Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, February 15, 2013


As in a little bit funny.  The ironical, oh, lordy, how ironical realm.  Nearly everything seems laden with meaning about the somethings that are not anywhere near to where I want to be.  Obscure.  It is partially because I am not properly medicated, a temporary circumstance.  Maybe.  I am experimenting with having less reliance on anti- depressive and anxiety meds.  It is an interesting process

My head is so full that I can hardly filter.  Bad stuff last, I am thinking.

Second night in a row in which I woke at 3:00 a.m.  This is happening with increasing frequency.  By the time I feel sleepy again, it is time to begin whatever my day is supposed to be, and then I have to muscle through until the drowsiness passes.  All I want is for the early waking to pass.

 Since quitting the state gig, I have one less day on which something is always scheduled.  It occurred to me yesterday, whilst finishing therapy, which was switched due to schedule needs of my therapist, that if I asked for the change to be permanent, that I would always have a four-day weekend when I did not absolutely have to do anything if I so chose.

Now, that is nice, but it disturbs me as well.  My intention last year was to have a schedule that made me get groomed, get dressed and get out of the house most days.  Two volunteer jobs, two volunteer activities, therapy, laundromat, marketing.  Stuff like that.  Frankly, left to my own devices, I would rarely leave the house, and if I found a way to have meds and groceries delivered, laundry picked up and returned, switched to automatic banking, things like that, I could stay here, indoors, all the time.

I know how unhealthy, in all respects that is, but the appeal is enormous.  It does not help that I now live in a city where all of that is possible.  Out, next to the middle of nowhere, in the country, where I lived before, none of that was possible.  There were not even any public transportation resources.  Now I have those kinds of choices available, and it is so tempting to stay here, inside, where it is safer than where I have been.

But, I cannot do that, and quitting that one, nearly full day of activity left a hole that I have now made a bigger hole.  Oh, sure, I am thinking about the convenience of not having any responsibility to anything other than myself for that four-day block of time.  Very appealing.  Also very frugal, as I will not have to use any resources for driving or bus riding or any risk of spending money.  The money aspect still exists because I still have those needs and regular expenses, but it does eliminate impulsive purchases, like the candy I bought yesterday, my Valentine treats.

I have to guard against my desire to have limited outside contact and my ability, now, to indulge that.  I am going to try the long weekend experiment and just see how that goes.  Maybe it will work out fine, but if it turns into some creeping opportunity to reduce my interaction with anyone except for CoolCat, then I will have to reassess and force myself to introduce more regular activity.   

So, anyway, I seem to have found a spontaneous sense of humor, as in jokes and stuff like that.  One of my current pleasures  is the four or five television channels I can usually find on this little screen thing that is only one of the objects in my new life that seems to be getting smaller and smaller all the time.  The only exception that comes to mind is telephones.  Sometime last year, when I was at my daughter's home, they, the sweet couple, were watching television and I saw Big Bang Theory for the first time. 

I love it.  It is wicked amusing and there is not a single character that does not delight in some way.  The only wrinkle is that it had been on the air for six years, or so, and that I had missed so many episodes. Until I realized that the earlier seasons were probably on DVD.  Bliss.  So, I watch it whenever I can, and have watched the first season and am now beginning the fourth.  Seasons two and three are on my waiting list, library-wise.

It makes me laugh out loud.  I smile.  I chuckle.  I do little snorts of pleasure.  At some point I may have to find a way to have my very own set of DVDs for this show.  I also love the science, even though I only marginally understand some of it and am completely clueless about most of the scientific banter.  I did, however, immediately 'get' the way they say screwed.  Instant delight.  Bazinga. 

One thing I just discovered, via the DVD watching, is that there is a very brief view of a page of quotes on the episode I just watched.  I only half-watch anyway, and so will have to skip through the episodes and see if this is a regular thing.  None of those quotes especially sings to me, but it sure is an interesting idea, having them there.  I just checked and whilst they were not quotes, there is a thing at the very end of each of the two other episodes that I skipped through.  In one, it is self-referred as a vanity card.  So, I Googled.  Apparently vanity cards, entertainment focal at least, are everywhere.  Common.  Who wouldathunkit.  I guess that explains "That's one bad hat, Harry." 

A recent conversation with my daughter was interesting, helpful and kind of funny, too.  There is hardly anything about which we cannot talk.  Mostly.  We never talk about all that stuff, but everything else is fair game.   I remember when my daughter was in high school and college, and she would be telling me things about her life and I would murmur and reply with support, but on occasion I would sit there thinking that hearing whatever intimate details that she was sharing was great, and I appreciated and honored having this kind of relationship, but, oh, sometimes, hearing that stuff did nothing to improve the quality of my that mother-moment.

Regardless, I am grateful for how open and easy our relationship can be.  That our relationship has had it rocky aspects is fine, as that helps me believe that at least one part of my life has been, is, normal-ish.    That I am often the precipitator is of little concern.  I am more than happy to drag her into conversation and then open her up and wrestle out her innermost thoughts.  Juicy.  Not how it happens, but were it necessary I most likely would not hesitate a moment to use the big scoop to get what I need.  Bazinga.

Anyway, I am grateful and pleased that this is easy for us.  In the midst of everything else, we know that we can count on each other without the least hesitation or reservation.  It seems as though this is one thing that I got right, bringing more gratitude.  Not everyone can have this, especially with family.  I can pretty much do the same with my friends.  Strangers are safe from me, but friends...ah.

Since I do not have anything planned for today, my insomnia is not a problem and I can take a rest on my cool sofa, watch more Big Bang Theory and drift off into a nap. 

Rats, I almost forgot the bad stuff.  Newest communication on the financials is that someone who is not me has continued to gut the investments, with evidence that approximately a third of the big account is gone.  Evidence was provided earlier this week, and now we know why.  All withdrawals are in clear violation of court orders and instructions dating six days short of a year.  My attorney is shocked, despite my near constant reminders that this was happening, and she is determined to restore the funds and that I will get my fair share.  It appears that what he has done has resulted in some tax liability and he now wants me to prepare joint tax returns for last year so that I can share in the financial tax liabilities that he incurred when he stole from me.

Cool, huh?  I am leaving it all to my attorney, am not filing taxes with him, and am trying to avoid stressing about any of this, nor do I want to gloat about how correct I have been about everything.  I may be passive, I may be a peace monger, but, much to my delight, I have discovered that I am not a doormat.  Funny?  Yeah.  Totally cracks me up.

No comments:

Post a Comment