Insomnia is a vertiginous lucidity that can convert paradise itself into a place of torture.
I lost my sleep, and this is the greatest tragedy that can befall someone. It is much worse than sitting in prison.
The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.
I could go on and on and on because I cannot sleep. Triggered when the downstairs folk have time for their two to four hours alcohol induced fights, knock-downs and generally sloppy arguments.
Their most recent performance was a bit more than three weeks ago. I finally, after nearly a year of living here, found the courage and/or stupidity to go down there and ask them to be quiet, which did not turn out so well for me, and of which I think I have already shared. Even if I have not, it is not worth the ink to type it.
I have tried everything. Meditation, herbs and chamomile tea, over-the-counter pills and tablets. I have stayed up all night, and then forced tons of caffeine beverages to stay up until a my usual bedtime. I do stay awake all those thirty hours or so and then keep sleeping until mid-afternoon the next day. Today I slept until after 5:00 p.m.
I see my internist next week and will ask for help, but between my back and lack of sleep, well, to be honest (which I always am anyway, but sleep deprivation is making me defensive) I am quite the mess. I look it, too.
And, it should not be all that problematic, being retired and all. Still, I would love to be awake for whole days in a row, a very long row. And, I have to work this out because the trigger to this is not going anywhere, and neither am I. Finances are keeping me here. Our landlord does not want to be bothered and told me to just call the police every time this happens. In his defense, he is sympathetic and has spoken to them several times about this, but neither of us wants to turn this in to actual trouble.
And, the first time I call the police, it is pretty much over.
In between the bouts, there exists a kind of détente that I would not like to disturb. All I want to do is sleep.
I am, however, reading an insane amount of books.
Poppy Z. Brite