feelings

Today a quote popped into my head.  Uninvited, which is important because it was my intention to do nothing for a couple of days.  Sure, cleaning up a bit around here would be nice, but doing nothing is nicer. 

I am exhausted.  Adrenally exhausted.  I recently learned that there are more than the two stimuli of adrenal function.  It came during the self-defense demonstration of three weeks ago.  They are fight, flight and...new to me in concept, but not practice...freeze.  I am well experienced, well practiced in the art of freezing.  At first I was upset that freeze was my response to what happened to me, that flight and, to a much lesser degree, fight never occurred to me. 

I am sitting here, stronger than I have perhaps ever been in my entire life, less stressed and learning to craft this new life, and I am gobsmacked that whilst I often longed to escape, to find some way to run away, fight never, ever, ever occurred to me. 

It never occurred to me.  I never once thought about fighting back, with words or actions.  The most I ever did was beg for forgiveness for whatever I had done wrong, and in later years would ask what I could do to stop being in trouble all the time. 

How could I have lived all this time and come to this advanced age without ever fighting back?  Even now I do not ask for anything.  I am certain that this divorce mess has continued for so long because I am so passive.  Whatever happens just happens.  I stress about it, but I do not ask questions or ask for progress.  The one time my therapist told me to call my attorney and ask about where we were with the financial stuff, I promised that I would.  When I got home I did not call.  Too much.  So, I decided to send an e-mail.  It took me so long to compose how I wanted to say that, that I received an e-mail from her office, informing me of what they had next done.

It is just asking, and asking for information at that, but it feels like confrontation to me.  It feels like creating problems and hurt feelings and inconvenience for the askee.  It feels like being confrontational.  It feels aggressive.  I cannot be that, I can barely form a coherent phrase or sentence to make the most simple and insignificant request.  I am working on this, doing the best I can to stop being silent when it is not in my best interest to be so. 

I decided two days ago that it is all right to dream.  You know, have dreams about what I want in my life, what I would like to do, or go or think.  And, if I am going to have dreams, then I should have some that are outrageous, desire for something that I will never have.  At first that seemed stupid, that I should be more realistic about wanting something, some aspect of my life that could be helpful or meaningful. 

I kind of know what those things are.  I want this divorce to be over.  Final decrees and court orders mean absolutely nothing.  No one wants to enforce them.  Oh, sure, they will put forth some effort, but only if you have the ability to bury the problem, support the effort with tons of money. 

As for the divorce stuff, I have said this so many times.  In order to gain compliance for the decree and court orders, all of which have been ignored since the beginning, I need to have several tens of thousands of dollars to go back to court and seek new judgements, which will probably be ignored as well, resulting in the infusion of more and more money. 

If my ex had manned up and divided our resources from the beginning, well, I would have the money to go after and try to get my share...but...but...but if he had done that, I would not have to go after him.

It is all so frustrating.  Maddening.  I should be able to let this go, get on with my life, but not being able to find a job, I cannot manage to stop worrying about having enough money.  If I were to get really sick I would be totally screwed.  Any major illness or disease would chew through the money I have in just a few months. 

I am trying so hard to stop my fears about this, doing what I can to stay healthy and decently fed.  I am walking as much as possible, taking all of my meds, sleeping well, staying intellectually stimulated, trying to find the humor in everything.  Ev. Re. Thing.  I am.

So, I am having dreams, one actually, that I might feel brave enough to express someday, and I am working as much as possible at my volunteer gigs.  You just never know when there might spring up a connection to a job.  It happens.  And, I am not caving to my fears, I am staying hopeful, determined to have the best life possible.

Then, today, this crazy quote.  I remember the quote, but had to research a bit to find the author.  It is Teresa of Ávila, and whilst she is remembered for many things, this is apparently the one that stuck to me.

"There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers."

That cannot possibly be right.  Can it?  All I have are prayers, or hopes or dreams or whatever they can be called.  They are all I have right now. 

This cannot be right.  Yeah, I know about the adage to be careful what you wish for.  I get that, the whole concept of how what we want might not be what is best for us.  There is a context of prayer that we do not pray/ask/petition for something specific, but that our request and desire be for what is best, for the person (even ourselves), the circumstances or the outcome.  That is because, even in our intimacy with our lives and the lives of those about whom we care, we truly do not always know what is best. 

All I can do is to hope that what I want is good for me.  Perhaps outrageous dreams are not in my best interest, but, frankly, that is all I have.  I should not have to give that up too.