may

Today is:
May Day
Loyalty Day
Mother Goose Day
Save the Rhino Day

It is also:
Stoopid Unprepared Idiot Who Gets Ambushed At Work By A Friend Of Someone Who Is Not Me Day

Try to put that on a greeting card.  Do not bother.  No one is interested.

I thought that I was prepared for just about anything, but I am not.  One of his friends did a real ambush on me today.  Scared my big girl panties right off.  He saw me, rushed after me and asked if he could ask me a personal question.

My reply was, "Well, O.K."  Stoopidstoopidstoopidstoopid.  I know better.  My response should have been "Thank you, but no." with me continuing to walk to where I could be out of the public areas.  Instead I tried to be polite, knowing that it was sure to be something about my former husband.  It was.  I replied that I do not talk about him, turned and began to walk away.  He persisted and instead of just leaving the area, I replied back that I absolutely do not talk about him.  He continued to ask very personal questions that are fully indicative of him having recently talked to my former husband. 

I finally backed away and he stood there smiling at me.  I have to wonder if it was something that they planned or was just a random, happified opportunity for him.  Either way, I was shaken and shaking.  I frakking know better than to respond, know to demur and walk away, absolutely know to seek help if I need it.  I did eventually mention it to security and was scolded for not fetching them right away.  I deserved it, the scolding and more.  If nothing else, I will be more prepared for the next time. 

In my defense, there have not been any attempts at personal contact from my former husband or anyone connected with him since last August.  I must have drifted into some kind of inappropriate feelings of safety.  I am not saying, or believing that I was in physical danger, after all, we were in a busy public area.  But, however the encounter happened, there was a definable measure of malicious intent and it is unsettling that anyone can think that doing that sort of thing to me is in any measure all right to do.

Truth is, all other people have is what the ex has shared with them, and given the questions I was asked today, the story he is sharing is inaccurate and pretty damning to me.  It is my own fault, my refusal to go public with the truth.  Today confirms my suspicions that his story is how I stole from him, neglected his needs and was disloyal, as in cheating.  I am feeling so demoralized, and I have only myself to blame.  Had I not tried to be polite, I would not have any idea of anything he has said about me. 

I am not surprised, but knowing this now is doing nothing to improve the quality of my life.  And, I have to worry about other people doing the same.  I am probably over thinking this, but now, hours later, much calmer, that guy's smiling feels creepy.  It as though my discomfort and fear created some measure of pleasure for him.  I am letting that go and am refusing to invest this much thought and wondering and energy into today.  I am beyond the point where this stuff destroys my peace of mind.  I was able to manifest that at this week's teleconference. 

Am stronger than I was and I just have to keep moving forward to that life I want. 

At the very least, if such a thing should happen again I will not exactly what to say.

Thank you, but no.

To help balance the day, two people not connected with this place where I work said some really nice things to me.  One was a professional person who told me that the time he spends working with his clients here is made more pleasant on the days when I am here, too.  He said that I am a light that comforts him and makes his work easier.  I am not exactly sure how to take that, much less understand it, but it was nice and I am just going to take it.

A client today told me that he has never had anyone help me as well as the work we did together today.  Awkward, but that is what he shared.  A second client came for a redo of her résumé, and expressed her pain over what had been prepared for her by someone else.  She told me that she was no longer ashamed to give her résumé to anyone.  Nice.

As I was returning to my little bat cave here, another former client stopped and told me that it always helps her when we just talk.    All in all, a day with more positives and more positive energy than the other.  I can totally settle for that.