Seems as though the cardiac nurse, with whom I have a history, is more offended by me than I am upset by feeling not heard during our first phone and in-person contacts.
Yesterday was cardio rehab again. We sit and chat outside the rehab room until they let us in. That nurse arrived to open the door and she talked and laughed with everyone except me. Four patients and a husband were greeted and chatted up. Me, not so much, in fact, she never made eye contact with me and studiously ignored me the entire session.
My lesson from this is to stop trying to have a conversation where I can explain myself and ask questions. Kind of sad, as I thought that gently moving into interacting with the folk in my life was an improvement to being passive and simply agreeing with whatever someone else tells me. I want,desperately, to believe that she was invested in sharing what she feels is the proper information and that my questions to clarify some things seemed like I was challenging her. I really think that is what happened. Anyway, I have no intention of trying to mend our professional relationship
So there is that.
I do not think this would have bothered me so much had not I been grieving so much from the death of my ex. I hate feeling this vulnerable and unable to take any kind of control over what happens to me.
My daughter and I went out for lunch today, to, not celebrate, but at least sort of acknowledge her birthday. I bought her some funny socks from the little store attached to the vegetarian restaurant where we ate. We talked a bit about her father/my ex and we shared that each of us had gone on-line to find information about how to manage our grief. She to look for information for people who's parent had been estranged from them, and me to search out help for people experiencing the death of an ex-spouse. We both found that this grieving will most likely take a year, perhaps more.
I can believe that, as I am not yet able to begin to sort out all of the feelings I am having. It is clear that each of us is mourning his death, but maybe more importantly the loss of opportunities to have been able to reconnect or some damn thing.
Well, anyway, I am off to find some Ella Fitzgerald and some upbeat jazz for my exercise-focal MP3 player, for when I exercise. The fitness club I joined (free Silver Sneakers membership, via my insurance) had cable television screen attached to the treadmills. Maybe I will watch some whilst I finish my 10,000 steps for the day. That total is not easy to reach, and I am missing it by so much each day. I wish the process would let you do the maximum over two days. Then I would be over. Yay.