Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Saturday, March 28, 2015


I finally sorted out most of my medical mess yesterday. 

My new and self-proclaimed greater and more comprehensive insurance is certainly new, but is fraught with not great and whilst it may be more comprehensive (I will never know because I am too confused right now and it might become my usual state), it is much more confusing to navigate.  A conservative estimate of how much time this ate up (sorry, it is late and I am hungry) is that I spent between ten and twelve hours on the phone or on the computer, often working on both at the same time.  By the time I left the pharmacy last night, having cleared up a whole poop-load of miscommunication that originally indicated that I might be hoarding or misusing one of the happy drugs, I was more than exhausted, but feeling so much better about every darn thing.

As for misuse of that med, I had mentioned that I was nearly out of the pills and when my doctor's office called in a new prescription, the nurse called me back and told me that the prescription was refused because I already picked it up.

He was positive that was the information from the pharmacist, and I could not remember doing that.  I have been so sick I thought it must be that I am more unwell emotionally.  I was questioning all kinds of things and experiences from the week.  And, I was really frightened, scared that my mental illness was getting out of control.  I mean, if I could not remember fetching an anti-depressant, could not find the bottle or paperwork anywhere in the house or the car, then I was in serious trouble. 

All of my doubts about my abilities and my path towards better health meant that it was all probably an illusion.  I could feel myself going to ground, preparing to hide out and hope everything would pass.  And, then, it seemed as though confronting my bad memory about the med would provide some useful information, something that would help me pull myself back to what stands for normalcy for me.  I decided to go back to the pharmacy and have the pharmacist tell me that, yes, I had picked up the medicine.  I needed that closure about that.

Turned out that I did not pick up the medicine, but it had been re-shelved because it was rejected by my insurance because a refill was being requested a week and a half too early.

I am good at being able to express my feelings now, but I cannot express the relief I felt about not having made that mistake.  Even better is that the pharmacist was so helpful and explained how to take all of the new and old meds so that they would be effective, especially since there were increases in dosage and new meds. 

I was so thrilled that I bought myself some mascara and a 12-pack of diet cola on the way out and promptly dropped it just outside the door.  Had to go back in for bags for the cans that spewed all over and it is still in the car.

I am a very resourceful and determined person.  I sometimes think that I am more stubborn than dedicated, but it is what it is.  I rarely give up.  It is one of the reasons I am still here on the planet.  It is how I am able to get up in the morning and do stuff.  Most days.

This past week was a challenge and I was not all that physically or emotionally up to it. 

I have been in and out of illness without sufficient breaks of health for a long time. 

I finally found a doctor in this village and she is outstanding.  No nonsense, and I really like and need that.  She also was clear about how I was not properly medicated (except for the happy drugs, which she only had to noodle with a bit). 

So, I am on some new meds, have in increase in others/happy drugs, and two meds are gone.  Even so, I am taking more stuff than before.  It is too soon to know if any of this will work well, but I am feeling more confident about where all this is going.

I received the last of my test results yesterday and I do not have the suspected problem, and the results were so good that because of the results and my age I do not have to have that painful test again. 

I think that what bothered me so much this week is that I had to keep calling back to my insurance company because whomever I talked to had given me incomplete or incorrect information.  What if I had gone with the first and bad information?  I shudder.  I need to add here that part of the problem is with me.  I am not assertive enough to ask questions when faced with someone who is positive that she is correct.  I could not ask for clarification or challenge anything told to me.  That is why I had to keep calling so many times, hoping to connect with someone with the right information and with whom I felt comfortable talking.  This is not the fault or a problem with the people on the other end of the phone.  It is with me.

What worries me is that I found myself paralyzed at several points during the hours and days of calling and that I had moments of just giving up and doing without the health care stuff I needed.  As it is, one of the specialists I need cannot be found closer than one hundred...yes, one hundred...miles from where I live.  I wonder how that fits into my new, better and more comprehensive insurance coverage.  My final call to them yesterday afternoon reassured me that this is the case and that fact even astounded the company representative that was trying to help me.

So, I will be going without the help of that kind of medical resource and my doctor is readjusting some of my meds and we are going to consider this the best we can do.

I am feeling less fragile and hope that I will be able to figure out what all of this is here to teach me.  One thing I know already is that I cannot take my endurance for granted, as I nearly failed, gave up a couple of times.

I still have to find a therapist and dentist next week.  Fortunately, I have only one day with something that needs to be done, so I have plenty of time to search my insurance coverage on-line, make calls and have little breakdowns.  But, I am not quitting.  I am going to get this mess straightened out, keep reminding me that most of the mix-up is because of my abilities to cope and just keep keeping on.


  1. Goodness me, J. I hope you get it all sorted out soon and also that you start feeling a lot better!

  2. I think you did remarkable well considering how you were feeling at the time, to keep going and finally make some sense of it all. I think it happens to many people, not just you, when on the phone with a rep who is so very unhelpful that it's not until you've put the phone down that you think of an appropriate response! As for the forgetting stuff, shit woman I do that all the bloody time and I'm not even on happy pills!! Feel better soon, the new doctor sounds great, such a shame it all takes so long to get everything together eh. Sending a big cyber hug because I'm in a huggy mood and everyone needs a hug ! xx

  3. Wow, I think you need an award for endurance. I would have "lost it" with the misinformation and given someone an ear full of hostility. Glad you found a doctor you like. Hope the rest is easier to sort out and not as stressful. Big higs XO.