Truth is that I rarely wonder about anything.
I budget well, so I never have to worry or wonder if I will have enough money.
I keep myself healthy and my environment sort of fine. At least I never have to worry about the health department coming in and going insane.
I recycle and cross the street properly.
I pay my taxes, gladly, actually. Go figure.
My relationships are healthy, too. I am fine with family and I have good friends back near the city where I used to live and here in the village.
These are the things over which I have control. Nearly complete control. So, all the rest can just take care of itself.
This has been the mildest, most snow-free winter season we have had in decades. Plenty of rain, but since the ground is not frozen in this area, all the rain is great. There have been places with flooding, which is very sad, and the unseasonably high temperatures seem to be fostering some tornadoes, another very sad and unfortunate thing. Unfortunately, weather is out of my control and whilst I wish that bad weather and all other bad things did not happen to anyone, I, my family and friends are fine, wherever they live.
Presidential politicking is in full swing/affront/bullying/insults/outright lies and general foolishness, the kind that can have serious consequences, but again, aside from staying informed (even though the televised debates and new articles make me sick) and being the best voter than I can, there is nothing I can influence, much less change.
There is more international bad news than ever.
On and on, so many rotten things, places, people, circumstances and situations.
I accept that I can have no influence on anything save myself and the people and agencies with which I occupy myself. Just one person, doing her best and making sure that I follow my code.
I should probably have more rules for myself, codes, practices, beliefs or whatever, but I have just the one. Well, I do have two things/codes/beliefs.
The first is that I believe in something beyond myself. I have no idea what that is, maybe a god or something, Universal consciousness, cellular memory or something. My childhood and that of my siblings was miserable. I feel like there is nothing I can say to describe it that is not an understatement. Best left undisclosed anyway, except to say that some of us are more messed up than others and that three of my siblings are dead as a result of our lives in that household.
I think that the reason I survived relatively intact from those years, as well as that other life, because I knew that there was something more than myself, something more and better than what we knew and experienced whilst growing up. I pretty much thought that all families were like ours until I was well into high school. Yeah, slow learner, well trained.
Still, I knew with absolute certainty that there was something more. It had to be better than what we had, if only by default, although it was decades before I could properly articulate any of that. I sought solace in books. I read anything and everything I could find. Anything. If it was something with words printed on it, it was fine reading for me. The worst punishment I could receive was to be prevented from reading. I can still feel that loss sometimes.
But, I knew that I would survive and survive I did. Those lessons served me well during that other life, as well. It is not an exaggeration to share that I can remember several occasions when I should not have done that whole survival thing.
And, as I grew up, that clear belief in something greater than myself clarified into a two-belief coda. I am using coda correctly, I think, because this whole living here, in this body, time and place is lyrical in a way that I can feel, but will never be able to express in words. I think it touches my work and my art, as well as my relationships, this lyrical aspect, but words are inadequate in so many ways.
We are here, alive, in this flesh for two reasons. To be happy. I mean, why would we have these amazing bodies, crazy minds and kick-ass planet if happiness was not the end game. The second reason we are here, alive, in this flesh is to be of service.
I think that service can take any form, or shape or practice or whatever. If it is founded in faith, then super, but I do not think traditional faith is necessary. Anyway, that is the first part of my code for living.
So, anyway, all of that defines my actual code and that is to be aware. Conscious. Something like that. You know, kind of a cellular awareness. Not biology so much, although that certainly is part of it. Kinds of like a cauldron of my thinking, the places my heart is pulled, nature (I think), that whole greater than myself aspect and knowing that everything is connected. Yeah, that old axiom about mind, body, spirit, universal connection. Yeah, Carl Jung and all that jazz. Rumi and Buddha. All those and all the other folk who follow that path.
If I am alone in this life, than what could possibly be the point? What purpose does being involved superficially...or even deeply...with anyone or anything thing or belief have?
Is it enough to be a good person and do all the right things and say all the proper words and behave in certain, generally acceptable ways? Is it enough to just not be a bad person?
You know, I am not particularly religious, even though I have practiced formal religion in my life. Sometimes is it nice to be part of a community and have a publicly ritual life. I hate to admit this, but I am not sure that I believe in a traditional, or even nontraditional, god/God.
I do believe in people of all kinds, even those I do not understand. Even those who do not like me, or "get" me. I believe in cats and other pets, and wild animals and trees and clouds and other planets. I believe in oxygen and germs, atoms and boulders, and synthetic fabrics and other artificial stuff, like fake Christmas trees and canned soup. I believe in cultures and ethics and nationalities and how fucking more alike all of us are than we could ever be different.
And, you cannot look at, into the face of another person, even someone you may despise at the moment (or forever) and not believe that there is darn right good in the world, in everyone, no matter how heinously they behave.
And, yet, I do not wonder about much of anything. I have experienced a whole lot of healing this past six months or so, perhaps more and more intensely than I have in a very long time, years and years. There are days when I feel different, maybe even a little transformed, more confident, less fearful, more at peace, and all of it without trying or conscious thought. It is wonderful, and whilst I know that I am doing the work that brings all of this greatness to me, I sometimes wonder that I do not wonder about stuff enough. That, maybe, I am not enough of a planner or thinker or that I am not invested enough about my future or what I should be doing or not doing, how I should be moving through my life and my little part of the world.
Maybe I do not have big plans or dreams because I refuse to invest my self, life, energy or heart in things over which I will never have any influence. Maybe I am not a decent world citizen.
I guess, if I wonder about anything, that aspect of not being a good enough world citizen, or being involved in local politics or things like that, is what holds my wondering thoughts.
Then, I get over it and just go to my volunteer gigs or be with my little guys and their parents and my friends, or visit and chat at my favorite little cafe (really, who ever thought I would have a favorite wee place to eat and chat??? amazing).
I guess I just have small interests. It has to be enough, because I feel that I have nothing to invest in wondering what might be coming.