reality might not bite, but it does snarl

In the past month, or so, I have been taking stock of what I have and what I need to do. 

I have given up on the whole belief that I would receive what I deserved to have from my marriage.  I cannot stop hoping for the best outcome, but someone who is not me has never been an honorable person and refusing to be killed by him and leaving did nothing to improve his beliefs or behaviors.

So.  I have finally accepted that my share of our investments is most likely completely stolen and I have only what I have.  In that spirit, I am releasing my stingy ways and moving forward.  Here is where my frugal ways will help me.

I crunched the numbers and made some decisions last week.  I cleared all of my jobs and am taking this entire week off to make the arrangements necessary to have the best life I am able to have. 

My Medicare advantage health care plan went belly-up and I received a telephone call last Tuesday that I had three weeks to find a new plan.  There are not any as good as what I had, which is probably why it is no longer available.  Today I spent all day on the phone trying to find something I can afford and I decided on a plan that has fewer resources and that costs nearly $60.00 more per month.  That means some changes.

• Last week I cancelled the basic television service I had. 
• I cancelled the repair appointment for my computer and will use it as it is.
• I cancelled my cell phone and yesterday bought a disposable, buy-minutes-as-needed phone.  I have given the new number to my daughter and two friends. 
• I stopped going to have coffee/breakfast with my friends as of last Saturday.  I think that this is the most sad of all of the new economies.  Savings mostly of the gas needed to drive there, but also any coffee or food I might buy.
• I lowered the temperature settings a few more degrees, made some house pants and am layering on more clothing in the house, something I should have already been doing.  I do not know how much that will save, but every bit helps.
• No lights on in the house any more than necessary.  Dishes and other stuff will be done only during daylight hours.  I have always used power strips to stop phantom electric usage, but now everything except my computer is completely unplugged
• I am asking friends is they have memberships that can be shared (via the membership rules) to the warehouse places and am planning on buying cases of the staples that I use so that I do not have to grocery shop more often than once a month for fresh food.  I do not have freezer space (half-sized refrigerator/freezer).  I can also save on cat food and litter there.  I also need to get some of that removable caulking there, for the windows here.  They are  nearly seven feet high and the cost of plastic sheeting or window quilts (unless I find some fabrics I can sew together at the charity shops) is prohibitive.
• After the holidays I am going to sell the car.  That will bring in a bit of money and save on gas, and I could do it now, but I want one more holiday season to go up to my daughter's.  After that I will use the bus in town, a real bargain as seniors pay half-fare.
• I have made arrangements at the vet clinic to be able to pay them for CoolCat's immunizations in installments.  I will make the appointment at the end of December so that he can be vaccinated and licensed. I will pay that off and then put a few dollars away each month for when he gets his next illness.  Which he will because he has a couple of chronic health issues.
• I went shopping and made a couple of investments.  
• There is only one small closet here and hardly any cabinets, so I ordered a pair of two-shelf plastic cabinets that I can stack in my bedroom for food storage.
• I bought plastic shelving (man, those things are nice, and cheap!) so that I can unpack and organize the sewing and crafting stuff I have and can begin making and selling things again.
• I bought a package of foam insulation stuff for the doorway.  There is already some there, but I tested it with a stick of burning incense and there is still some air leakage.  I will also be making a fabric covering to hang over the entire door frame.
• I still have to buy a grocery cart thing, but I could not find one that I would be able to haul onto the bus.  As long as I have the car I can keep looking at the charity shops.

These things will not eliminate all of the money issues, but they will help me steward my resources more effectively until I can find a job.

I have also decided, against the realm of reasonable and frugal judgement, to find a dentist and have all of my dental problems fixed.  This is going to take a significant portion of the money that I have, but it is a good idea, long term health-wise.

Once I released my attachment to the hope that I would be treated fairly and not completely fucked over yet again, I experienced a nice calmness that continues this week.  I should be feeling something about all of this.  Perhaps I am not yet close to feeling anger or loss, much less dealing with any of that, but I feel as though I should be feeling something, sadness and loss or something.  I think sometimes that my therapist is right in that if I could feel any negative feelings or have any negative thoughts and maybe even find a way to cry about any or all of this, that I would be better able to do whatever I need to do. 

But, I am having some really serious forward movement in my life and it seems as though that should be enough, at least for now.  I am handling all of the financial stuff, was able to find new insurance before the deadline and, gosh, I think that I am doing really well.  I am alive and I have CoolCat and that just, plain has to be enough.  Crying is for babies.