Back in the dark ages of 2010, January 7th, to be precise, I embarked on a personal challenge to do something for 100 days. In a row. I am not certain that I kept to that exact schedule, but I did complete the whole project.
I was inspired by a group in the UK who were doing this thing about
or something positive like that.
I decided that I would use the opportunity to say something positive about myself every day.
You can only imagine how quickly that fell apart.
Most difficult thing I have ever tried.
So, I modified it to include divesting my life of material things. I began by listing the names of books, stuff like that, along with the positive self-talk. That did not last long either. An additional modification was to get rid of stuff and say something positive every day. It would have been nice had I been able to keep up the about-me-part, but it was much easier to declare something positive about other people or people in general, or whatever. I would have to go back and read all of the days' entries. I am fairly certain that I abandoned the positive stuff about myself from the very beginning. I think that I eventually copied and pasted the journal postings, and if I still have it in the documents on this computer, I may add a separate page to this blog on which to list it. The sticking part will be to post it as it, warty growths, unlandscaped armpits, juvenile angst and all.
I did this as journaling on a group site to which I belonged. It was about simple living and I fondly...and seriously...thought of myself as a Simpleton. Still do, as those habits have stuck with me through not only the past sixteen years, but as a continuation of the way I was trying to live back then, even before I found that group or began that part of my life journey.
I did not save any of the responses that other members were kindly disposed to leave in support, but I do remember one woman who told me that it was all well and good to do all of this complaining (although I thought of it as, you know, a personal spewing of everything that fell out of my head and down through my typing fingers and onto the electronic page), but what exactly was I going to do about any of it.
In my naivete, I replied that I had no intention of doing anything beyond just getting it all out of my head. I am reasonably certain that my whining got on her nerves, perhaps even her last one, but the journal was not about her. It was about me and my mostly unconscious need to write about problems and all that jazz, and especially, as it turned out, my marriage, something could not have imagined sharing with anyone, much less a quasi public forum. Anyway, I suspect she never liked me, even a bit, because she was always criticizing me about all manner of things that I shared/wrote, and not just in that journal.
So, anyway, I think I want to do this kind of project again. I am not signing up with a like-minded group as I did before, and I believe that the simple process of making myself write every day, or at least most days could be helpful. Pretty much what I do here anyway, so not to expect anything very interesting or profound or anything.
I think the focus will be on the work I am trying to do on releasing all of the ideas, thoughts, regrets and issues from the past that keep pounding around in my head, especially when I am unable to sleep or relax.
I am going to ponder the whole thing for a few days and begin when I feel like beginning. This is not about resolutions or even really about improving myself in ways like health or exercise or faith practice (something that has been bouncing around upstairs for a while) or being more social or generous or practical or any such nonsense.
This blog is the perfect place. It is very personal, not many people know I write here and it feels safe. Any of the bad players from my past, who would be more than happy to find and distress me, are able to find me here. The few people who do know about this blog are nice and kind and, frankly, people I trust to read my crap and hold me accountable need be.