It has been an interesting few weeks. All the same old stuff. Regular crap, the usual, that has, unfortunately, brought back panic attacks. It is so frustrating to be having them again. I worked so hard at reducing the darn things. And, you know, it is the same old things. Efforts from someone who is not me to control or complicate my life.
The worst part is that I am still reacting to this stuff. All this work, a whole damn year of it and despite the occasional backward movement, I am really doing well. It is not as though I give a rat's ass about him, but he refuses to just do what needs to be done, comply with the court orders...and, really, how freaking difficult is that?...it is not!...and move on with his life. Given the way he behaved, surely he must be much happier without me around. Or, maybe it is simply more fun or entertaining or something to keep being difficult. It has come to the point where he is refusing to take the advice of his attorney, just to make me unable to file tax reports for last year.
I submitted my information to him, via my attorney, nearly two months ago, giving both of us time to properly file. As of last Monday, nothing was coming from him, so I freaked, had a total melt-down when my attorney's advice was to just do what he wanted. Again. To shorten a very long and stupid story, we have an appointment this week to get the taxes done. Well, we have two appointments, because the mere thought of being in the same building with him nearly paralyzed me. So, we are seeing this guy at different times of the day. He is my ex's choice, is insanely expensive (although I will be paying him directly and will not end up paying the entire bill, like last year) and I am, now that I have had a week to calm down, very glad.
I had to go and cancel my appointment with the tax guy I found. I did that in person, not wanting to do it over the phone, although that would have been way less embarrassing.
Anyway, in a few days it will be all over.
One thing that has become clear over the past weeks is that I am stuck being frightened. And, not just frightened, but too scared to move on to that great like that I know is waiting for me. This fear is a more significant control issue for me than anything he has done with our resources. He does something to me and I hide. He refuses to comply with the court orders and I, well, I do not do anything.
It is not as though I am trying to be weak. It is only that I am still afraid of saying anything or standing up for myself, because if I did that, back then, you know, just asked for something to stop or to not be hurt, things would get worse. I might happen immediately, but it would often happen a bit later. He would walk off, let his anger build and then return. All bad stuff.
My problem is that keeping silent, not protesting or protecting myself, hanging on until it was over worked best then, but it is not serving me now. I am no longer in imminent danger, under nearly daily assault. My mind knows that. My body is slow in getting the message. Two therapy sessions did nothing to help, save for the opportunity to whine.
In the spirit of forward movement I attended a self-defense demonstration. I tried to participate, but I just could not touch the instructor or allow him to touch me, which totally defeats the purpose of coming there to practice some techniques. Or, something. I thought I could do it. I was able to take away some excellent tips on personal safety, and even though I could not actually do it, I now have some really good moves for punching. Other people, bad ones, like really bad ones. Lordy. I occurs to me that even if I had known about this self-protection stuff, that I still would not have used it to protect myself back then. But, the truth is that I would never have considered learning about it, much less use it, not even if I had thought of it and pretended that learning it was for all the nights I had to close the store and leave work, going out to an empty and dark parking lot. Nope, never would have used it.
I walked again. Twice I have left my house and walked a couple of blocks. It was all I could manage, but I did it! I also walked across the street to meet the dogs that live there. I introduced myself to the people who live there and asked to meet with the dogs. It was very nice. So, I think that counts as three times, two walks and a saunter.
That self-defense thing, though. I need to do more about that. There could really be something for me in learning this stuff.
One of the women's shelters is using a few of my poems for their residents, in the group format, I think. They asked for them, did not say how they would be used and I did not ask. This week I am beginning to provide employment services there, as well. My weeks are busy, therapy, two support groups and two volunteer gigs. Laundromat. Grocery shopping. Mostly I take naps. Just the usual.
I can make it through this week. The risk of running into him at or around the appointment times.
One more thing.
Happy Birthday, LittleDude!