Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

oh the humanity

Only if humanity equals eating way more candy than any person should ever admit to having eaten.

I took my own, very bad advice and allowed myself to buy some of those chocolate covered cherries candies.  That would have been fine, except that, even though it was a small box, it paved...slicked-up...the path to accepting just about any other candy that was offered to me.  Lordy.

Anyway, I broke the cycle by buying only great food when I shopped on Monday before the big snow arrived.  Those pre-storm visits to the market are often the excuse for having fun food in the house because I will most likely be stuck inside for a while.  But, when I started shopping I just went on auto pilot and did my usual perimeter shopping.  I made one last trip to the produce department, got a big bag of carrots which I had forgotten the first go-round and looked at the salad bar, decided that the extra stuff was too tempting and as I was walking towards the check-out, a deli person came out with a tray of freshly made sandwiches.  They do a weird thing with the sandwiches and other snacks in that display case.  The stuff is bare bones, in that there is not any mayo or mustard or fancy relish or anything but really good bread and rolls, lean meats, a slice of cheese and lots of greens and tomato slices.  Since I knew they were fresh off the cutting board, I grabbed a roast beef, which is not the usual deli beef, but real roasted beef.

I did succumb to a diet soft drink that I like ever so much, as it was on sale, something that lures me in like magic.

Today I will be making turkey and vegetable curry in the slow cooker.  I do not think that I have any coconut milk in the pantry, but I do have some nice shredded coconut in the freezer, so I can manage a substitute.  A slow cooker full of this yummyness will last for at least a week, with a few zipper bags in the freezer right away.  I may have one or two of those bags before I run out of curry appetite, but freezing it as soon as it cools a bit means that none will be tossed at the end.

Natural peanut butter and celery will be a few lunches and many snacks, as four big old bunches were too nice to pass up.  Green bell peppers, apples and a couple of winter squash, some nice bakery bread and lots of frozen Brussels sprouts.  Wheat biscuit cereal and milk were a splurge, but so nice for a quick dinner.  Wheat biscuit crackers (a theme I guess) and some spreadable cheese is yet another quick lunch or dinner.  Lots of salad greens and a handful of tomatoes.

Tomatoes.  Last shopping trip they were divine, sweet and flavorful and the last one was et on Sunday, and whilst I bought more, less yummy ones I am sure, they are a splurge item as well.  So expensive and often not all that delicious this time of year.

I try to eat relatively local, but I do not have freezer or room to store home-canned stuff, and I am pretty sure that I am not willing to give up chocolate or tea in this life.  And, it is kind of weird-ish that I am thinking so much about food, especially since I recently claimed that I do not worry much about anything.

But, this whole food thing might be different.

I shoveled and struggled (and failed) with the cover I bought for the car to keep the windshields clearer.  And, even though I have that weirdly fractured/whatever vertebrae, I was not tired by the shoveling, falling or several trips up the stairs with all of that heavy soft drinks, food and stuff.

In fact, I did not think about the shoveling until this morning when I felt a bit stiff in the old body and in my right knee which I think took a blow on one of my falls into the snow.  Even all of that is minor and passed quickly.  Truth is, I feel great.  Exercise is difficult for me to embrace, but exercise by default...shoveling, walking, wrangling stuff up the easy for me.  I enjoy it.  So, I guess thinking about (oh, not wondering?????) the food I just naturally tossed in my cart and how it is nice that it happened so closely on the heels of the candy orgy, might mean that I do wonder about some things, even if it, as regards to the food shopping, might be more internal that something I try to process. 

And, that I bought food items that cannot be eaten preference...and need to be prepared and actually cooked, albeit by the lazy slow cooker method, might be a good sign.  Man, or in this case old ladies, seem to need more than vegetables eaten as-is. 

So, perhaps, a total disregard for good health, you know, all that candy, but it was so good, brought some good.  I mean, when I shopped, I did not buy any chips, potato or otherwise, no jam, nothing other than healthy stuff.  It feels kind of good and I am hoping that the feeling stays.  Although, I know that the chips are waiting for me in their beautiful red bag, all wavy and crunchy and salty and, oh, lordy.

Monday, December 28, 2015


We finally have some.  Light snow, followed by heavy snow and blinding winds, followed by by more snow and lots of sleet

I picked up a couple of DVDs and a pile of books at the library.
I got my meds from the pharmacy.  Could not afford one of them.  Yikes.
Bought groceries, but forgot to get more sidewalk salt. Ugh.
Came home and shoveled the sidewalks.
Fell twice.  So much not my favorite thing.
Shoveled twice more.
Used up most of the salt.
The empty bag blew out of my hands and headed south.  Blew past the stores and was last seen heading towards the pizza place.
Fell down.  Still not liking it very much.
All the wind blew my carefully scattered salt away.  Probably trying to catch up with its bag.
Snow filled in all the shoveled areas.
Sleet has safely sealed the surface, with no chance of any of the snow blowing away.  Hah. that would be too easy.
All my outer and inner wear drying on all available surfaces.

Just another day here in the tundra.

Suits me just fine.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

I wonder what the new year will bring my way

Truth is that I rarely wonder about anything. 

I budget well, so I never have to worry or wonder if I will have enough money.
I keep myself healthy and my environment sort of fine.  At least I never have to worry about the health department coming in and going insane.
I recycle and cross the street properly.
I pay my taxes, gladly, actually.  Go figure.
My relationships are healthy, too.  I am fine with family and  I have good friends back near the city where I used to live and here in the village.
These are the things over which I have control.  Nearly complete control.  So, all the rest can just take care of itself.

This has been the mildest, most snow-free winter season we have had in decades.  Plenty of rain, but since the ground is not frozen in this area, all the rain is great.  There have been places with flooding, which is very sad, and the unseasonably high temperatures seem to be fostering some tornadoes, another very sad and unfortunate thing.  Unfortunately, weather is out of my control and whilst I wish that bad weather and all other bad things did not happen to anyone, I, my family and friends are fine, wherever they live.

Presidential politicking is in full swing/affront/bullying/insults/outright lies and general foolishness, the kind that can have serious consequences, but again, aside from staying informed (even though the televised debates and new articles make me sick) and being the best voter than I can, there is nothing I can influence, much less change.

There is more international bad news than ever. 
On and on, so many rotten things, places, people, circumstances and situations.

I accept that I can have no influence on anything save myself and the people and agencies with which I occupy myself.  Just one person, doing her best and making sure that I follow my code.

I should probably have more rules for myself, codes, practices, beliefs or whatever, but I have just the one.  Well, I do have two things/codes/beliefs.

The first is that I believe in something beyond myself.  I have no idea what that is, maybe a god or something, Universal consciousness, cellular memory or something.  My childhood and that of my siblings was miserable.  I feel like there is nothing I can say to describe it that is not an understatement.  Best left undisclosed anyway, except to say that some of us are more messed up than others and that three of my siblings are dead as a result of our lives in that household.

I think that the reason I survived relatively intact from those years, as well as that other life, because I knew that there was something more than myself, something more and better than what we knew and experienced whilst growing up.  I pretty much thought that all families were like ours until I was well into high school.  Yeah, slow learner, well trained.

Still, I knew with absolute certainty that there was something more.  It had to be better than what we had, if only by default, although it was decades before I could properly articulate any of that.  I sought solace in books.  I read anything and everything I could find.  Anything.  If it was something with words printed on it, it was fine reading for me.  The worst punishment I could receive was to be prevented from reading.  I can still feel that loss sometimes.

But, I knew that I would survive and survive I did.  Those lessons served me well during that other life, as well.  It is not an exaggeration to share that I can remember several occasions when I should not have done that whole survival thing.

And, as I grew up, that clear belief in something greater than myself clarified into a two-belief coda.  I am using coda correctly, I think, because this whole living here, in this body, time and place is lyrical in a way that I can feel, but will never be able to express in words.  I think it touches my work and my art, as well as my relationships, this lyrical aspect, but words are inadequate in so many ways.

We are here, alive, in this flesh for two reasons.  To be happy.  I mean, why would we have these amazing bodies, crazy minds and kick-ass planet if happiness was not the end game.  The second reason we are here, alive, in this flesh is to be of service. 

I think that service can take any form, or shape or practice or whatever.  If it is founded in faith, then super, but I do not think traditional faith is necessary.  Anyway, that is the first part of my code for living.

So, anyway, all of that defines my actual code and that is to be aware.  Conscious.  Something like that.  You know, kind of a cellular awareness.  Not biology so much, although that certainly is part of it.  Kinds of like a cauldron of my thinking, the places my heart is pulled, nature (I think), that whole greater than myself aspect and knowing that everything is connected.  Yeah, that old axiom about mind, body, spirit, universal connection.  Yeah, Carl Jung and all that jazz.  Rumi and Buddha.  All those and all the other folk who follow that path.

If I am alone in this life, than what could possibly be the point?  What purpose does being involved superficially...or even deeply...with anyone or anything thing or belief have?

Is it enough to be a good person and do all the right things and say all the proper words and behave in certain, generally acceptable ways?  Is it enough to just not be a bad person?

You know, I am not particularly religious, even though I have practiced formal religion in my life.  Sometimes is it nice to be part of a community and have a publicly ritual life.  I hate to admit this, but I am not sure that I believe in a traditional, or even nontraditional, god/God. 

I do believe in people of all kinds, even those I do not understand.  Even those who do not like me, or "get" me.  I believe in cats and other pets, and wild animals and trees and clouds and other planets.  I believe in oxygen and germs, atoms and boulders, and synthetic fabrics  and other artificial stuff, like fake Christmas trees and canned soup.  I believe in cultures and ethics and nationalities and how fucking more alike all of us are than we could ever be different.

And, you cannot look at, into the face of another person, even someone you may despise at the moment (or forever) and not believe that there is darn right good in the world, in everyone, no matter how heinously they behave. 

And, yet, I do not wonder about much of anything.  I have experienced a whole lot of healing this past six months or so, perhaps more and more intensely than I have in a very long time, years and years.  There are days when I feel different, maybe even a little transformed, more confident, less fearful, more at peace, and all of it without trying or conscious thought.  It is wonderful, and whilst I know that I am doing the work that brings all of this greatness to me, I sometimes wonder that I do not wonder about stuff enough.  That, maybe, I am not enough of a planner or thinker or that I am not invested enough about my future or what I should be doing or not doing, how I should be moving through my life and my little part of the world.

Maybe I do not have big plans or dreams because I refuse to invest my self, life, energy or heart in things over which I will never have any influence.  Maybe I am not a decent world citizen. 

I guess, if I wonder about anything, that aspect of not being a good enough world citizen, or being involved in local politics or things like that, is what holds my wondering thoughts. 

Then, I get over it and just go to my volunteer gigs or be with my little guys and their parents and my friends, or visit and chat at my favorite little cafe (really, who ever thought I would have a favorite wee place to eat and chat???  amazing). 

I guess I just have small interests.  It has to be enough, because I feel that I have nothing to invest in wondering what might be coming.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015


Or, early.  Or just the usual inability to sleep.  I keep hearing that it is something wonky with my adrenal stuff, but that does not help me find a regular sleeping schedule.  A diagnosis and some treatment would be nice.

So, here I am again.  Up and quiet so that I do not disturb the downstairs folk.  Nearly six weeks have gone along without any fisticuffs, yelling or other foul deeds against one another.  Well, until over the weekend, but there were only two nights of loudness.  Unfortunately, I was finally back on a med-induced sleep pattern, and now that is all shot to heck.

It gives me lots of time to think and make quiet art.  Last night was the Solstice and I did my little weird stuff and a bit of art later on.  I have finished making all of my gifts, and whilst that is always a fun thing, this year I am pleased with some of the stuff I made.  We will celebrate when my daughter and all her guys return from Christmas with my son-in-love's family out west.  My daughter had her last finals for the term last week and is actually taking some time for herself for a while.  We decided that we will get together and eat and play and exchange gifts when they get back next week.  Nice.

Anyway, I have an entire week of no place to be, no jobs or volunteer gigs, nuttin'.  Yay.  Slacker that I am, though, it makes it very easy to just sleep when I get too tired to stay up, sleep naturally and, frankly, I am pretty much sleeping for at least twelve hours, up for eight-to-ten and back asleep for a long time.  Well, that will work until next week, but I am sure that I am messing up my internal tickings worse than they would be otherwise.

On the other hand, this could be what I need to be awake during the day and asleep during the dark, you know, like a normal person.  Fat chance.  Anyway, I have been eating down the pantry the refrigerator is holding apples, a jar of really good giardiniera, a few eggs, some really old beer and a lot of condiments.  No fresh food whatsoever.  All of the grains and pasta are gone, except for a lone bag of lentils.  No soup ingredients, ah.  Unless I plan on eating microwave popcorn for the next five days it would probably be in my best interest to put on some clothes tomorrow and go to the market.

I actually thought about doing just that, well, like now, but nothing stays open in this village after ten o'clock, not even the gasoline stations, which eliminates even quick junk food.

My life is nice, but my problems are entirely first world.  Even sleeplessness.  And, eating down the pantry is a nice and structured thing to do, as no food gets lost on the back of the shelves only to be tossed when it is no longer fit to eat.  There are times when it seems that I am decidedly not so frugal anymore, especially with how often I grab a quick meal instead of going home and cooking something.  That is particularly nice on busy days, particularly on those days when my energy lags, but it is not frugal.  It is, however, social, so that is nice.

So, anyway.  Pissy problems aside, another thought planet that I have been experiencing is that, maybe, just maybe, happiness and I are not meant to be together.  Sure, I am thrilled to no longer be under the assault that was that other life, and all that healing stuff is going well.  But.  There is something that still feels fragile about my now, new life.

I was driving home last week from fetching the last of the gift cards and books for my grandsons and a car followed me all the way north on the road.  I tried to dismiss it, just more foolishness and lack of respect for all the work I have done, but that car was behind me all the way, then through the neighborhood I take into the village and onto the street where I live.

I know that he and his family do not know where I live, at least I am fairly certain of that.  No, I have to insist that they do not, or...or, what?  Live in hiding again?  I cannot do that.  So, when I reached my flat I kept on driving.  The car made one more turn with me and then continued on west when I turned south.

It was just a coincidence, which was my first thought when I noticed that car whilst still a half-hour from home.  And, I am not the only person who has to take one of those circuitous routes to get here.  The village is not on a big highway or anything.  But, it really bothers me that the whole thing bothered me and I have to wonder if that sort of thing is how I might undermine the life I now have.

You cannot live with fear like that.  I refuse to spend what is left of my life looking over my shoulder to see if any of them are still tracking me down.  I just cannot do any of that.  That first year I did not leave at night for anything, and I always made sure that I was home before dark.  I spent the better part of the second year scanning the surroundings when I came home, especially at night and checked before I left, as well.

It seems, sometimes, as though that is the legacy of that other life.  That he still controls me with fear.  And, the worst part is that he has most likely forgotten all about me and has moved on with his own life.  The Universe does not revolve around me, but that vulnerability, those threads of fear thoughts are persistent. 

I am fine now, was even just fine that evening.  It is fully under my control to do and feel whatever I want, but it is annoying, all in all, to have that kind of response pop up so easily.

However, insights and all, writing/spewing it all out aside, I cannot use all this work as an excuse for buying other than healthy food tomorrow.  To feel so weak at the time of year when dark chocolate covered cherries candies are in season.  Alas.

Friday, December 18, 2015


Today I made a formal introduction of sushi to my daughter.  She has seen me eat the stuff many times, and knows that it is my personal eating-out-treat.

So, I was surprised when she invited me to lunch today at a Japanese restaurant.  She thought it was a brand-new place because our village had copies of their takeout menu mailed.  Since she is finished with finals for a while, she is taking the first few days to relax and it is kind of cool that she thought of me as a relaxing time.  Not always a daily experience for many mothers and daughters, especially the two of us, mostly because she still does know the history of why I left her father.  True, he was not much of a parent to or for her, but surely knows that there is a huge back story to this whole mess.

Whatever.  It really does not matter because I will never tell her all, or any, of that stuff.  I am feeling as though healing is gaining on me.  There have been several times in the past few months when I have found myself doing something that previously wary, or not doing something that used to be propelled by fear.  Well, except for tonight.  A particular car was behind me for the half-hour drive home from errands.  Still trailing me as I approached my driveway, I kept moving and circled around in a neighborhood near to me.  I lost that car, but probably because his path was mine until it was not any more.  It was a pretty tender, one might say raw, experience and it surprised me, both that I noticed that car and that I felt threatened and vulnerable in a way that I have not for a very long time.

It is fascinating how things fit together, or at least seem to.  Another whatever.

So, the restaurant has terrible service.  We waited a long time in a nearly empty place and when our food finally came, I had to request utensils.  Twice.  Not a big deal, and the staff folk were sweet, nice and helpful to my daughter, as this was her first experience with this kind of food.

Anyway, we had bento boxes with a nice variety of rolls and some really yummy scallops.  I ordered an eel roll and let my daughter choose another.  The eel and her salmon were fresh and had a lovely mouth feel, which is just as important to sushi as flavor of the fish and the other components blending properly.  I ate all but one piece of those two rolls and saved my California roll for her to take home because she really liked that one.  It was also her first taste of miso soup, which she liked, but declined to have me show her how to make.

So, and anyway, it is a pleasure to write about something so ordinary, a day so lacking in bad stuff, momentary driving fright aside.  

And, now I have a sushi companion.  Pretty darn nice, this life.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

time slugs on

It really is the week before the winter holidays for us.  Yule for me and my daughter and Christmas for my daughter and son-in-love, grandsons and all of their family.

I had a huge surge of energy and made tons and tons of ornaments and little gifts, scattered to the winds of friendship and have completely ground down to doing nothing.  I have yet to make gifts for my coffee friends, and since Saturday is the last time I could see them for weeks and weeks, that give me only what remains of this afternoon and Friday to get them finished.  Or, started.  I have all the stuff.  I even have some desire to make them, but enthusiasm has exited the building.

It is my turn to choose where to meet on Saturday and I do not want to go.  At all.  I e-mailed the group and asked one of them to choose a place to meet and that I will be there if I can.  I am such a blob of something.

I am not a brooding person, at least like the dreamer I was in that other life, but there is so much going on this time of year, with the holidays and the coming of the new year that it is nearly impossible to avoid thinking about all sorts of life stuff.

This week was my daughter's final final for this term.  All she has been doing is studying and working and now has a chance to catch her breath during the month between terms.  I am hoping that she takes some time for herself, at least when the boys are in school.  Maybe she will let me take her out for lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant.  I wish that any of us had enough money to send her and my son-in-love out for a weekend away, maybe even to a nice hotel in the city.  You know, I think I could handle that.  I have been saving money for nothing in particular other than I like to save, and I could use that.

Ah, too much thinking.  I am so broody I could lay an egg.  Oh.

Thursday, December 10, 2015


It is December 10th and the expected high temperature is going to be 60F, with a slight chance for rain.

Since that is twice the temperature of freezing, I think that it would be lovely if instead of the usual December snow, that we had December fog, or better yet, December steam.  Guess we need more than 60F, though.  Probably for the best.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

letting go

I have let a whole bunch of things go recently.

Today it was my second cell phone, the cheap one that I kept as a safe phone for my clients and for use by those with whom I worked at the homeless and DV shelters.  It can still be used for dialing 911 for emergency help, so I will keep the battery charged in case someone at the food pantry or homeless program places need a phone for just that purpose.  The nice thing about this particular phone is that it can be reactivated at any time by buying one of those pre-paid cards for this company.

The thing was that the only reason I kept it was to be available when I returned to my old city every few months to do the program stuff I did when I lived there.  No reason to carry the cost of buying minutes to keep it activated.

It was odd.  For two days I looked at the minutes remaining, only fifteen+, and all the time I was thinking that it was time.  That phone took me through my own shelter living, being homeless and all that jazz.  It is properly the time to allow those months to become a more fully released part of my past.

I know it is the right time, and that I will have to contact the clients who still check in for help, and give them my current phone number.  They are still important to me, but all the rest of it, what lives in the past belongs and deserves to stay in the past.  More healing and it feel pretty damn nice.

I released a lot of my frugalness into the Universe.  It is no longer appropriate for me to live as though I am completely without resources, not anymore.  I still do not have a lot of money, as what some/most people might think of as enough money, but it is enough for me, and I splurged on a few holiday items that the thought of buying would have sent me cringing and gnashing my teeth...poor teeth.  One thing is that I went to the dentist and got a good cleaning, something I usually do myself, as I have some nice, used dental tools.  I must be doing a decent job at it because both the dentist and the hygienist commented on how healthy my mouth is and how good my dental hygiene is.

Because I have been taking such care of my teeth, I was able to cancel the extra dental insurance I have been carrying since I retired.  The cost of two cleanings is less than the yearly premiums, so yay!

In the same spirit I cancelled the extra vision care.  I found a decent, although insanely expensive ophthalmologist so that I could get a good post-surgery and diabetes check up, as well as new prescription eyeglasses.  My vision has not changed and I will not need the insurance to buy new glasses for a long time.

Dropping those two extra insurance premiums might seem as though a quite frugal decision, but having them gave me a nice sense of security when that feeling was mostly lacking in my life.  But, you know, in the past/stay in the past.

A really sad thing is that I left a group of wonderful women with whom I have built some nice relationships over the years.  That was a place where I felt safe in a way that my in-real-life did not often afford me.  The leader of the group must not like me because she has made several comments to me that are dismissive of who I am, where I live and the character faults she believes that I have.  Leaving that group was so painful.  Still is.  But, I do not, did not deserve the pretend niceness and snarky words from her. 

I guess it is time to pull up those big girl panties and just get on with the new stuff in this life.

I am still volunteering at the food pantry/thrift shop, and loving it more all the time.  The truth is that I am kind of an odd person and it takes a moment or two for people to like me sometimes.  This bunch does, for the most part and I even...and I cannot believe that I did this...went to their Christmas party on Sunday afternoon.  Free wine and wonderful food, cupcakes, and the governing board gave each of us a gift certificate to be used at the shop. 

You know, working there is an alchemy of blessing and curse.  As a sorter and taker-in of donations, I get to see all that stuff on the days I work there.  All I can say is thank goodness that I do not work there every day.  We cannot buy stuff until it has been on the sales floor for a couple of days, but that does not help curb my infatuation with old linens.  Lordy.  I also bought myself a great winter coat (with soft and warm lining) and a bunch of weird bits and bobs of potential crafting materials which I am using to make my version of Victorian beaded and embellished tree ornaments.  I am loving the process so much and it is encouraging me to use a lot of the stuff I have been collecting and saving, as well.

My health has improved under the care of the doctor I found when I moved to this village.  Every ridiculous health issue that had horrible results has been brought to normal levels, as evidenced by my most recent test results.  I still have an immune or endocrine system issue that remains undiagnosed, but I am happy that all my hard work is finally showing benefits. 

I went along on a day trip hosted by the village's senior citizen center and had fun.  I was hoping to connect with some potential friends, but I think I have to do more with them if that is going to show any promise.  They have a noon meal program and I would like to go to that, but I keep forgetting to call the day prior and make a reservation.  Maybe I will be  able to remember to do that tomorrow for Friday's lunch.

What else.  I see the boys often and even though I no longer live more than an hour away they still ask me to sleep over.  I can leave their house and be in my own, sweet bed in a couple of minutes, but I will say yes one of these weeks.

Healing and recovery from that other life is still happening, a bit more easily than in the beginning.  It took more than forty years in that marriage to make me ill (and more than a little bit crazier than I already am), but I still feel impatience at how slowly all of this is taking.  I keep repeating to myself that everything in its time, and I fully embrace that, it is just that my leaps and bounds towards health in mind and soul are steady, but so small sometimes. 

There are days when I can feel that I am a different person.  Hopefully improved, but there remains that old uncertainty and reluctance to believe that I deserve this new life.

And, you know, perhaps I do not deserve it, but, by gosh, I have earned it.  I earned the right to have this wonderful life, a life beyond my most dear and tender dreams, with every horrible thing that I have survived. 

My life is richer for all of those experiences and I know with complete certainty that it was necessary for me to be living and manifesting the life I now have.  The work I do now. 

Someone famous said something about how sad it would be to die without finding and living the life/work/whatever you were intended to have in your life.  To have never found our particular path.  I heard it on a television drama and they named the person who said that, which I have totally forgotten, but I was struck with how sad that really would be, and I was immediately grateful for all those years of experiencing and grasping at life, surviving all the worse days and nights and being able to use all of that to let my life take me where I am intended to go and to the work that is what I am supposed to be doing. 

Life is pretty nice.  Tonight I have lots to show that. 

All the fixings to make a few pounds of fudge, some dark chocolate covered cherries, the ones that are all liquidy inside.  Two darling polar bear cubs to give my grandsons on my way home today. 

I knew that the little one would love it more than anything, although I bought one for each monkey boy.  I saw them in a Xmas shop whilst on that senior citizen trip, but did not have enough money along to buy them for the boys.  I found a shop a few towns away that special ordered them for me.

A bunch of plastic bins and buckets from the dollar store to help organize my tiny closet and wardrobe.

It is just so lovely, so miraculous and blessed that small things are bringing me such joy every single day.