Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Monday, September 30, 2013


It is the middle of the night here.  I am not sleeping well, have not for months and months and, then, a few more months.  I used to take a generic antihistamine to force my body to at least drowse.  It no longer works well.  Even one tablet a half hour before a decent bedtime and I feel drugged in the morning.

The stresses of the past few dozen weeks is showing on my face.  I have had one form of acne or another for the better part of fifty-five years.  The worst is the cystic acne I get now.  It seems to come from nowhere, causing lumps and bumps of considerable size, mostly on the lower half of my face and on my neck.  It is embarrassing to have, although it causes little pain.  Just have to wait it out.  The damn cysts show up at the end of stressy stuff, stay for as long as it takes them to heal or shrink or whatever they do and wherever they go.  I have only two left, just under my jaw, where some glands are. 

I am feeling kind of packed with life stuff.  I have come so far in my recovery and am doing so well in this new life, that when the bottom drops out of my good feelings and happiness, it is more disturbing and disorienting that it was when my life was not so great.

And, the thing is that now that I am pretty freaking well, I am expected to never have negative, sadder emotions.  There are some important people in my life who believe that since the worst is over, that I should be acting and feeling as though it were high noon, sun shining, birds singing, flowers blasting into being where the unicorns frolic.

Unfortunately, my life is not working that way.  It is now what passes for a normal person experiences as what passes for a normal life, with all of the ups and sideways and plummets.  And, for a while there I thought that was what my life was supposed to be like, because everyone kept telling me that is what it should be.

I knew better.  Better than anyone.  I know the difference now between a frozen life and one that gets to be what it wants and needs to be.  I know what it means to pretend that everything is fine, that nothing horrific happens when no one else is around.  I know what it is like to have to go out in the world and, just to be safer, act as though none of that crap ever happened. 

I was good at that.  Hell, I was amazing at keeping those secrets.  I was so great that I felt like the biggest liar in the Universe.   Nearly my entire public and familial life was one huge process of keeping those secrets.  An interesting result is that there are people, his family and friends that still believe all of the lies he told them and when I left he created many more lies to protect himself.  There are people who believe that I am the most awful person.  Ever. 

How do I know all that?  I know because, despite my efforts to keep to myself and avoid all of that mess, as soon as the divorce was final and I no longer had to stay in hiding that my dishonesty was over and I was always honest about where I was, where I lived and worked, even to having my current address used on the final decree paperwork.  I have come to regret that on a few occasions, as it made it possible for people to contact me.  I would not change that act of courage that made my information public.  As time passes, I feel safer and am less worried when I leave this place or leave work or shop at the market or visit friends.

Everything in its time.

I really do love my life now, even with CoolCat gone.  There is not anything I would wish to be able to go back in time to change.  Not a single moment.  Not the worst day.  Nothing.

I have what passes for a normal life.  I like it.  I like every aspect of it, even on days like today and yesterday and the day before that when I am not feeling all that noontime sunshine, cannot hear the birds singing and the unicorns are off somewhere, eating butterflies, or daisies or violets or whatever they eat.

It is all right to be full of sadness when it is appropriate to feel that way.  It is fine to be full of longing for all of the things I never was able to experience in that other life.  I get to wallow in all of that once in a while, and I get to do it in my own way. It occurs to me, once in a while, that being without CoolCat has something to do with this, some added layer of sadness and missing him on top of months of study and testing and trying to do everything with less and less money.  It most likely is that I do miss him so much.  This is the very first time in my life that I have lived entirely alone, no other living thing shares this space.  It is worth working through all of this, allowing the experience to work through me, to find out what is on the other side of this new part of my new life.

I am hoping that tomorrow...later today...will be better.  I am sick and tired of feeling sick and exhausted and sad.  I get to feel that as well.


  1. People are funny creatures, when my friends 3 yrs old died(cerabral palsy plus a whole host of other things) some people thought it was for the best!! WTF! How can a 3 yr old dying be for the best, she was ill for a long time and it was probably a release for her, but fuck it's never for the best. It just made their lives all hunky dory and thank fuck they didn't have to be out in a difficult or embarrassing situation ever again! . They get so caught up in their 'perfect' little live they don't like sick kids, beaten women to come and disturb that. OK breathe...1..2..3... rant over. Sorry luv but it makes me a bit cross. You're doing great, but you're going to have bad days. Shit Shannons been gone nearly 16 years in November and still I have bad days, and she wasn't my daughter. You'll get them they may be there forever, who knows. As time goes on you'll deal with them better, we have to. As for the others, feel sad for them as I feel for those who think it was for the best, they never knew her and that's the really sad thing. So chin up girlie it'll pass. Maybe soon you could give a loving home to an animal that need lots of love. ♥ Sorry fer waffling, I've had a large gin & tonic cos I can hardly move after doing 2 1/2hrs of hours of gardening and hardly put a dent in it! Sigh!

  2. It helps to know that other normal people, that means you by the way, have all of the all over the place normal life feelings.

    The difference now is that I understand that things will get better. It is just that there are moments when my longing to have those people still be a part of my life is so strong. They do not care about me and I accept that is never going to happen, but I continue to want contact with relationships I thought we had.

    How sad that is. Probably a little sick, too. I guess that I was just flooded with all of the what-ifs, what-could-be, the whole missing of the good parts of that other life.

    Normal, huh.

    1. No not sick, very normal. I miss my friends back in the UK and pretty much all of them said they will be over to see us in NZ, but they said that last time. If they come, they come, if they don't they don't. It used to upset me, but now I'm resigned that they may never come. I supposed by setting yourself up for being disappointed you get less sad, if it goes the other way then then it's great. I can understand where you're coming from, I do know however that when I do see my friends/family we carry on where we left off. Your circumstances for your separation from them is far different to ours, we made a free choice to change our lives, you had to change yours to survive. Go out and make new friends they can become great friends, ours have here. Never to late to start again ♥

  3. Oh, and I now rent so that I can pick and choose whatever household work I want to do. I shovel the snow and I have my little garden and if I do not feel like hosing off the house and porch or sweeping the driveway or sidewalk, I just ignore it so that the landlord can have his fun, too. :)