Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

my wallet hurts

In order to make up for a tiny bit of the financial shortfall resulting from someone who is not me stealing from me, I will have to sell my car sometime in January or early February.  I thought that I could let it go now, but I need to stockpile things, canned goods, staple ingredients and cat litter, that will be too difficult to haul home during the winter.  And, I want to be able to visit my daughter and her family through the holidays.

By using a big chunk of the proceeds of the house sale, I have been fully paying my medical bills, CoolCat's vet bills and vaccination and licensing fees, repairs to the stupid car and preparing it for cold weather, paying my insane legal fees, and buying a few necessary items for our new home here.  We now have enough blankets and fabric for replacing some of my clothes.  We now have a fire extinguisher and a toilet plunger!!!!  Yay!  I still have a lot of medical expenses coming up, but my doctor is accommodating and I can have the tests and treatments done as I can save up for them.

Clothes.  A perfect example of how frugal I have always been.  Never buy anything unless you absolutely have to.  Unfortunately, all of my clothes are in really quite embarrassing condition and I waited until the fabric I needed was on sale and used a big coupon to buy most of a bolt of it.  That felt so good.  I can make five or six garments for less than the price of one new shirt.  Yeah, that totally rocks.

So, even though the house money will not last the six years I had planned, it should do me for at least two, and selling the car will bring in a few thousand and a nice refund for the insurance.  Yay!  Like, really, yay! I have been looking for a job for more than a year, and am not giving up hope that I will find something. 

Still, I have to wonder why an unexpected bill from a dentist sent me over the edge yesterday.  A little background is that I have not been able to afford dental care for a few years.  I had a broken tooth last year that was repaired by my old dentist.  She is kind of crazy, but she came through for me and fixed that broken tooth very well last September. 

Then, during the whole running away from home thing, it broke again and I could not afford to go back to her. I found another dentist that is walking-distance from where I live and whilst the work done there is not as good as my old dental clinic, it was what I could afford.  Or, so I thought.

Yesterday brought a $120.00 bill from them after they had told me in June (when I had the tooth re-glued, which lasted only a few hours), that I did not owe them any more money.  Crap.  I went in and paid it today and they could not even give me an actual bill because "well, dear, that is not the way we do things here".  The woman at reception was doing only what she could do, but I need some kind of documentation of my expenses in order to apply for financial assistance.  She made a copy of the form they sent in to the insurance I had then, so if I decide to go ahead with seeking help, that should do.  Still irritates me that I could have paid this darn bill months ago.   Not a total loss though, as my therapist says that it is good and time that I feel and express some emotions.  Feeling irritation counts, yes?

You know, when this all started, my attorney told me that everything was going to work out just fine.  That I would receive my share of our investments and that I would have enough to buy a little condo somewhere and have my teeth fixed and be comfortable for the rest of my life.  I told her that was never going to happen because I knew my husband and that none of that would happen and I was just happy to be out of that situation and that would be enough. 

As time went on I began to believe her.  My first mistake, as I truly knew what he was capable of doing and that he had never been fair, much less generous, at any time during our marriage and that he was absolutely not going to let go of a cent if he could avoid it. 

Ending up with virtually nothing is, well, I take full responsibility for that.  I wanted out of there and to be safe...and much that I agreed to everything he did during the process.  Just like when we were together.  You know, I really thought that if I did not take him to court over the abuse and if I agreed to everything he wanted that he would magically turn into a decent person and, well, you know, be decent. 

Seriously.  What was I thinking.

However, I would not go back and change anything that I did.  It will never be over because he cannot stop harassing me.  It is what it is.  Has to be enough, but I have to admit that more money would be awfully nice.  Yep.  Just have to let all of this go.

I was listening to something the other day, and it was about the laws of attraction.  I know there are books or something, but beyond that I know nothing.  Anyway, this guy said that what we draw into our lives is directly connected to what we say and how we think.  I agree with that, and so I have designed a mantra to say every day, at that guy's suggestion that people say something similar to what he says every day.  It is I am enjoying the money that is coming into my life from every direction.

So, mine will I am happy and I am safe and I am enjoying the money that is coming into my life from every direction.  Yeah.  That should work.  Oh, god, I am such a doof.  I cannot say that with sincerity or even without chuckling, but I am going to try it for a while, at least.  I do have to say that it is nice to have something fun and funny like that to help me not be sad.  Which I still often am.  Baby steps.  Everything in its time.  Yeah.

Oh, and the spa where a woman and two of her co-workers were murdered by her ex is re-opening  tomorrow.  Blessings for all of them, especially the owner who refuses to allow that tragedy to destroy her life work and the livelihood of her employees.  She has been paying them their regular salaries/wages during the more than a month that the spa has been closed.

Her six-year-old daughter was asking her about things and she told her that you have to persevere and survive through the darkest of times, or something close to that.  She said that she has redesigned the interior of the building somewhat, that it is the new normal for the people who work and come there for services.  Man, she is so cool. 

I just saw her on the television and she and the other women are so inspirational.  They are re-crafting their lives and their work and are taking special care for the families of the murdered and injured women.

So, whilst my wallet is recovering from it's most recent injuries, my heart is kind of full of hope that everything really is going to be fine eventually. 

O.K., little confession here.  I know that I have to move forward, but it is impossible to get that message through to my heart and every time I see something that he liked or foods that he liked or even those stupid nut and toffee things he liked from the Asian market, I cannot help but think that no one will ever do any of those things for him.  No one is likely to make things special for him or cook his favorite meals.  Maybe that is or will happen, and it certainly has nothing to do with me anymore, but those little things stop me right in my tracks.  I really am stupid.  I know this.  What a macaroon.  Oh, well.   More baby steps.

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