Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

letting go

I have let a whole bunch of things go recently.

Today it was my second cell phone, the cheap one that I kept as a safe phone for my clients and for use by those with whom I worked at the homeless and DV shelters.  It can still be used for dialing 911 for emergency help, so I will keep the battery charged in case someone at the food pantry or homeless program places need a phone for just that purpose.  The nice thing about this particular phone is that it can be reactivated at any time by buying one of those pre-paid cards for this company.

The thing was that the only reason I kept it was to be available when I returned to my old city every few months to do the program stuff I did when I lived there.  No reason to carry the cost of buying minutes to keep it activated.

It was odd.  For two days I looked at the minutes remaining, only fifteen+, and all the time I was thinking that it was time.  That phone took me through my own shelter living, being homeless and all that jazz.  It is properly the time to allow those months to become a more fully released part of my past.

I know it is the right time, and that I will have to contact the clients who still check in for help, and give them my current phone number.  They are still important to me, but all the rest of it, what lives in the past belongs and deserves to stay in the past.  More healing and it feel pretty damn nice.

I released a lot of my frugalness into the Universe.  It is no longer appropriate for me to live as though I am completely without resources, not anymore.  I still do not have a lot of money, as what some/most people might think of as enough money, but it is enough for me, and I splurged on a few holiday items that the thought of buying would have sent me cringing and gnashing my teeth...poor teeth.  One thing is that I went to the dentist and got a good cleaning, something I usually do myself, as I have some nice, used dental tools.  I must be doing a decent job at it because both the dentist and the hygienist commented on how healthy my mouth is and how good my dental hygiene is.

Because I have been taking such care of my teeth, I was able to cancel the extra dental insurance I have been carrying since I retired.  The cost of two cleanings is less than the yearly premiums, so yay!

In the same spirit I cancelled the extra vision care.  I found a decent, although insanely expensive ophthalmologist so that I could get a good post-surgery and diabetes check up, as well as new prescription eyeglasses.  My vision has not changed and I will not need the insurance to buy new glasses for a long time.

Dropping those two extra insurance premiums might seem as though a quite frugal decision, but having them gave me a nice sense of security when that feeling was mostly lacking in my life.  But, you know, in the past/stay in the past.

A really sad thing is that I left a group of wonderful women with whom I have built some nice relationships over the years.  That was a place where I felt safe in a way that my in-real-life did not often afford me.  The leader of the group must not like me because she has made several comments to me that are dismissive of who I am, where I live and the character faults she believes that I have.  Leaving that group was so painful.  Still is.  But, I do not, did not deserve the pretend niceness and snarky words from her. 

I guess it is time to pull up those big girl panties and just get on with the new stuff in this life.

I am still volunteering at the food pantry/thrift shop, and loving it more all the time.  The truth is that I am kind of an odd person and it takes a moment or two for people to like me sometimes.  This bunch does, for the most part and I even...and I cannot believe that I did this...went to their Christmas party on Sunday afternoon.  Free wine and wonderful food, cupcakes, and the governing board gave each of us a gift certificate to be used at the shop. 

You know, working there is an alchemy of blessing and curse.  As a sorter and taker-in of donations, I get to see all that stuff on the days I work there.  All I can say is thank goodness that I do not work there every day.  We cannot buy stuff until it has been on the sales floor for a couple of days, but that does not help curb my infatuation with old linens.  Lordy.  I also bought myself a great winter coat (with soft and warm lining) and a bunch of weird bits and bobs of potential crafting materials which I am using to make my version of Victorian beaded and embellished tree ornaments.  I am loving the process so much and it is encouraging me to use a lot of the stuff I have been collecting and saving, as well.

My health has improved under the care of the doctor I found when I moved to this village.  Every ridiculous health issue that had horrible results has been brought to normal levels, as evidenced by my most recent test results.  I still have an immune or endocrine system issue that remains undiagnosed, but I am happy that all my hard work is finally showing benefits. 

I went along on a day trip hosted by the village's senior citizen center and had fun.  I was hoping to connect with some potential friends, but I think I have to do more with them if that is going to show any promise.  They have a noon meal program and I would like to go to that, but I keep forgetting to call the day prior and make a reservation.  Maybe I will be  able to remember to do that tomorrow for Friday's lunch.

What else.  I see the boys often and even though I no longer live more than an hour away they still ask me to sleep over.  I can leave their house and be in my own, sweet bed in a couple of minutes, but I will say yes one of these weeks.

Healing and recovery from that other life is still happening, a bit more easily than in the beginning.  It took more than forty years in that marriage to make me ill (and more than a little bit crazier than I already am), but I still feel impatience at how slowly all of this is taking.  I keep repeating to myself that everything in its time, and I fully embrace that, it is just that my leaps and bounds towards health in mind and soul are steady, but so small sometimes. 

There are days when I can feel that I am a different person.  Hopefully improved, but there remains that old uncertainty and reluctance to believe that I deserve this new life.

And, you know, perhaps I do not deserve it, but, by gosh, I have earned it.  I earned the right to have this wonderful life, a life beyond my most dear and tender dreams, with every horrible thing that I have survived. 

My life is richer for all of those experiences and I know with complete certainty that it was necessary for me to be living and manifesting the life I now have.  The work I do now. 

Someone famous said something about how sad it would be to die without finding and living the life/work/whatever you were intended to have in your life.  To have never found our particular path.  I heard it on a television drama and they named the person who said that, which I have totally forgotten, but I was struck with how sad that really would be, and I was immediately grateful for all those years of experiencing and grasping at life, surviving all the worse days and nights and being able to use all of that to let my life take me where I am intended to go and to the work that is what I am supposed to be doing. 

Life is pretty nice.  Tonight I have lots to show that. 

All the fixings to make a few pounds of fudge, some dark chocolate covered cherries, the ones that are all liquidy inside.  Two darling polar bear cubs to give my grandsons on my way home today. 

I knew that the little one would love it more than anything, although I bought one for each monkey boy.  I saw them in a Xmas shop whilst on that senior citizen trip, but did not have enough money along to buy them for the boys.  I found a shop a few towns away that special ordered them for me.

A bunch of plastic bins and buckets from the dollar store to help organize my tiny closet and wardrobe.

It is just so lovely, so miraculous and blessed that small things are bringing me such joy every single day.


  1. It is lovely to hear you sounding so contented, J! Just sayin';-)

  2. It is nice from this side, too.