nothing

That is pretty much what I am doing today, what I did yesterday and on Sunday.  I should be doing laundry right now.  It is not going to happen because I awoke with a migraine (for a week now) and a sore shoulder (a couple of weeks).  It must be shingles, even though there is nothing showing there, on the old skin. 

I mean, what else could a sore shoulder be? 

I went to pull the Krim plant from the garden, but found a partially ripe one that I promptly knocked off, so it is ripening on the counter, and there were three big ones, still fully green, so I trimmed it and it stays, hidden beneath the monster cherry tomato (provenance unknown) that is still going strong.

It is five feet tall and has filled in half of the ten foot length of my 10' by 12-18" space along the porch.  I have a porch, it is so cool, I love it and it still thrills me a year after moving here.

Anyway, the cherry tomato gives up a couple of dozen fruits each day, has, probably, a couple of hundred greenies and almost as many blossoms.  That plant is going to produce well into November, because my plan is to use my tablecloths to cover it for the first few frosts.

I can hardly express how important this little garden space has been for me this season.  It is more than a source of food, it is a total support system of self support and empowerment and all-over nourishment of the highest order.  If I can take that sandy and weedy space and and be able to eat well from it, then it seems as though I can do anything if I am willing to put effort into it.

As long as I am home, I should do some more organizing and divesting, but in order to do so I would have to pull up my big girl panties, and I cannot because I am too painful in the noggin and have not done the laundry.

This whole moving forward and making changes thing is becoming easier.  There are times when I am leaping and it still amazes me that I can and that I have this life.  I know that it is ever so boring, but I never imagined having this life.  Just amazing.

As for leaping, this weeks brings me the opportunity to do plenty of them.  A friend's daughter is getting married and, well, I do not attend public things like this.  Oh, sometimes I do, I did for her older daughter, but it is so difficult.  

Family things were much easier and I could make myself attend.  My ex wanted nothing to do with his family, so if I did not go wherever, it was awkward.  Or, it would have been if I had stayed home, which I did not.  I went to every single things that his family planned, every wedding, holiday, christening, first communion, graduation, shower, birthday party, housewarming, everything.  They are nice people and they liked me a lot.  I would have sworn that they loved me as much as I loved them, but then last year happened and, given the death threats I can be sure that they are not quite so fond of me anymore.  How stupid of me to miss some of them so much. 

There have been countless times when I was invited to something and could not actually go, sometimes at the last minute.  It is unbelievable that I have any friends at all.  Seriously.  Anyway, I am going this week.  I have already shared with my friend that I might not be able to handle both the wedding and the reception when she called yesterday, and I asked her if it would be all right to attend the ceremony and skip the reception, but she prefers that I come to the reception.  That is the most stressful part, but I will do my best to make it there and stay for a while.

The problem is that I am fed up with not being able to do the things that I want, would love to do.  When I think of all the times I have made things difficult for my friends because I bailed out at the last minute, it makes me feel so sick.  I want to do this stuff.  It has always been just too frightening to go somewhere and now know anyone aside from a friend. 

I can do this.  I will show up on time and I will stay, well, not to the end, but I will eat and sit around and be sociable.  And, I have no excuse for not going.  I promised, something I will honor, and the reception is a half-block from my flat.  So, whilst I am not the center of the Universe in any situation, my friend joked about tracking me down and dragging me there.  If I have to be prepared for a public dragging, I might as well go on my own.

I miss CoolCat.  Doing the right thing at the right time or, more accurately, only a little later than it should have happened, does nothing to lessen the pain of not having him here.  I watched a little clip of a dog and her puppy this morning, and the longing for a cat was nearly overwhelming.

My resources are much reduced from fourteen years ago when I adopted CoolCat, and whilst money should not be a barrier to having another cat, it is.  Neutering, vaccinations, just too expensive.  I would prefer to have an older cat.  Kittens are fun, but I am away too many hours on two days each week to leave a little one alone.  Plus, I like the idea of adopting a cat that has a reduced chance of finding a new home, and that means an older cat, probably with some training issues that need work. 

Unfortunate parenting happens with pets much too frequently, and untrained or poorly trained animals are the most likely to end up in a shelter.  The excuses are often that someone (almost always a child) has developed allergies or that the family is moving to a place where pets are not allowed, but experience has proven over and over again that the pet was not properly trained or socialized.  Just plain sad, and it is the main reason that shelters are overcrowded and their resources overtaxed. 

The next time that someone bemoans, criticizes and calls foul about shelters that have to euthanize pets, I hope they can keep in mind that not a single animal in a shelter is there because of anything remotely their fault. 

The responsibility is not the animal's, not the shelter worker's or volunteer's, but resides firmly on the shoulders and conscience of the pet owner who did not do right by their pet.  Just plain sad.  More than sad, it is disgusting. 

As for shelters that call themselves no-kill, if there had ever been a single instance when they turned away a single animal, then that pet had to be abandoned somewhere, often another, often municipal, shelter that never turns away any animals.  Yeah, everyone, every shelter has limited resources, especially private ones, but you cannot pick and choose the most likely adoptable pets and still think of yourself as no-kill.  You are simply passing the responsibility and heinous job on to the public shelters that accept all animals and does the best they can. 

The truth is that until people stop irresponsible breeding, adopting pet willy-nilly, without full consideration to the needs of the animal, without accepting full responsibility for properly training, socializing and commitment to the life of that pet, shelters will be needed, and they are charged with doing the dirty work for everyone who does not make that decision wisely.

How the hell did I get on the topic of animal welfare work?  Maybe it is connected to responsibility, as in how I am working on increasing my responsibility to where my life should be going and growing.  Maybe that, combined with missing CoolCat.

There is a shelter in another town that offers free adoptions of cats when their facility becomes too full and is their last ditch effort to avoid euthanizing.  I can afford food and regular health care for a cat, just not the initial costs of caring for a cat.  

I think the truth is that whilst I am so lonely for a cat, I might not be ready.  If I were, there would be a new kitty to introduce.  There is not.  Ergo, I am not ready.  So be it.

Life is tough for everyone.