It has been weeks since there has been more than moments or minutes of sunshine. I know the Sun is still up there, it simply cannot penetrate the horizon to horizon breadth of grayness. So, waking to full Sun and having it last until after 3 P.M. has been very nice. That I missed part of it by napping does not thrill me even though my sick and tired body is grateful.
All the coughing and the rest is headache inducing, muscle exhausting and just plain miserable. I have been ill so long and it was my unspoken hope that longer days, albeit marginally, might help fill me with positive thoughts and clear my lungs. I actually do feel better today, so all those hopes are still here.
So. The Sun. I was so glad to see it today, especially on New Year's Day. I called several friends to offer New Year wishes and one of them asked me if I make resolutions. I think the only one I make is to not make them. Ever. There were so many years when I resolved to be a better person, to absolutely do my best to discover and do the right things, the things that would keep me out of trouble with my husband. I failed very year. Never got much better at divining whatever it was that would make us safer or more accommodating or pleasing him, making myself more likable. Maybe even someone that he might love. I still failed.
It did not have anything to do with the New Year or resolutions or anything. But, new beginnings were a significant part of our relationship. Every time he would do things to me he would be hugely and abjectly sorry. He would apologize, say it would never happen again. He would cry and tell me that it was not his fault, that it was stress at work, but more often that it was something I had done or not done. I rarely knew what he was talking about, and I would have to forgive him. Over time my forgiveness had to be said a certain way. My reply was that it was all right, it was fine, it was a new beginning. Nothing more, nothing less, or the cycle of abuse, remorse and forgiveness would immediately begin again. What a fucking mess.
It was only after I left that I realized how ritualized the entire process was. And, you know, I have come so far that it surprises me a little bit that I am even thinking about this today. Even a few months ago I would have immediately gone and forced myself to release the thoughts and do something else, but no more. Now I am trying to honor all of this and truly forgive him, and more importantly forgive myself for being the completely less than wonderful person I was, as well. I have always believed that I was a mess, that I could never do anything right, that whatever the situation or circumstance that I would do the wrong thing, but I am not all of that. I am just a person who does the best I can, and, really, that has to be enough.
I am still struggling with therapy and would love like you cannot believe to just stop going. Unfortunately, I realized as I was leaving the session last week that I do not have anyone with whom I can talk about any of this. My friends have their own lives and someone who is in the kind of ongoing pain that I have is a drag on anyone, especially people who love or like me.
So, unless they specifically ask me about some aspect of this, I never mention anything. That suits me. I am tired of all of this. I am willing, often grudgingly, to deal with thoughts and notions as they rise to the surface, although I am still resistant to the whole issue of feelings. Everything in its time. This being a grownup and building a new life is exhausting sometimes.
But, there was Sun today! Yay! I am crafting this New Year's Day Brightness into all of my new beginnings, every day of new thoughts and awakening desires and trust that I will always have what I need. Honestly, until this very moment I was not even aware of how hopeful I have become and that I do trust about these things. Trusting people is going to take more, what exactly I do not know, but at least there exists the possibility.