I am not exactly wiggling and twitching around, but I am awash in a vague sense of disquiet. Although I no longer have any of the triggers (the things that happened in my other life), this week has left me with the same feelings of being in peril that I had when I knew that he was escalating in anger/behavior/general-ass-hat crap.
My metaphorical pit, the place where fears of impending danger takes up temporary residence and before I know it, has taken over a shelf in the closet. I talked about it at therapy today. This has been building for most of an otherwise great week.
I had a nice brush with nature; encountered a doe and her spotty, gangly-legged fawn, and a telephone call offering me a volunteer opportunity helping old folk like me when it comes time to decide what adjunct health insurance to get.
I think that my unease is partly because I am still waiting to hear if I was accepted into that training program and if I qualify for scholarship assistance. I check my e-mail several times a day, but the chances that I will be notified of anything within the next two weeks is small. Two more weeks to wait. Man.
I had a dream about one of my sisters two nights ago. Very disturbing. Her death eight years ago was difficult because we were very close, and I was the person to whom she came for support. As the oldest sibling, that has happened often between all of us, which is what happens with the oldest. In the dream she was angry with me, lots of yelling, screaming and exuberant gesturing of the not-so-great kind. I was defending myself, without success. I did not remember why we were arguing when I awoke, but when it came time for bed last night, the tenor of the dream still bothered me and I could not remember when she died. Things like that, paperwork, mementos and more were lost last year, so I searched for her death notice on-line. She died in February, but her birthday is four days after the deadline for when the training institution will notify me.
Family members and friends appearing in my dreams are rare, which makes this an interesting coincidence. My dreams are unfailingly about resolving something, some issue on which I am working, some aspect of my life that gives me pause. I let my dreams inform me as they want, not analyzing them much, so that makes this particular dream interesting. Or, maybe it is holding my attention because of how unsettled I am feeling.
I came home and was starting dinner, spicy, stuffed Poblano peppers, and a batch of pumpkin bread, but I had let the ground beef expire. Damn. I hate wasting food and have been using everything up like a decently frugal person. Hard boiled some eggs instead and the bread can wait until tomorrow. My plans are to meet with my friends for breakfast and I am hoping that being with them will bump me out of this apprehension.
I am keeping busy; bought and laundered curtain fabric and have worked the soil for planting tomatoes, peppers and something else that I cannot remember right now. I will buy those plant tomorrow on the way home. Gardening and sewing, and maybe making bread, will surely help me feel better. Any action is better than just moping around waiting for something icky to happen.
Nothing bad can happen to me anymore. Sure, I have this groovy life now and I know that bad stuff can still make an appearance, but all of the old stuff is just history. There is no basis or cause for being so unsettled. I guess old habits die hard.