happy

Dear Diary,

This is what normal feels like, at least the new normal I am crafting.  I may have written about the three times I have felt happiness since being here.  Three actual moments of a deep and comfortable feeling of contentment, but mostly safety I guess.  No matter, it has been decades since I remember feeling like this.  Sure, I have felt happy, pleasure and joy during that time, but not happiness, and I do not know how to explain this.  Perhaps it is the quality of safety that makes a difference.  Just do not know.

Whatever it is, I am grateful, happy even.

Today's happiness is my fourth.  The grandbabies just left.  They have been here since Friday and it was just plain great.  As are all grandchildren, they are bright, brilliant even, funny, delightful, brilliant, creative, adorable, brilliant, cute.

I have more fun and love and just everything with them than I deserve.  Truly.  I knew that having grandchildren would be wonderful, but I had no idea of how wonderful.  I adore my daughter and her husband (my own sweet boy, frankly, and who loves me right back), but these children, gosh, I really did not have any concept or expectation that there was so much love inside me to be expressed.  Since their births, maybe even before that, I feel about them the same way that I do about my daughter.  She is a great mom, we all get along famously and try to spend as much time together as possible. 

When I was looking for a home, I spent most of my time searching for a place near to her.  It did not work out and I think that living in this new city is probably one of the most significant disagreements we have ever had.  Of course, disagreeing for us means her saying that I really need to live closer to her and the guys and me saying that I cannot afford anything near to her and that, given that circumstance, my preference is to live here, less expensively and close to my work. 

So, we had fun this weekend.  The only reason they went home this morning is because their mom missed them so much.  She called this morning and asked to fetch them if we did not have any plans for the day, and said that she nearly called last night. 

And, now they are on their way home.  I cannot bear to clean up their toys, although they did some of that before they left.  I just want to see stuff strewn around for a while longer.  When I was married, they could not ever come to the house.  There could never be any disturbance in the 'force' and other people in the house, those he liked were fine, but not so for his own child and her children.

But, whatever.  All of that is in the past and the boys and their parents can visit Grammy any time they fucking well please.  I do not use that kind of language around others, but it perfectly expresses my new sentiments.

Totally unconnected, but I turned on the television after they left and there is a Bette Davis movie on public television.  I have no idea what it is about, I think she is ill and might lose her sight, but it has Ronald Reagan, Humphrey Bogart, and Bette's eyes and her, heretofore unaware consciousness, amazing breasts.  Holey-moley, she really was the whole package, brains, talent, beauty and a sweet person to boot.