Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Monday, January 14, 2013


I am feeling better and this waiting is for a return to wanting to do anything.  Seriously, I would accept interest in any activity.  Even housecleaning.  My doctor says that I have been feeling ill for so long and have been so inactive that I have to push myself to do what I can when I can.  Excellent advice.  Rats.

Spring needs to come.  I am so cold.  This flat is so drafty that as soon as I find one place where frigid air is gusting through, several more come to my attention.  There is even a draft from the bricked-up fireplace.  There might not be enough plastic sheeting in my city to help with this.  I am keeping the temperature down, to 55F, in order to help equalize the indoor and outdoor temperatures, but it is damn cold in here.  If CoolCat shows any signs of being affected, well, then I will have to take action of some kind.  I wonder if the cold is contributing to my melancholy.  Laziness. 

My attorney tells me that she will have good news for me soon.  She has been telling me this for some time.  I suppose that it means that she is continually working on it.  This is not helping me.  If my ex has never had any qualms or hesitation about being in non-compliance of the court orders, has from the first hearing, continues to do so more than five months after the final decree, and has never suffered any legal consequences, then the chances are excellent that nothing is going to change.  All it does is mess with my head about how I struggle financially.  None of this is doing me any good, unless something turns into good news.  Whatever.  A side note is how comfortable I am, at my age, saying 'whatever'.  Lordy.

I guess that is it.  The other stuff for which I am waiting is either gross or stupid, most likely petty.  It is like I am waiting to grow up.  Truly, I do feel kind of immature, not connected or in control of so many things. 

Is life like this for everyone?  I really would not know, because having a normal life is new to me.  I struggle all the time with how I should act, what is appropriate for me to feel, although I think that feelings are just what they are.  Not much control there, only what I do with them.  Or, more properly, what I am not doing with my feelings. 

Doing well, generally, just all over the place today.  Hungry, but no energy for cooking.  Trying to avoid looking at the mess in my bedroom.  Want to take a nap, but making myself stay up and do something useful.


  1. I'm numb! I've read the whole of your blog, I want to cry out in pain for you, I want to go plunge a screwdriver into his head, I want to go shake those people who knew you, who are your friends who never noticed what was going on but most of all I want to come there and sit on your couch, hug you tell you it's okay, it will be day. Then get pissed! Do you drink? I can for both of us if you don't :D Do you realise how much progress you are making? I read backwards from the end to the start, I couldn't stop once I started. Do you realise how important what you have written is, or could be? Back it up, print it out, whatever! Just make sure you save every word, because I can see this in a book one day.

  2. Oh, be happy for me. I am. Happy, that is. The past is never over, but it prepared me for the new life I have. I cannot stop looking backward, it is still too fresh, too present, but it controls me less and less all the time.

    Every day is a blessing beyond measure. This place, is where I try to empty myself when I need to get rid of some nonsense. And, it is nonsense, because what I have now is real, like a real life.

    As for normal, I am taking my time discovering what that will be for me.

    Have a drink. My meds do not allow for adult beverages, and it makes me happy to think of you tossing a few back for me.

    1. Then I am happy for you too and thankful you are still here to share. And yes I will toss a few back for you for sure. :D I don't need much persuading, and you probably know that by now hahah! ♥