The best part of that site is that it links all over the place and time is much linear than ordinary. Today I found a note about a sign at an active volcano which has sulphur pools in the crater. The signs says,
It is costly to take an injured or dead person out
Avoid unnecessary expense
I just hate it when someone has to drag someone's body out of a sulphur pool, living or otherwise. Don't you?
It made me think of all the opportunities I have for going astray. Sometimes I am distracted or resistant to making some change in my life, and there are plenty of times when I am just, plain, too lazy to do what needs to be done. There I go, stumbling and lurching along, stuck in the same old patterns, making the same old mistakes, trying out new ones, not paying attention and falling into the same old sulphur pools. It stinks more than it burns, and that is the truth, especially at this place in my journey.
A good example. I went to a church service last Sunday and it was nice, the sermon was very nice and the people I met at the hospitality thing following the service was even more nice. I ran into four current friends/acquaintances...pleasant surprise...and met more nice people. My intention was to go again this morning, but I slept late, did not have enough time to shower and get dressed, and realized only later that I could have gone because of the change in Daylight Savings Time.
Which, is ridiculous, because if I really wanted to go, the alarm would have been set and I would have showered last thing yesterday.
The reason I did not return there is because I am just...this...close...to making some decisions about where my spiritual life is going. I had another meeting with my adviser this past week and we had a good session. I am taking more responsibility and am now seeing her just once a month. I felt stuck there last week, and I had this popping moment of clarity yesterday about how I am over thinking this. Now that I have choices, I am stuck thinking that I have to analyze and have all this angst about what I do not want. Like being a superficial part of the community, as though I can even explain what that means.
So, I am going to take a risk and just let the whole church and faith thing be whatever it is going to be. I am releasing any qualities that I want it to be for myself and for the church. I have always simply gone along with the flow, doing whatever someone else wanted me to do or expected or wanted to control. I think that is making it difficult for me to release my relatively stupid expectations about what I should do and expect.
I have lots of them. I cannot seem to avoid them entirely, but at least I can haul my sorry ass out on my own now. I am tired of scraping the stink of failure off of my sorry hide.
I am tired of not doing things or making decisions because the burden of doing that seems overwhelming at times.
A good example. My daughter called this afternoon to tell me that they bought a new car. The reason is that they were rear-ended by an inattentive driver, and the car was totaled, to the tune of more than $20,000 in estimated repairs. The very young woman who hit them was very upset by having caused the accident, and nearly incapacitated when she walked up to my daughter's car and saw my grandson in the back seat.
The doors were all stuck shut and whilst the air bags were scary, everyone was properly buckled in, with my grandson in the middle section of the rear seat because the little one was visiting his other grandmother at the time. But, the best part is that no one was hurt. The second best part was that the tow truck guy let my grandson help operate the controls to lift their car onto the towing ramp. One of the state Sheriffs who responded gave them a ride home, which was another thrill because the boys love cops more than anything.
So far so good, but I have not spoken to her in more than a month, just before the accident. Both of us are busy. Me moderately, her insanely. Between caring for two busy young boys, college classes and a husband who travels internationally half of the month, I hate to call and find her busy, especially when she has a moment to herself and is studying.. That means that when I want to call her, I hesitate, try to figure out what she might be doing, and then not call.
No more. I am planning on calling whenever I feel like it. If she is busy, she will let my call pass on to her voice mail and call me when she has time. Her plan is the same in this direction. I am hoping that this strengthens at least of bit of the reserve that we have between us, during this whole divorce mess. One can only hope, and this has never been a fail/pool, so it would be nice to keep it that way.
A couple of things.
Cystic acne, particularly more than fifty years of it totally sucks. Mine is triggered by stress, so I have had it often over the eons. I have had the latest breakout(s) for nearly two months and I am really tired of the pain and disfigurement.
Frozen meatballs from the market are not good. I bought some and have baked them, served them plain, with seasonings, gravies and, today, homemade tomato sauce. Ewww. Erp. I am so disappointed, as I like the low-fat nature of those little spheres of meatiness, but they are a pain to make. I do, however, have a nice, big pot of saucy, mushroomy spaghetti. Enough to last for days and days. Yum.
Friday's job application lab was interesting. Only three people came, but that is because we have not sent out press releases or letters to the agencies. It was very helpful in determining the level of experience and need of the people who will come to this lab, and the kinds of support materials and tutorials I will need to create. Allover, it was a satisfying experience.
I watched some cat videos this morning. I want a cat, but seem unable to make the commitment right now. Want, need and grieving. Such a small issue. Such a large heartache. Such a tiny problem.