what would I give

to have someone in my life who gave a rat's ass about me?

I was just working on the whole feeling feelings thing and I suddenly experienced such longing, and not so much for the loss of things, but for the loss of opportunity to have love and a loving person in my life.

To be honest, I accepted long ago that I was destined to be pretty much alone in my life.  I might be lucky to have nice people around me, but not so likely to find intimacy or love.  The romantic kind.

In the midst of all this longing is knowing how foolish it is for someone my age to be thinking so immaturely.  I have a great life now.  I have an amazing family and some of the best friends on the planet.  I have truly meaningful work.  I have a safe place to live.  I have some of my art stuff and the opportunity to begin that part of my life again. If I ever get my stuff together.

Then, today happens and I go off and read on the DV site from earlier and I read about my life, there it is, right on the page, right on their site, the way it was and I become all emotional again.  I accept that it has been only months since all of that ended, and, still, I want it to stop holding so much energy for me.  Loss.  Stop.  Now.

Instead of feeling gratitude for what I now have I am feeling this stupid loss.  When will I get past this.  I am so fucking immature and selfish.