Day 21 - trying to eat more food

BREAKFAST
steak, quick and more like brunch-time, although my first meal of the day
3 ladles of chili
I wanted to eat salad, but I was full, and I am trying to respect what hunger really is, instead of just stuffing stuff down my throat because it tastes good. 
I also cooked a second, larger steak and cut it in half for two more meals or snacks.

I no longer want that mindless and careless eating.

LUNCH
a bowl of chili, kind of medium sized

I have not made chili for a long time because I have been avoiding beans.  I just had to have some today, and making some means that I did not have any chance to not get around to cooking the ground beef and end up wasting it.

I brought cherries and my nut mix to work, but never got to eat any of it.  I did, however, get to lick the little lid of the frosting candy I bought for the kids from the Hispanic market.  Good thing it had eighteen little packets, as all the women wanted candy, too.  It was very sweet, pun totally intended, because they were just darling.

DINNER
10 or so ounces of pickled vegetables and a diet ginger ale.

When I finally got home a few minutes ago, I was sort of hungry, but nothing looked appetizing except for frozen Brussels sprouts, but it is too late to start cooking anything.

So, I am off to bed.

Oh, and that nice scrape on my side goes down to my leg, something I did not notice yesterday or Friday.  I have lots of bruises on my arms, but many fewer than I expected.  They are all on the really small size, and I have no idea what I could have landed on to have that happen.  Even my knees feel less tender and I have not had all that much trouble walking up and down stairs, which I have to do whilst working in a three-story old building.

The bruise I expected to have on my upper chest, based on how much it hurt yesterday morning, did not manifest at all.

I have to say that I am feeling good.  I feel strong and capable and can hardly wait to share the story in therapy tomorrow morning.

I called my daughter on Saturday, late afternoon, and told her about all of my adventures last week.  The art show project, being asked to be in that brochure, fixing the broken brake light (without any help or a manual or anything) and then breaking into my house.

We chatted for a while and I then said that I had called for another reason, and she shrieked, oh god, what else did you do?  But all I wanted was to drive up next Friday and offer to send them off for the night.  We are going to do that, but before we signed off, she berated me for allowing the boys to watch a particular program.  I said fine, but she would not let it go.

In the past, even the recent past, I would have left it at my apology, but not this time.  She was snarky and about something that she and my son-in-law allow them to watch.  I did not belabor the point, but at least I made it.  If I do not begin to stand up to the stuff she says, I will lose my connection to keeping our relationship healthy, and just go off to lick my wounds because I am uncomfortable saying anything.

The truth is that any kind of similar conversation is beyond my comfort areas.  I never talk back or argue, I never confront anyone much less offer a challenge.  I despise drama, it frightens me.  I will swallow any rude treatment, whilst backing up, both physically and metaphorically. 

It is the pattern of my life, that other life, and habits are difficult to change.  I would like to be more assertive, more self supporting.  I would love that.  I hope that I am making progress in that direction, it is just so slow going. 

This is interesting, because I had no intention of writing about my daughter and the program issue.  At work tonight, shortly before my shift ended, I had a conversation with one of our women about not allowing other women to speak rudely to her, to not allow them to tell her what to do, especially as concerns her children, who are very nice boys.

And, here I am, struggling with the exact same issues, nearly at the same level of dysfunction.  No one is perfect.  If they were, they would drive us crazy-ier.  No one knows everything.  We are all doing the best we can. 

I saw a quote a few days ago.  Stop doing what doesn't work.  Why is that so hard.