I am thankful about so many things that I cannot remember all of them. That is not true, I am grateful, but I also remember every single good thing that has happened to me, all of my life fershure, but most especially this past year and a half.
I can recall each of them, in excruciating and sweet detail. My memory is good. Good enough to make being in relationship with me difficult. Not impossible, but if someone remembers everything, it is sometimes uncomfortable, on dozens of levels, not the least is that it becomes impossible to lie to that person about past conversations, events and stuff like that. Not that I hold people to the same burden of memory that I have, and the simple truth is that I have my memories/truth, the other person/people have their own memories/truth and somewhere in the middle...or at either end...the actual truth about what was said or what happened.
Everything we remember is filtered through our emotions and beliefs at the time when memories are captured.
Except, whilst my memory is not eidetic, it is precise and includes sounds, smells, the weather, what everyone there was wearing, where they were standing/sitting, and on. Yeah, I would not be all that eager to have me as a friend, either.
It was especially difficult for my ex. He knew that I had this creepy memory capability. He still lied to me, about me and bullied and bashed me into total agreement with what he said and did; my compliance was part of his control over me. Long and boring memories, frankly, moving on.
Anyway, I had an occasion for being thankful and the opportunity to express that this afternoon. Thursday is my default head day. It begins with my spiritual adviser, followed by my therapist and then group. One stop shopping/expanding/shrinking/sharing. All I have to do is remember to keep the parking meter fed. Since the day is pretty much shot after all of that hard work, the afternoon is for laundry, where I get to relax with a book, just sitting, people-watching and chilling. Sometimes I sit and stare, zone out, and, really, it is the laundromat, so who cares. It is a nice couple of hours.
Just as I arrived there, I noticed a woman across the room and went to say hello to my old friend, C. She said that she had looked up, thought she recognized me and was not sure and was not going to say 'hey'.
Not only was it nice to see and talk to her, but it is an opportunity for which I have been waiting for a whole year.
One of her sons was my ex's attorney. As bad at that experience was, the whole terrible and abuse-riddled divorce process, the one, singular and not-horrible thing was his attorney. Despite my limited knowledge of how difficult he might have been as a client, that man, the attorney, seemed to be one of the most honorable people I have ever known. Or, met I guess. No matter, he was a plain decent person and I sometimes think that if my ex had stumbled upon or searched for less decent legal representation, that we would still not be divorced and every last cent would have been stolen and I would have given up long ago.
Fortunately, I had a decent attorney as well. Expensive, but ultimately successful in helping me move on and do so with a portion of what I should have received. Different attorneys and I would have nothing, so yay for good lawyers. Yay.
So, anyway, I was able to share how deeply I respect M with his mother. Surely she already knows what a fine son he is, what an amazing...and decent and honorable...person she and her husband raised. And, of course since she and worked in the same school all those years ago, and because my daughter was one of her favorite students, and because we still hold each other in high regard, it was the nicest kind of love fest. Like, really nice.
Then, her husband, B, rolled up in their SUV, accompanied by their little dog, I was able to say hello to him and share just a few words about his fine son.
So, not only have I been able to be thankful for this honorable attorney, it has been one of the few not horrible memories that I have from all of that mess, I was able to nearly re-experience those feelings again with his mother. I asked her to share my thanks and gratitude with him and to give him a hug from me. That might not be appropriate litigant behavior, but none of us are litigating any more and no attorneys are being hired and paid, so, well, go sue me for wanting him to know how much I appreciated, still do, who he is and how he is.
He represented my ex beautifully, and I was able to appreciate this only when everything was nearing the final resolutions a few months ago. That is just prior to finding out that he was my old friend's son, someone I had never met or knew much about in the first place.
Yet, if he had been a bad player in this whole mess of a divorce, I would probably not give a rat's patootie about any of this, just the way I feel about my ex. Just a thought, but it is stuff like this good son/lawyer/person issue that keeps defaulting into thinking about my ex. Crazy.
I am also thankful that we are beginning my new program at work. Tomorrow is the first day that I will be using the computer lab (where they conduct computer use classes) for the exclusive use by people who need to use the Internet for job hunting and related tasks. I plan on being really strict about keeping everyone focused on employment-related stuff, but I am used to working with middle-aged toddlers who easily lose focus. Maybe I could offer a reward of after-session treats as a bribe for staying on task and not using the time to check their social media accounts or play Mah Jongg.
Thanks for everything.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Thanks for the memories.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
Thank ya for bein' mah friend...
“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.” Cicero
Life is so freaking good. Who woulda thunk it.