Well, that is out of the way for the time being, although it is going to be interesting when I see him at the center next week.
I do have two thoughts about what happened today. The first is that even when hurt and knowing that responding no longer has the potential to have the crappy and inconvenient self-protective feelings beaten right out of me, I still did not respond. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but the fact and truth is that I do not respond.
I will not do or say anything that has even the most remote potential to turn into an angry word or argument or dispute or hurt feelings for someone else.
The other thought is it might not be in my interest to be so passive, but I see no possibility of changing how I respond. I used to run away from conflict, and that made sense. Now, no longer needing to use silence and compliance to protect myself, it still makes sense to me. It is interesting that this next thing occurs to me, given the work I am doing on my spiritual life...more about that later...is how difficult it can be to turn the other cheek, and how satisfying it can be to walk away from .
Not participating in conflict is good for me. I never have to regret saying something in the heat of the moment. I never have to worry about escalating something into the Stratosphere of Stupid Stuff Entirely Off The Original Problem.
There are negative aspects to this. Too bad. They are only temporary. If I am not accepted for who I am, then too bad.
I am never going to figure out the subtleties of normal human interaction. I am too old and there is not enough time. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in this struggle, that there are legions of us, those who are out here, doing our best and not quite making it in the whole being able to accommodate everyone. And, whilst this truly does limit what I can do or where I can go in the large image of my life, at least I am clear on how I can move through what is left. Besides, I participated in today's field trip, and that is a huge forward step for me. It makes it possible to take the next risk. That I experienced some stress and am fine (after a damn fine nap) is nice. That I have this place to come and spew out everything, without filtering anything is another way that I am healing from everything that happened.
And, you know, there are still going to be plenty of new and equally distressing situations, circumstance and experiences to be had in my new life. I can get behind that.
The trip out of town was to spend time at a place that offers therapeutic experiences with horses. Until I got old and obese I used to ride. It has been a bit more than 25 years since I had the opportunity to ride, although much less time actually obese. It was so nice. After the program and facility stuff was shared, one of the therapists asked what we wanted to happen there. All I wanted was to touch them and have one of them breathe on me. I was also hoping to be able to share a few hugs, but was too shy to say that.
We did a few introductory exercises and it was like, gosh, like I get to spend every weekend with horses. I was so excited to go there, have been for the month since it was suggested in group by the therapist at the center, and when I was in the ring, with horses milling about, sidling up to me, licking my hand and breathing on me, I felt such calm. It was amazing. I was partnered with the woman who always wants to be my partner in anything. She was afraid, but came along on the trip and was game for pretty much anything.
I haltered our horse and after settling in with him, handed the lead over to the other woman. She was hesitant at first, but horses have a way of bringing peace and confidence to everyone, even those who are inexperienced and frightened. It really was an amazing day. As we were leaving the stables to have our tailgate lunch, one of the trainers stopped me and told me that he could see the moments that my experiences with horses started coming back to me. In a day of pleasant things, that might be right up there near the top of the list.
So, spirituality stuff. I am still working there. I am planning on choosing one of the neighborhood churches to attend on Sunday. I wonder if any of the on-line information about them mentions less body movement and more meditation. If not, someone should start a web site with those and other qualities of churchy expression and possibilities and potential. That would help us searchers so much. They do it for restaurants, health clubs, parks, theaters and the like, so why not churches. It just makes sense.
One more thing before I go and read more of Twelve...so good. It is now midnight-thirty, and an hour ago I receive a text message that said, "Enough of the barking dog already!!" It was followed a few minutes later by a caller, who left a message about how it was 11:30 and something just had to be done about the barking dogs. Really, she said, it just has to stop and that the intended recipient of the call had to bring her dogs indoors.
It is probably no surprise that I did not call her back (I never answer calls from numbers that I do not recognize; if it is not identified by my contact list, there is not any way that I am picking up.). But, I figured from the text message that the woman had
The whole day informs me that everyone has their own issues and struggles, particularly where relationships are concerned. That comforts me, too. Life is tough sometimes, and if I can keep pulling up my BGPs, then everything will be fine.
After my nap I went noodling around on-line and found this saying. I like it for lots of reasons.
Before you speak...think.
T - is it true
H - is it helpful
I - is it inspiring
N - is it necessary
K - is it kind