Where are they? Nearly everyone with whom I have been in contact for the past week seems to have forgotten what it means to live an ethical life.
I found out that one of the delays of the past several months is because someone on my legal team misplaced some important paperwork and because it was misplaced, she forgot to do what needed being done. Now they are hustling to catch up, but it has broken a little more of my heart in the process of learning this.
It is never a good idea to count on anyone.
I met a friend for lunch yesterday and afterwards she wanted me to accompany her on an errand. She drove and when we pulled into a parking space, she mentioned that her handicapped parking tags would be expiring at the end of this month. I asked why she had them, figuring that she has some physical issue that is not easily recognized, which is the case for many people who can use these tags. She told me that it was from her father and that she has continued to enjoy the benefits of having it. He died a couple of years ago.
I met with a client yesterday morning, in order to speed up the process for her. She had very little information for creating her résumé when we first met last Wednesday. She was really struggling and I agreed to meet earlier than this Wednesday to help her. She needed to gather the information we needed to move forward. So, she shows up on time. Great. She, unfortunately, did not have time to get the information. I sat there and wondered what she thought we were going to do without it, but decided to allow her to come to that idea by herself, which she immediately did. Cool. But, she wasted the time for both of us. I offered to squeeze her in on Wednesday, but it is more convenient for her to come another day. I declined. I am not going to give up another non-work day for her.
One of the regular library employees is also one of my clients. He is looking for a better job, one that brings in more money, something I totally respect. It is expensive just living simply and frugally. He is also an interesting person, with strong connections to his community and has some cool visions for the kinds of community-supportive work that he would like to do. He cannot keep track of his résumé, and asks for copies a couple of times each month. I provide those at no cost to my clients, and I am glad to do it, so no problem there. The issues I have with him are that he constantly asks me to write grants for him and that is something I no longer do. Writing grants is a total pain in the ass. It takes a lot of time, that is spent making absolutely certain that every single, minute thing is done properly. Those days are over for me, and he is charming about it, but he refuses to stop asking. It seems disrespectful, which brings me to the other issue I have had with him.
He was part of the team that planned for my safety during the period leading up to my divorce. Once we had the final decree, that meant a change to less restrictive movement for me in the facility. Cool. Two weeks after that final hearing, he came to my office to chat. He wanted to chat about me giving...not lending...him a lot of money for his community project. I thought that he wanted to just talk about it, then realized that he was waiting for me to offer money to him. So, I asked him if he was wanting me to offer money to him. He replied that, yes, he was hoping that I would donate money to help move his plans forward. I told him that I did not have any money, had no prospect for having any and that it was unlikely that my ex would comply with the court orders to share our resources.
Big picture-wise, none of this matters much. I have the sense that people believe that they can expect and receive all manner of help and support from me. That is mostly true. I love helping. It feeds me, it fuels and supports me. Frankly, given a choice, I would not change anything about the way I am and how I live and how I do stuff. Being active and connected during all of this has been an important part of coming through relatively intact.
But, I would never do any of these things to other people or society in general. Never.
Being forgotten, even for a little while, really bothers me, and it is not because I have paid so much money for this divorce, although maybe that is a part of it. I feel like I am expected to feel gratitude for the scraps that I may...or may not...receive. That I should be slavishly grateful for whatever happens. Sadly, I am that pathetically grateful. I cannot find a job and having even a small portion of my share would be wonderful. I feel selfish for wanting that money. I know that I am not, but I still feel that way.
My friend and my client. Well. I admire both of them for being proactive about themselves and their wants and needs. I cannot easily do that. Enough energy spent on that.
My fellow employee, even though I am a volunteer, I sort of consider the rest of the people there to be my co-workers, in a way. That experience, months ago as it was, has changed my relationship with him. My guess is that I thought it to be more than it actually is. Maybe he is just friendly to me because he sees me as a resource for him, which would not be all that bad, but it really is one-sided. Oh, the reason I even mention him is that as I was leaving the building after yesterday morning's client, he asked me for another copy of his résumé, which I went back upstairs and sent to the printer for him.
I am feeling a little alienated this morning. Everything that happens to me is by my own design. I am responsible for these kinds of interactions and relationships. I am just being a cranky and crabby complainer today. Oh, pity me. Suck it up, baby.