago and yesterday's invitation was the perfect way to get it over there.
I got there and her daughter-in-law recently moved out and left some clothing behind. So, my friend thought that I would like them. They were fine, but seriously worn out and would have been too much work trying to repair them and remove all of the mystery stains. So, I declined and went home, taking my gift with me because she bought one of her own just last week. I get to try to return that to the store tomorrow after therapy and group.
Today brought two more chances to say 'no'. I did decline, but not by saying anything.
I have a pattern of doing or not doing for other people, and it quite distresses me to finally be aware of this. When someone asks me for something, well, they do not actually ask for whatever it is they want. They, and I pretty much mean every darn person I know, simply state a need and I jump in to volunteer. I am not saying that is entirely bad, it is nice to help other people and all that jazz. The problem is that I have trained people to get what they want without having to put it into words. I listen and just agree to that unspoken request.
Seriously, how fucked up is that. One of the library employees needs help with an on-line job application. The first statement of need was about my schedule, to which I replied that it was full all day. I did have an open appointment slot, but since he had not asked, I did not offer it to him.
Later, that person came to my bat cave and repeated the need for this application help, shared that he did not have time to get to a computer until Friday and then just smiled and waited for me to volunteer. I did not. I did not say anything in reply. He finally went away.
Now, were I being faithful to the concept and practice and assignment to actually say 'no', these would not qualify as successfully completing the task.
However, it is a deliberate choice on my part to no longer volunteer for everyone's needs, crappy, selfish or not. Not volunteering my services is a 'yes' to myself. And, I will not have to come to work on my day off and help someone who has become accustomed to using me.
And, that is another issue. If you allow/permit/train someone to take you for granted, misuse you even, then you cannot get all bent out of shape when they keep doing that. I have set a standard for how someone can ask me to do something for them...huge change, as they have to put the request in the form of a request. Crazy. Additionally, in additon to the actual asking thing, there will be times when my response will be a well-considered, calm and inarguable 'no'.
Yay me.
Three were over the weekend. Fail.
One was yesterday. A friend asked me to come over to have dinner with her, and, really, who am I to pass up a free meal. I did not want to go, but I did because she has been talking about buying one of those sandwich grills for the past year, and when I was grocery shopping at Walmart I found one at a ridiculously low sale price. So, I bought it for her a couple of weeks ago and yesterday's invitation was the perfect way to get it over there.
I got there and her daughter-in-law recently moved out and left some clothing behind. So, my friend thought that I would like them. They were fine, but seriously worn out and would have been too much work trying to repair them and remove all of the mystery stains. So, I declined and went home, taking my gift with me because she bought one of her own just last week. I get to try to return that to the store tomorrow after therapy and group.
Today brought two more chances to say 'no'. I did decline, but not by saying anything.
I have a pattern of doing or not doing for other people, and it quite distresses me to finally be aware of this. When someone asks me for something, well, they do not actually ask for whatever it is they want. They, and I pretty much mean every darn person I know, simply state a need and I jump in to volunteer. I am not saying that is entirely bad, it is nice to help other people and all that jazz. The problem is that I have trained people to get what they want without having to put it into words. I listen and just agree to that unspoken request.
Seriously, how fucked up is that. One of the library employees needs help with an on-line job application. The first statement of need was about my schedule, to which I replied that it was full all day. I did have an open appointment slot, but since he had not asked, I did not offer it to him.
Later, that person came to my bat cave and repeated the need for this application help, shared that he did not have time to get to a computer until Friday and then just smiled and waited for me to volunteer. I did not. I did not say anything in reply. He finally went away.
Now, were I being faithful to the concept and practice and assignment to actually say 'no', these would not qualify as successfully completing the task.
However, it is a deliberate choice on my part to no longer volunteer for everyone's needs, crappy, selfish or not. Not volunteering my services is a 'yes' to myself. And, I will not have to come to work on my day off and help someone who has become accustomed to using me.
And, that is another issue. If you allow/permit/train someone to take you for granted, misuse you even, then you cannot get all bent out of shape when they keep doing that. I have set a standard for how someone can ask me to do something for them...huge change, as they have to put the request in the form of a request. Crazy. Additionally, in additon to the actual asking thing, there will be times when my response will be a well-considered, calm and inarguable 'no'.
Yay me.
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