Identify what is most important )0( Eliminate everything else
The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world. Dr. Paul Farmer
The suffering of others is not alleviated when no one knows about it.
There is no one right way to live. Daniel Quinn Ishmael
The only thing that you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right sort of people.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, August 2, 2013

i suck

If difficult things come in threes, and I am not all that certain that they do, as problems seem to attract more problems and it certainly does seem like more than three in any given short time, then please let the third one come on, oh, like I just freaking dare you, c'mon, get it over already.

Today was a sort of field trip for the support group.  It was nice.  Everyone got to be their weird and crazy-acting selves and I had a wonderful time.  On the way home, our driver, a staff person from the center, made a wrong turn and sent us west instead of east.  I told him that we had not come that way and he told me that I was mistaken because everything looks different when you are coming from the other direction.  Fine.  A half-hour later he finally realized that I was right and turned our little caravan around into the right direction.

All was fine until we were close to town and he started rewriting the history of that wrong turn. Like, seriously, who gives a damn.  It was a nice day and no harm done.  I do not know, maybe he was worried about it resulting in some issue back at the center. 

He started making up how we found ourselves heading further out of town, and no one else in the vehicle said a word.  They just looked at me, waiting for me to say something.  I did not.  He became more strident about it and one of the other women said that I had been right and that it did not make any difference anyway, and then sort of drifted off as he began saying things to her.

If he had simply let it go, or made a joke about it, everyone would have forgotten about it before we arrived back at the center.  But, he kept it up and I still said nothing.  It was pointless to defend myself or say anything when we got back, and, frankly, it is not my style to do anything close to that.  Stuff happens and you just move on.

Now, that was probably a good thing, just letting it go, but it is the same old response that I have always had when someone gets after me.  I never stand up for myself.  And, I was unable to do that today, even when other people in the car were responding to him.

The sucky part is that it appears that my preference it to always default to this.  Today was an exceptionally minor thing, and still I could not say anything.  I froze.  Just like I did in that other life.

So, anyway, Sunday's exam failure and today's personal failure to stop someone from being weird and rude to me are the first two.

I will get over this in a little while.  If I can find some chocolate around here it will come sooner, but if we are without the lovely cocoa end product, popcorn for dinner will have to do.

Another default, finding solace and licking my wounds with food.  Sucky.

Third Thing, I am ready any time convenient for you.  In the meantime, I will wallow in whining and complaints and thinking of myself as a victim once again.  It cannot always be something icky done by the other person, especially since it is not always the same other person.  I am the common denominator in icky situations.  Another default. 


  1. *pokes* J in the eye! Stop it! Now! Shit happens luv and it's not your fault! So nah! :D ♥ Bloody typically bloke, think they know where they're going, can't ask for directions, they've never heard of a feckin' map!! And I bet he went left!! Didn't he? They always go left! Must have one testical bigger that side, upsets their balance! :D

  2. Nope, he turned right. I had a nap and am better. This healing and recovery from everything is so much work.