well, there you go

Thanksgiving was lovely.  Spent with family, and most especially the grandbabies, it could not have been any better. 

I tried to hang on to that feeling the next day when more bad stuff happened.  It resolved, as best these things can, and I guess that a day of suffering for no good reason is all part of this process and of becoming stronger.  The no good reason aspect is because no matter how I craft this new life, there are always going to be forces that are determined to destroy each bit of forward movement I achieve.

But, I have determination, too.  Less than I want, and yet more than I ever thought possible. 

I took that bad day and re-shaped it into positive experiences.  I mailed card packages to some really cool friends and had a nice and surprising personal conversation with the postmaster who processed my mail and sent all of it on its way around the globe. 

I took care of business at the bank and spent time working and re-working my finances.  Speaking of the bank, I seem to have some wonderful friends there, another unexpected result from just getting out there and finding my way to doing what I need to do.  Crazy. 

Even though I will have to sell the car in a couple of months, I am being proactive and stopped by to see my mechanic friends to arrange for a complete check-up and winter overhaul for the darn thing.  I have known this family for a long time, all the way back to when our children were in preschool together.  They know something bad happened this year, because someone who is not me contacted them during the whole divorce thing, trying to make more trouble for me.  I have not any idea of what he said to them, only what sifted down to us via his attorney, but I am guessing, only guessing, that because they know me that they took little notice of that stuff, whatever it was, and, gosh, I was so reluctant to stop by to arrange for this auto work, but I did it anyway because these people are my friends and it was more important to take the risk there than get the car work done someplace new.  Life is so complicated. 

I still have to find a new doctor, pharmacy and other stuff that is close to where I live, and find all of it soon, for when the car is gone.  I have been studying the bus schedules and have a fair idea of how I will get to the markets, do laundry and all the rest.  There will be a fair amount of walking and the exercise will be great for me. 

Every day finds me stronger and more competent.  I am finding that, even though it continues, I am able to release the negative energy of the bad stuff.  I do accept that the harassment and danger from him is simply not going to lessen as long as I am alive.  I will never have any closure on any of that, and it is something with which I must find a way to live.  I think I am doing that. 

Some days baby steps, other days more forward movement, but it is what it is and I accept that I will never be able to stop being conscious, consistently aware and proactive about staying safe.  The police have been clear about making sure that I will not be reluctant to contact them for any reason.  I think part of that surely must be the recent murders of women by their ex-husbands in the city near to us. 

I am being very careful about my surroundings when every I am out of my home.  I pay attention.