Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, June 28, 2013

well, well, well

I just finished e-mailing back and forth with my attorney.  We e-mail because it costs me less in fees.  Go figure.  Typing takes longer than talking, but it is cheaper.  Anyway.

The result of this is that I have some of my share of our resources involving the investments, at least the major one.  Whilst that one account has had funds withdrawn, the other accounts have been effectively gutted, as have all of the bank accounts and other resources.  I am receiving less than that to which I am entitled, but it is a significant amount, at least to me.  This means some equally significant changes in my life.

I do not have to worry about paying my bills.  My rent, utilities and groceries will no longer be a stress issue.  In fact, my diet will really improve, as I will be able to buy foods that are more supportive of my diabetes and heart condition.  Yay.  I will be able to buy more fresh food.  Yay.  I may even be able to treat myself to some frivolous stuff once in a while.  I will have to be as frugal as always, but will have better control of my blood sugar levels.  Yay.

I will not have to keep all of the lights turned off after dark, and I can raise the temperature in here during the winter.  I can run the ceiling fans when it is too warm and run the little air conditioner I bought when it is too hot.  Lots of comfortable sleeping in my future, for CoolCat as well.  He has taken to sleeping on the cooler floors and, frankly, his comfort is more important than mine because he cannot make a choice about any of this.  He is my captive audience where comfort levels are concerned, and now we will both be much more comfortable and happier.  I might even put that air conditioner in the window today.  Yay.

If I get sick, like have some expensive health issues, the part that is still in the investment fund can be tapped without penalty.  Yay.  I can finally go to the dentist and have my teeth fixed.  I had been saving for that when I left that other life, but had to use that money to hire an attorney.  My mouth is going to be so happy.  And, since I have taken myself from working for the next several weeks, I will actually have time to do that.  Yay.

I will be able to keep the car.  Will be able to visit my daughter and all the boys more often.  Yay...yay...super yay!!!  I can put more than one tank of gas in the car each month. Yep.

I will not have to choose between my own health care and CoolCat's.  I might have the opportunity to attend some summer fun, like the county fair or a church festival or two.  So nice.

I will be able to afford to keep my Internet service, something I was working on yesterday, trying to find a less expensive provider and failing at that search and beginning to mourn the loss of what is one of my most readily available and important connections to the outside world.  Sure, my friends are great, but the computer provides me with so much, well, fun.  Research, too.  I prepare information for my clients when I am not at work, so that is important.

I can move up to a more convenient cell phone.  For ten dollars more each month I will be able to afford a phone with unlimited minutes.  As soon as I have consumed the minutes remaining on my phone, I will be choosing a local, more cost effective provider.  I can hardly wait.

I can, finally, give generous tips to the group of handymen who helped me last year when I was readying the house for sale.  They charged me a fair price, but the work of hauling all of that hoarding crap out was, well, it was just the worst of the worst possible experiences for people who are accustomed to doing this kind of work.  There were five men who worked their damn asses off and each of them are going to receive a hundred bucks from me this week.  Well, it is Friday, but I have left a voice mail message for him and I will be making arrangements to see them next week and give them the money.  Of all the 'yays', this one ranks right up there.

I am sure that plenty of other things about my life that will be improved from this new development will occur to me from time to time as the circumstances of something present themselves, and I predict more "Yays" to come.  Each one will be a surprise, a pleasant delight, a moment of abundance, an opportunity to end some fear or inconvenience, a long and luxurious period of gratitude.

And, the best part is that during this final mess, my ex was still trying to present bogus bills and expenses and insists that I owe him #265.00/US.  Seriously?  After everything that he has done, this is his parting shot?  I have to share that when I read that a few minutes ago, that I laughed out loud.  Then, I sobered because it triggered memories and feelings and fears that I have been thinking were left behind.

Clearly, I still have much healing to do.  That part is interesting.  PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder.  You work and work and strive for healing and recover and when you least expect it, something happens and you are right back, directly moved back into those experiences.  I have been working for the past five or six months on reducing my nervous, involuntary movements, sort of like tics.  I am not so concerned about being my usual crazy self here at home, but I would dearly like to at least appear less crazy in public.  I have so many movements, leg bouncing, foot wagging, hand fussing with hair, clothes and jewelry.  I am like a fucking one woman band of silent annoyances. 

Unfortunately, even when you are invested in stopping or modifying these things, the PTSD will not allow forward movement when I want it.  Healing happens as it happens and it appears that I have years of this crap ahead of me.  So, the interesting part is that whilst I have significantly reduced all of the movements by concentrating on the full time, the stress still is there and needs release, so I have begun stuttering again.  Were it not so embarrassing, it would be funny.  Truth be told, I do find it amusing sometimes that my will and intent are at such odds with my body. 

My therapist assures me that the stress trigger and how that manifests in my body will be a steady, although slow, process.  Man, I hope I live long enough for that.

A few steps in the direction of healing were to write back to my attorney, tell her to stop investigating the missing funds and to give my ex the $265.00.  This is a tiny price to pay for having this be done.  I hope he enjoys every penny of that money, as least as much enjoyment I am having just giving it over to him.

My attorney assures me that there is nothing left for him to use to delay or change what is happening and I will receive what I am to receive in the next month or so. Oh, and there was apparently still some money in the trust account at her office, so that will be divided next month.  It is only a few thousand dollars and my guess is that it might cover most of the legal fees for the past month.  She has earned every single cent of that money, and I have received every cent of benefit from it.

In her final e-mail this morning, she began it saying that she was personally proud of me for having come through this entire process as I have.  That is worth gold.  I am proud of me, too.


  1. Thanks, I never, ever, ever thought any of this would happen. Well, I could say that about the other life, but this one is a nice surprise. Cake for everyone!!!

  2. good :) I still believe in karma :)

  3. I know you do. Nice to hear from not be a stranger, O.K.?

    Even though the worst is finally over, I am still doing lots of work on myself. I has been twelve hours and I think it is finally sinking in that the worst truly is over. Yay.