dilemma

I am having one and I do not like it.  Life should be easier than this, less complicated, but it is not.  Still, I want it to be.  Something happened outside of my auspices, although I have been drawn into the situation and find myself stuck.

I thought writing about this would help; it usually does.  Helps me to spew everything out and examine what the bits and pieces are, shuffle stuff around and fit the important parts back into what can work for me.  I have a strong moral code.  I do not beat myself or anyone else over the head with it, but it is there and even if I could change it to make my life easier, I would not.  It is a codex actually, gathered and sewn into a book that I hold at my center.  Informing myself about who I believe myself to be.

I like thinking of my life encapsulated in those pages.  They are kind of worn, kind of soiled, kind of the verification that I kind of have done a fairly decent job of crafting this now-new life and surviving that other one.  I like the feeling of that manuscript that I hold in my heart, adding new pages with each new experience, all the insights I have found and my work, something I would never how known even existed had I not had that other life. 

It is a massive understatement that surviving long term unhappiness and abuse changes one's life.  And, all of that makes what I do have to count for something, it has to hold meaning and support and understanding for myself and the people with whom I work.  Even my friends, making my relationships with them kind of weird now, although I am working through that.  I cherish my ethics and the code that supports them.  I would not change my life for anything.  And, I keep saying and writing this, but I would not change anything that has happened to me, not a single thing, not even the worst things.

And, here I am, stuck between the horns of choice.  That something that happened does not need my influence, because I not only was I not involved in the original incident and I am not the know-all, understand-all and help-all for this.  Still, I am stuck.  What I have done is to make my resources available and am just hoping for the best.

The important part here, amongst lots of important aspects, is that this situation is helping me to learn and internalize boundaries.  I often suck at that.  This situation is what I need.  I just hope I am up to the challenge.