trust

People.  Process. Personal safety.  Frakkity-frak, everything.  I managed to get through this week intact.  In fact, so intact was I that when I had my second therapy session (and, two in two days...actually more like one and a half...does not not signify an extra layer of dysfunction, but willingness to do difficult work when that is the last thing I want to do), we spent a bit more than two hours hashing out all of the frustration about the whole non-compliance thing by someone who is not me.

My therapist is knowledgeable, worldly and her expertise, well, she is absolutely the best match I could ever have imagined having.  She expresses her own frustration about how my ex continues to ignore every court order.  At this point, I have a lifetime of knowing how he is and in terms of truly crappy and disgusting behavior he has never varied in how he moves through the world.  Yeah, it still has the power to hurt me, but I am working so hard to release myself from engaging in that kind of energy.  It is not as though I still love him, although even through the worst that was remained a condition of our relationship, one-sided as that probably was, but I cannot find a way to hate him, which I think might not be all that much in my best interest, hating and all that, but would certainly make parts of this process.  So.

Anyway, we try to work through all of that.  Eight months since the final decree and there is very little forward movement.  My resources dwindle, mostly because I am finding it impossible to find a paying job.  Oh, sure, I can do what I do for free.  Volunteering feeds me in more significant ways that a paying job might.  Or, maybe not, as I have always loved working.  A lot.  And, it is nice to have some money to show for the effort at the end of the week.  I would like that.  Just saying. 

I can help other people find jobs, even my clients with developmental issues.  My physical limitations are giving me grief beyond the usual crap, and I simply cannot find a part-time job that does not require running my frakkity-frak ass off.  Is it too much for there to be a job out there where I can do something similar to what I do now for free?  Last week, whilst working with a client, we came across a job that would have ideal for me.  My clients come first, so I did not apply, just in case she was able to qualify for the job.  I have her time to make application and when I checked yesterday morning, the listing had been modified to "...no longer available."  So, someone, or a bunch of someones, have been shortlisted and the job is soon to belong to someone else.

Now, I am not saying that if I had immediately applied for it that I would have been considered or hired, but I did not even try.  There is a new program beginning this year for veterans, and I only know about it because one of the people involved is the guy who administers the current menu of programs in this area and he called me a month ago and told me that he wants me to be a part of it, like a paid job and everything.  Cool.  However, this is government-related, so who knows what will happen with the project/program, who is going to be involved and how, and if it will even come to fruition.

So, I get through one more week and I am feeling good, like strong.  Now powerful, but I am working so hard to get there.  I am not much of a goal person, but I do hope to get there and be one eventually.  Yeah.

Friday's session left me fully vented and feeling strong.  There is even a chance that I was taller as I left.  I took myself to the hardware store, where they sell reading glasses for 99cents, and whilst I was walking up to the cash wrap to pay for them, my phone rang.

It was my attorney.  She told me that she is filing something, a new motion or proposal or some frakkity-frak thing that will try to end this money mess and force my ex to divide our resources.

Now.  The resources are greatly depleted, and he has no intention of stopping the blood-letting with those funds, so anything that might move things along and resolve this, well, it is a good thing.  However, why is there any expectation that should some miracle occur and he agrees to giving me my share that he will actually do that.  Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.  An excellent saying, one that endures because it is true.  Agreement or compliance is unlikely.

My attorney has drafted a proposal that states that I will be given an equal share of what he has already withdrawn (stolen, truth be told) from the accounts and that the resulting funds will be equally divided between us. 

What the frakkity-frak????  He was supposed to sign the paperwork eight months ago so that could be done.  He did not.  He has spent the past eight months gradually taking whatever he wants.  What could possibly make anyone think that anything will change.  Even if he agrees to the new proposal, he has no incentive to comply.  And, I think that he is unlikely to agree to anything anyway.

I do not want to do this, although I accept that any action is better than no action.  She tells me that I do not have any choice, and that he will have to comply.  I ask how that can be when he has done nothing of the kind so far.  She says that this new thing is enforceable.  But, how?  And, why would he even agree to it.  She says he will, and I say that we can do this, knowing that I will likely be spending the last of my resources on trying something that will not work.  Everybody gets financial benefit from this mess except for me.  This sucks so much that I can hardly bear it.  But, I am going to allow it because I have no other choice.  She is right about that.

I then tell her that I will be selling the car, which I will need to do to supplement my social security in order to live, and she tells me to not do that because being without the car will completely isolate me.  This morning I think that she may be right about the car.  Not to avoid isolation, but because CoolCat and I are likely to be living in it in a few months.

Frak.  At least I have great food in the house.

You know, I will survive this.  I had a really nice conversation with the accountant chosen by my ex and his attorney.  I did not share much about this whole frakking mess, but we ended our appointment with him telling me that good comes out of everything, which I mostly think is crap, but bless his heart for being so nice.  I was being nice, too, because, well, what else do I have left except being the nice person I believe myself to be, but I might have had some measure of disbelief on my face, because he told me that I would be coming back in a year to tell him that things were much better.  Another nice thing to say.  But, he is going to have to find me where CoolCat are living in the car.

I am stronger.  I am also alive, something which I would not be had I stayed for even that day, the day I left.  So, all of that is good.  I am still alive and able to fret and complain, worry and all that is fine.  I have also done some research on how to safely live in a car here.  I will still have to sell the car I have now, and buy a panel van for some privacy, and enough room for the extra bit of privacy CoolCat will need for his litter box, all so much better than the tiny car we have.  There is even a chance that I could trade my excellent car for a decent van, one that runs well.  I can sell most of what I have, bringing in money to equip and keep a van working well.  I know the options for parking overnight, and how to live relatively well, already being super-frugal.  I will have to give up my volunteer work here and move to a larger city.  The one I have in mind is where some of my friends live, so that means that showering is not going to be a problem.  I might not have to do this, but it is very comforting to know that I have this option.

So, my attorney has the go-ahead to do what she thinks best.  I have the go-ahead to hope for the best. 

I am fighting to divest myself of how cynical I have become.  I am hopeful because I am a hopeful person.  Despair might wrestle me to the ground on occasion, but I always find a way to move on.  Forward.  It would be a real shame if I gave up after everything that has happened.  So, I am not going to do that.  I have so many options, which would be one option more if Walmart still had door greeters. :) My personal job this week is to find a job.  Any job.  There has to be someone who will hire a really, really nice person who just happens to have trouble walking and standing.  Someone who would love to hire me and let me sit once in a while. 

I have lost so much, I simply cannot lose my trust in a kind and loving Universe.  I cannot bear to lose my ability to trust that good eventually comes to good people, or at least people who are doing their best to be good.  I am not giving up on hope, either.  Trusting in hope.  Trusting in myself to solve whatever needs solving, fix the broken stuff and find that still undiscovered life that is waiting for me.  The possibilities are limitless.  I can hardly wait!