Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

furniture !

Furniture!!!!! I ordered kitchen table/chairs and a desk from Walmart...gosh how I love that company. Lots of people do not, many of whom are sheep and just follow the haters, but in my community they are stellar. This was my first time ordering from them and it was a truly nice experience. The stuff is probably made overseas, but I could not find anything affordable at any local stores, including the charity shops, which have gone trendy or some damn thing, with prices comparable to the store. I am glad to do much of my shopping with them (four nice ones in the city in which I am now living) and I fully appreciate that they need to pull in as much income as possible. Really. But, they have prices that are beyond my budget, no matter how I stretch it. They were pretty easy to assemble and look really cool.

Then, I spent a couple of weeks looking for other furniture for the living room. Again, nothing affordable at the charity shops and I have to admit that the whole sitting and sleeping on used soft-upholstered furniture became increasingly nightmarish and I started looking at the stores.

Began with the cheapest, warehouse places. There was one that had nice looking things, and they were made, well, sort of well, but would not stand up to daily use by a fat broad and her constantly shedding and vomiting cat (also a little on the chubby side, but we are both reducing our tonnage quite nicely). However, if you have a room that just needs furnishing but does not get regular use, these stores are a great place and certainly worth considering, as their prices are amazingly low. Might be nice for a second bedroom that you are using as a study or any room that gets used only when guests are around.

Finally found some furniture that was not huge. Seriously huge furniture abounds. Everywhere. Seriously. Everything is over-scale, bulky, puffy, tufted and just plain big. My place is small and the scale is all wrong for such enormous stuff.

I finally found some things that were smaller and I bought them, after thinking on how much spending that kind of money was freaking me out. I have heard from my friends that I did not spend very much and that most people spend several times what I did. That freaks me even more. It did not comfort me and whilst I have had the stuff for half a week now, I am still occasionally having minor panicky aftershocks about this.

Oh, and when the furniture was delivered, it turned out to be huge.  Not huge in comparison to the really huge stuff in the stores, but fairly ginormous when place in the small space.  Really, it looks huge, ginormous.  However, it is very comfortable.  Charley loves all of it.  So, I guess that makes it worth the money and angst.  But, that stuff is big!!!

I told my cat that he is not allowed to vomit on any of it for three years, so he has transferred his affection to using all of it for a scratching post. I know that he is simply marking the pieces and am not too upset about it. Yet. I suppose that it is his furniture as well, so I need to get over myself about this. It would help is he would contribute something from his part-time job, but he refuses...oh...I forgot...napping is not paid employment. Neither is wasting calories with stress vomiting. What was I thinking. Still, he has to stop clawing the soft stuff and this weekend I will be making a couple of decent scratching posts for him, the kind he really likes and that we had to leave behind when we were homeless the last time.

Speaking of which, the stuff left behind at the last minutes. I had no place to put the stuff, even though it was not much. Some went to the charity shops and the rest went to the landfill.

What I miss.

Essential oils. I had a bunch that I used for doing aromatherapy. They got trashed because they could not tolerate the heat of the little storage unit I rented. I have needed them at least four times since moving.

Soap making stuff. Again, the heat of the storage unit was not good for the oils and all the rest. And, when those had to go, it made sense to give the tools and molds along to the person who took the oils, dyes and other stuff. Now, I need soap and whilst I am fine with buying a few bars of Dove or something, I want my own, home made soap. This stuff might be the first thing I replace.

Staples, foods. The heat issue, once again, made it impossible to take even canned or packaged foods. It is just food, most of it was donated, but I keep needing a spice or condiment and it is not there. I suppose I could have opted to replace this stuff instead of buying furniture, but I really needed something more than a desk chair on which to rest my exhausted, fat ass. Choices, choices.

Art materials and supplies. This stuff was the first to go. It was that or I would have had to cull the toys I keep for the boys, and that took priority. An excellent choice, and so much stuff gone, although this is easiest with which to live. Crazy, as art was so important to me, what with all the other crap, and it was a source of income once in a while.

Books. I knew that I would regret divesting some of them, and that has happened, but to a much smaller degree than I expected. I kept one box of books, those that I constantly re-read and those that hold some significant energy or meaning for me. And, I can get pretty much whatever I like from the library. But, the power of most of those books was that they allowed me to escape from my real life. I never fully realized that until they were gone. I read voraciously, and I figured out some time ago that I was seeking a story for myself. My real story was not great and each of those books was an attempt to create a life story with which I could connect. I was not looking for a fiction to make my own, just some aspect of living that reflected my own, but something, some quality of existing on which I could use as a foundation for building a life. My life. I was never able to do that and I suppose that is a good thing, you know, making the best life I could using only what I actually had. I am doing that now, but I still miss some of those damn books. I thought about looking for used copies, but I clearly thought furniture a better investment. :)

 Kitchen stuff. I miss some of my cooking equipment and tools, but those that I could not put in storage went to the charity shops and some of the women I met whilst in the shelter. All good, but I wish that I had kept the large slow cooker for making soap. Man. Considering how much crap I got rid of, this list is kind of small. Perhaps that is a good thing. We are truly making this new place our home. Things are going up on the walls, and I am being choosy about what I am hanging.

Despite all my complaining about loss, I can see that there are some things that survived the moving and that will shortly be donated to the charity shops. That is a very good thing.

 Oh, as for spending money, I figured out what using the laundromat is costing and when I found a tiny washing machine on sale, I bought it. I connected it yesterday and tomorrow will be the test run. It is going to take only four or five months for it to pay for itself. The best part is that I will never run out of clean big girl panties again! Yay!!!! I am expecting that I will appreciate it even more during the winter months, but clean underwear is still my favorite thing about this thing. If it actually works, that is.

Friday, August 24, 2012

a day of little successes

Dear Diary, Firstly, I can only post in HTML on this phone, so everything will be in one paragraph unless I can remember how to do this stuff. Began the day with a doom and gloom visit from my upstairs neighbor, who I like despite her constant negativity. Really, there must be someone she likes enough to say sweet things. I tried to bribe her today with.visions of fresh greens and vegetables from the row of planters that I will be putting on my portion of the porch. She is one smart cookie throw fresh and warm cookies into the bribe basket, well I like cookies too. Volunteering yesterday upset the laundromat schedule, but the baskets never made it out of the car trunk. DMV to transfer the car into my name and ownership, make sure the van is recorded as being junked. Check. Closed savings account and withdrew cash from old checking account to deposit in new bank. Check. Groceries, fun stuff for the boys, tiny deep-fryer (because now I must have proper falafel), fabric to make a throw for the new sofa that will be delivered tomorrow ...and best of all ...went and bought that little washing machine. So cool. If I figure out how to use it I can do most of my clothes this weekend. Check, and totally freaking cool. Tired. Check. Cat on lap. Check. Water and grapes and salted cashews on the table in easy reach. Check. Where is the remote??? O. K.,check. Life is so nice.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I recently reactivated my FB account help facilitate my reentry into the local art community. Frankly, I think it is/was stupid advice, but I am trying to be cooperative with those who seem to know what's what and are simply trying to be helpful. What never occurred to me is that I had previously connected with in-laws, nieces, nephews and their young families. I will never have them as a regular part of my life again. I was the auntie they loved as much as I love them. That is over and I will not talk to them or visit with them or be any part of their lives and I do not think that I can bear this loss. This is a casualty of wanting my own, safe life. I swear, this is more that I can handle. God.


Well, the car is gone. I did not want it. It got terrible gas mileage. The only reason I got stuck with it is because the ex wanted to give the other car to a friend, and when the court awarded it to me he refused the car they gave him and I have been burdened with one more vehicle than I can manage. So, it has been a surprise that I felt this weird sense of loss to see it towed off into the sunset ...literally, for goodness sake. Goodbye, old girl. I did remember to take a photo and send it to my daughter, who was even more fond of it than I seem to have been. I trained at my new volunteer job this morning. One morning, still at the beginning of the process, but the director of the program is going to be a personal challenge. I am a patient person, a strong learner and an excellent and dedicated student, and I am certainly not a quitter, but there were two moments this morning when I nearly thanked her for her time and for asking me to create this new position in the organization, and then took my leave, grateful to have escaped relatively unscathed. But, I did not and I am going back for a few hours on Monday and will let them make appointments for later in the week, and just see how it goes. I am hoping for the best, but if her behavior is the same next week I will decline the position and move on and look for a less stressful place. It was so not what I expected The old me, even from six months ago would have simply taken that crappy behavior, tucked in and worked as best I could. The new, and hopefully improved, me is not willing to do any of that. I am not strong enough to address all of it with her, although I am willing to now remove myself from that kind of potentially toxic environment if I have to.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I am on a real computer, so maybe this will work easier. I still have a car to sell, and it looks like I might have to just junk it.  I was hoping to pass it on to the sister-in-law of a friend, but she cannot afford to buy it at any price and I would have to take $500 of my own money, my own limited funds, to give to my ex.  If I junk it, he will settle for half of what I get, but if I try to sell it to an actual person he has a minimum that he wants from me.  Frankly, if I had it, I would just give it to him and then gift that woman with the car, but I cannot afford to do that.  It is too complicated and I give up.  Friday will be junk the damn thing day.

I finally got rid of the cardboard that was piling up, cut it all to smithereens, taped it and hauled it to the curb.  So glad that is done.  I was holding on to it because the desk I ordered on-line was missing a piece.  I give up on that, too. 

Two for two.

Tomorrow will be training day for me at a new volunteer job.  It will be essentially what I do at our Library, but using their software and process.  I craft résumés, CVs and the rest from scratch.  Templates are great, but they do not fit everyone and I like my clients to have tools that reflect them as precisely as possible. 

I probably should just let this go, but one of my morning clients came in intoxicated.  I could smell it all over him and it comes as no surprise that when I addressed the issue with him that he denied it, saying that it must  be the whiskey he had last night.  Alrighty, I can mention the stench stink odor  smell, but I cannot breathalyze them, and have to trust that if they return for more services that they will do it sober, or at least less drunk.  Really.  If you are going to toss back a few cold ones before you ride your bike over here could you at least pick up some breath mints when you are at the liquor store?  And, if the reek is actually from last night, how about a quick shower between the time you get up and get over here.

I cleared a few more boxes yesterday, but really need some shelving in order to organize the art and crafting stuff I managed to save in the whole moving all over the place thing.  I had to donate my bookshelves to the charity shop because there was no place to store them.  It could not be helped, and I really am missing them now.  I did have a nice surprise, though, when I opened a box and found some of my spiritual stuff.  Finding those chalices, the dragon kaleidoscope and a couple more crystals was just the happiness I needed.

My new home feels like home and is looking more like home every day.  Some things are on the walls, I put together the kitchen table and chairs and desk, and furniture is coming soon.  I have decided that the light coming into the place is so glorious that I will not be putting up any window treatments, not even any of my beloved lace panels, not even in my bedroom.  I digress, but  
my bedroom

I do not like CoolCat's food and water dishes between the stove and refrigerator, and am thinking to move them under the table, or someplace, but it is simply not comfortable-feeling where they are.  Lots of things to work out, but he pretty much comes first.  During the end days I had no place to go where he could come along.  Two places to stay, a friend and my daughter, but allergy issues were paramount and I made and cancelled two appointments to have him euthanized.  He is only 14 years old, but has chronic health issues and a crappy temperament, and four months of trying to find a home for him were unsuccessful. 

In the end, we lived in a motel for a while until I found our new home.  One of my friends, the one with whom I could have stayed, said at breakfast the other day that after everything I went through for him, "that damn cat better not die!"  My sentiments exactly. :)

Back to work, assuming that the next client shows, and then fiber club and home to hang out and be groovy with CoolCat.

Life is freaking fabulous.  Yep.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


So anyway, here I am safe as it is possible to be, despite what happened at court last week. I have specific plans about what to do if anyone is stupid enough to attempt to bother me. Man. The details will ooze out in time, with lots of mostly boring, navel-gazing angst and messy spewing, but that is me and my customary practice, so be warned. It will get messy and boring is a given. I am mostly using my phone for Internet access until my finances improve, and I will be proper formatting is jutnotgonnahappen. See? We are moved into our new home, CoolCat and me, and it is remarkable how quickly this has transitioned from place to actual home. Yeah, we are home, something we never had pre-divorce. Furniture, like actual furniture has been purchased. Put-it-together-yourself kitchen and desk, but a real sofa and chair, too. Nice. Normal stuff, and I am fully appreciative of being able to have nice and normal. Yes, I am. I have hung some of my paintings, scattered a few nicky-nacks and am well satisfied to be living with significantly fewer things. There are many art, crafting and soap-making supplies and equipment that I miss dearly, as well as all of my aromatherapy stuff, but I am allowing myself to properly grieve so that I will stop the cycle of feeling such loss all the time. I suppose there is no good time to admit this, I am feeling loss and love for my recently divorced husband. Yes, even though it is probably an indication of how messed up I am, but I have never stopped loving him. Not through the neglect and abuse, the fear, terror, pain and all the rest. Not even nearly dying seems to be enough to make me stop such insane feelings, because there is surely a strong element of mental illness that holds onto love for someone who tried to end my life and still wants me dead. Seriously, how fucked up am I. Enough of that for now. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and she said that I am doing well. My heart sounds better and she is sure that all of the test and lab results will confirm that I am recovering well. I asked about exercising and she gave her full support. I am continuing to lose weight, nearly sixty pounds since last fall. More later.