Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Saturday, April 13, 2013


Alrighty, I am still trying to process this.  I just heard that I need to move forward with this new thing my attorney is doing because of another client she has.

This woman was in a long-term marriage, just like me, but did not have the component of abuse.  The details were not shared, only that she was not in danger like that.

So, anyway, the final court hearing for this couple, the decree dissolving their marriage was two weeks ago. 

All of the financial resources, the house, the investments, everything, has been resolved.

I do not know how I am supposed to feel about this.  She shared this information as though it was supposed to give me hope or something.  Maybe she shared it for her own self-comfort reasons.  I really do not know what I am supposed to take away from knowing this.

I share her frustration.  I share her embarrassment (only guessing that this at least slightly embarrasses her, although that aspect creeps into our conversations occasionally) and certainly her frustration that we are still dealing with all of this months after she believed that she would be rid of me and my mess.

It helps only slightly that she recently admitted that I was right, that things would not work out, that my ex would continue to believe that he is the authority, the expert on all things correct and that he would continue to do whatever he could to hurt and maybe destroy me, or just wear me out so that I would curl up and disappear.  My therapist told me this week that she was wrong, that she believed that given the fairly public nature of divorce, that this would have been over long before now, one way or another.

Everyone told me, reassured me, that things would work out.  I knew better, mostly because I know him.  And, more importantly, and shamefully, I know me.  I know what I am capable of doing, what I am willing to do.  I should be feeling some comfort from how I have comported myself during this thing.  I never compromised my ethics or beliefs.  I never made the abuse a part of the context of this.  I never demanded anything, always deferred to what he wanted, in an effort to make this happen as easily and quickly as possible.  I never said "no" to anything he wanted.

Well, that last one, the agreeing to whatever he wanted is nothing about which to be proud.  Always being compliant is how I came to be where and how I am.  I accept that.

I am also of the firm, like solid, belief that the only reason I am divorced, and that it happened so quickly, is that he never believed, during the entire process, that I would go through with it.  My therapist theorizes that he was sure that it was only a matter of time before I stopped the whole thing, that even during that final negotiating session just before we went into the courtroom, that I would give up and come home. 

When we arrived that day, it was supposed to be a quick hour or less and it would be over.  Instead, we spent more than four hours in separate rooms whilst his attorney came and went with demands for money, more bogus bills, fussing about the cars and on and on with such stupid and insignificant issues that both attorneys were stressed.  But, I agreed to everything he wanted.  I never hesitated at each new demand. 

We both, he and I, wanted it to be over.  Just different final destinations, is all.  So, I am not complaining, but I am so worn out today.  I feel depleted.  I am exhausted right down to my bones.  I think I may sleep, or at least doze on the couch, book and diet cola and maybe chocolate and some of those lovely macadamia nuts that seduced me at the market on Thursday. 

As soon as it get comfortable CoolCat will come for stroking and purring and a nap for himself.  The day will pass with good food, some DVD watching and his sweet and loving and warm presence. 

Maybe I will have my own two-week-resolution.  That would be so nice.  I believe in synchronicity, so maybe the story about the other couple will bring such a decent resolution into my own life. 

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